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How close are you to DP/DH

(7 Posts)
Tg3LAS Thu 05-Jan-17 07:57:31

What is a normal amount of affection in a relationship? Our kids are terrors at night and don't settle well. Children were co sleeping since birth so for around four years he has chosen to sleep on the sofa so he can get a good night's sleep for work the next day. We regularly have sex (sorry if tmi) and we cuddle alot. We don't usually argue very often except lately he's been saying he feels that we are less close than we used to be. I have anxiety and he knows all about this and says he supports me but he doesn't have a great deal of emotional intelligence not being harsh just honest. He doesn't get anxious about anything so can't understand why I'm anxious about dc2 starting in her own bed. I feel so sad about it. I've explained and he says he understands but seriously he doesn't at all. I feel like he's just being selfish. I run at 100 miles an hour with the anxiety and multi tasking with the kids and working long shifts in the hospital. Then he says I used to dress up for him and want sex all the time.?! I feel like we are close enough I'm confused why he suddenly thinks we're not if anything we are closer. It's annoying because in the early few years it was me feeling we weren't close because he used to go out all the time and was never affectionate or close at all. It's almost like he's bored at wanting to start drama over nothing. Am I out if order here?

MiMiMaguire Thu 05-Jan-17 08:04:28

No you're not, he is. Sounds like you're working miracles with your hands full. The fact you have sex regularly with two small co-sleeping children and you both work is an achievement in itself. He's just feeling neglected and looking for more of you than you can give, tell him to grow up, you are already spreading yourself too thin with all you manage. Don't let him make you think you're out of order here either.

TheNaze73 Thu 05-Jan-17 08:09:07

Neither of you are being out of order here, it seems to me like a communication breakdown of epic proportion.
He sees you as a Mum & no longer a wife & the woman he fell in love with, so has backed off. You resent him backing off, so are pushing further away.
Try to get a sitter & have a night out as woman & man. Talk through your issues warts & all & just get the intimacy (not sexual but general) lines open again

Tg3LAS Thu 05-Jan-17 19:04:39

Thankyou both. I know I'm not going mad now. I agree that we need to spend more time together. I find it so hard I'm just exhausted doing it all and then by the time he gets home I'm knackered. I will try my best to spend more time together but he also needs to understand that I can only try and it's not fair to put too much pressure on me. There's only so much I can do

junebirthdaygirl Fri 06-Jan-17 02:02:24

I think sleeping in the same bed is important. Just curling up together after the day keeps closeness. Even if ye only chat for a few minutes before sleeping it keeps you feeling like lovers, not parents. Those years ye have gone through with small children is relentless but l would be moving towards getting back to the same bed as soon as possible. Remember your relationship with your dh is the backbone of the whole family. It's vital for your children's security as they grow. So although you are anxious about your little one it's actually good for him that he has parents who are good together. That contributes to his well being just as much as him cosleeping with you if that makes sense. I wouldn't like if l had to sleep on a couch for years. I would feel shut out. I know with small children you do anything you can just to survive and get sleep but l think it would be good now to get back to that place of cuddling up together at night.
If you see it as good for the children it may help you feel less anxious.

Madinche1sea Fri 06-Jan-17 08:51:04

Hi OP. If I'm absolutely honest, I think 4 years sleeping on the sofa would finish most people off! I hope you don't mind me saying this, but 4 years of co-sleeping sounds more about your anxiety rather than any benefit to the children. How many children do you have and how old?
That said, I really don't mean to minimise the impact of your anxiety. Change can seem overwhelming too when you're exhausted, which you must be working long shifts. But I do think that for the health if your whole family, you need to get the children into their own beds. They will probably sleep better then. In the kindest way, your anxiety and need to be available on demand at night may be preventing this at the moment.
Try and see things from your DH's point of view and imagine how you would feel if you had spent 4 years on the sofa while the rest of the family snuggled up in the bed upstairs. He may feel like an outsider in his own family and unappreciated. When he says you used to dress up for him etc, it's probably just his clumsy way of saying you used to prioritise him and he wants a bit of that back.
You ask what's "normal" - obviously I can only speak from my own experience and I'm not sure there is a normal tbh. We had 4 DC with roughly 2 year gaps between them. They slept in our room in the Moses basket for the first 6-7 months because I was breastfeeding on demand and it was easier, but then I got them into their own rooms as soon as possible. DH never left the bed and I wouldn't have wanted him to!
I think your husband can try and support you with your anxiety, but it's probably unrealistic to expect him to fully "feel" it. Do you have any other support?

Tg3LAS Sat 07-Jan-17 22:50:57

I'm glad I asked for advice because it's helpful seeing this from other perspectives. Anxiety without meaning to be can become quite selfish and you're probably right that alot of the co sleeping business is anxiety related. I don't sleep well when the youngest isn't with me because I miss her terribly and I worry that something awful will happen to her and I won't be within arm's reach. Anxiety makes me worry about things alot of people don't really think of on a day to day. It must feel isolating for him you're right. He always seemed to prefer the couch in favour of a full night's sleep and he drinks alot which I don't so he often drinks and falls asleep on the couch anyway. Even since I've put little one in her own bed this week he's still in the lounge. I get the whole thing about prioritising his needs and the relationship being the backbone of the family is a great way of looking at it. I need to realise that I have to nurture our relationship as I have our children. It's hard finding the energy sometimes and we both get days like that but it starts with sleeping in the same bed together doesn't it?

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