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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What to do next

14 replies

Lianne77 · 21/02/2007 13:51

Me and P have decided to split after 9 years. We have 2 DD ages 4 and 3. We just dont seem to get on anymore and 3 weeks ago I asked him if he loved me and he said no. We went on for 3 weeks living together and I eventually asked him to moved out which he has. He calls in to put DDs to bed but as for me its like he cant bear to be in the same room. We have always had a very up and down relationship and I would say 4 out of the 9 years have been reasonably miserable. One minute I feel really positive about going it alone, he has been great in respect of the house and maintenance etc and just wants us both to be happy, and the next I feel so low that I cant see a future for myself. I just want to know if there is anyone else out there who has or is going through this and what the next step should be. He started working away from home a few months ago and only coming home on weekends, things have gone downhill since then but I think it was just the icing on the cake. I am a positive person and have lots of family around me but just not sure if we are doing the right thing, but you cant make someone love you. Please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel after this length of time. I hope this is making sense to someone out there cos its doesnt to me at the moment.

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maycontainstress · 21/02/2007 13:57

Hi Lianne

I went through similar after my exdh started working away Mon-Fri.

It seemed unbearable, but natural that we should split up, in my case, he was already in another relationship.

However, I too went through immense peaks and troughs, just dreadful times and then quite positive.

My only advice is to spend as much time as you can filling up your time so that you don't think 'I wish X was here'. You can have an extremely happy life with just you and the DC.

If you are lonely and unhappy in your relationship with DP, then just think about your future like this with bells on.

Best of luck and keep posting, this place is invaluable in terms of support X

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Lianne77 · 21/02/2007 14:07

I have known this was coming for a long time, he asked me to marry him last Christmas but I knew I only said yes because it was Christmas Day and didnt want to spoil it for everyone. I cant see a future with him as we argue to much and are both miserable together, we havent slept together for a long time and I did have a very brief affair in November, im not proud of it but was feeling very low and it was nice to have some attention and be made to feel wanted. It only lasted 3 weeks but made me feel that there could be someone else out there for me. My life is short and I want to live it but the thought of doing it alone scares me. I love company and I hate the thought of being lonely. I cry a lot at the moment and am in the process of filling in Inland Rev forms which makes it all seem so final.

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bluejelly · 21/02/2007 14:12

Don't beat yourself up. it sounds like you have made the right decision. You will feel up and down for a while but keep focussing on the positive, you are right that life is short, there is no point spending it with someone who makes you feel miserable.

Keeping busy is great, planning for the future ( a holiday for you and the kids?) is also a good move.

I also found when I split up with my ex that making a long list of all the things about him that pissed me off was helpful!

Good luck

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Serenity3 · 21/02/2007 14:13

Hi Leanne

Im sorry you are going through such a hard time but please be reassured that you are not alone. And yes, it makes perfect sense.

And yes, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes it takes a break from each other to realise that things were never quite as bad as they seemed.
I think that sometimes we get so bogged down in a sort of depressive fog, constantly thinking about whats going wrong in the relationship, blaming each other etc that we can't see the wood for the tree's.

So we separate.

After all the doom and gloom we find ourselves smiling again, having a laugh and just generally returning to the women we used to be. Then low and behold our partners notice this too! They get a glimpse of the woman they fell in love with.
This brings about a positive response in them too and before you know it we find the man we fell in love with too!

My advice would be not to close the door on your relationship completely. Use this time apart in a positive way. I certainly wouldn't be giving up hope completely after nine years abd two lovely children.
I would see it as a time for reinvention and i would be enjoying the challenge of having my husband fall back in love with me
Just because you are living apart does not mean that all is lost.
You may even find that you are happier living apart whilst still being committed to each other.

I hope everything works out for you just the way you would like it to.

Take good care X

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Lianne77 · 21/02/2007 14:24

Thank you so much for the advice, I dont know if I can ever see us getting back together but I would like to think that we could be friends, the hard thing is our parents are good friends too which has always made life a bit more difficult. Am kinda looking forward to having my independece although not looking forward to never getting a lie in again!! I know that I will be ok in the long run, it just doesnt feel real at the moment. My DDs will be fine as they will see him a lot, I have a holiday to cancel now though which is gonna be hard to do(he reckons we could still go as friends, but I have said no way!). We have never been soul mates and I belive there is someone out there for everyone,I just wish splitting wasnt so hard, it would be so much easier if he had done something bad!

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bluejelly · 21/02/2007 14:33

Can't you go on the holiday without him?
I agree it would be too difficult to go as friends...

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ginnedupmummy · 21/02/2007 14:33

Message withdrawn

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2007 14:37

Would suggest that formal (legally binding) arrangements are put in place re access to the children. Sounds bloody horrid but informal arrangements can fall apart especially in the longer term. They will see him a lot now you write but you have no way of knowing whether he will continue to see them.

Better off apart and happier than to be together and be miserable as a result. Being together for the sake of the children is rarely if ever a good idea.

I hope that both of you can remain on civil terms towards each other (ex's are ex's often for good reason).

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Lianne77 · 21/02/2007 14:38

Blue Jelly
I did think about it as we are going with another couple but with DDs being so young cant risk the swimming pool etc and trying to look after them on my own. Also have saved most of the money to pay for the hol so it may come in handy for something else. I feel guilty about DDs but at the end of the day they dont even know about the holiday and wouldnt want to put one of my friends through a Thompson family holiday for two weeks.

Ginnedupmummy - he has so many nasty little habits, first thing I hear in the morning is his smokers cough and bum noises!! I have also seen him pick nose and flick it on floor - I have standards even if he doesnt! I shall have to keep thinking about these!

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ginnedupmummy · 21/02/2007 14:45

Message withdrawn

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Lianne77 · 21/02/2007 14:52

Im glad im not the only one who has put up with such gross habits. I have looked at him at lot lately and have thought WHY!! Surely you arent brought up that way. I have never heard a man make so many noises, he even does it when we have friends over or in front of my parents.

Apart from that, deep down I know I am doing the right thing, I cant see us together 10 years from now, he doesnt appreciate me at all and never puts me first. He does work really hard but I need more than that and so do DDs. I hope I dont sound selfish but I want someone to think of me for a change.

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Lianne77 · 21/02/2007 15:21

I never thought it would be this hard. There seems to be so much to sort out such as money and maintenance etc. I dont even know how much to ask him for.

Im keep trying to tell myself im only 29 and have my whole ahead of me. I just dont understand why I feel so guilty about what has happened, i think its because he is being so nice about everything. I know he wants to come back but I also know its for the kids and the house and not for me!

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Bucketsofdynomite · 21/02/2007 16:00

Just because it might be the right decision doesn't mean it's not going to hurt .
When you've done some research it might be an idea to get a relative to babysit and the two of you go out for a meal and a long talk about how you want the future to be. Start as you mean to go on iyswim.

Re a holiday this year, how about a festival? Then you could go with friends and have help with the kids without fear of boring the friends. Check out the camping forum anyway .