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Should I tell his wife?

(174 Posts)
Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:05:34

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

Boundaries Wed 04-Jan-17 18:07:42

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Walk away. Delete any contact with either of them.

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:10:39

Really? That was my initial thought and it's what I would prefer but I've seen threads on here with ppl saying the wife deserves to know, they wish they'd been told etc. He's been doing this for a year at least.

Fireinthegrate Wed 04-Jan-17 18:10:47

No, I think you should leave well alone.
It's not your business how they conduct their marriage. If she doesn't know already then she wil find out somehow soon enough.

Adora10 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:11:26

He duped you, I'd tell her for sure, I wouldn't care about anonymity, you did nothing wrong, it's all him.

Wonkydonkey44 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:11:29

Walk away , not your battle xx

Boygirlmummy Wed 04-Jan-17 18:11:35

Agree with Boundaries

Forget and move on. Easier said than done.

Fallonjamie Wed 04-Jan-17 18:14:39

Leave it.

screweduppotatoe Wed 04-Jan-17 18:16:20

I'd want to know.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Wed 04-Jan-17 18:17:16

A huge percentage of men on the sites geared at looking for sex are married.

I really wouldn't get involved, and I wouldn't take a guy on any of those sites saying they are separated or single are face value either in future.

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:17:40

What if he gives her an STI though? Or one of the kids finds explicit messages? I know it's not my battle at all but I keep coming back to the fact that she has a right to know about something like this. I feel just as strongly that I don't want to do it though and that seems to be the opinion of the balance of posters so far.

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:18:42

Thanks Fish, I realise that and I was an idiot to be frank. Had a difficult year last year so in hindsight I was looking to blow off steam but was very naive about it.

waitressinacocktailbar Wed 04-Jan-17 18:20:31

I would tell her because I'd want to know if I was her. And I just can't leave things either

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Wed 04-Jan-17 18:21:07

You're not an idiot, you were trusting, which is totally different.

It sounds like you don't need the hassle of getting caught up in someone else's drama at the moment either.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Wed 04-Jan-17 18:23:04

You know that saying about not blaming the bearer of bad news, well my guess is that it became a saying for a very good reason...

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:23:21


It's not my business how they conduct their marriage but she doesn't know this is how their marriage is being conducted iyswim.

Adora10 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:25:21

Send a letter?

You feel she should know because she should.

You will hear for and against OP, you do what you feel is the right thing.

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:26:03


I'm sure I'd be blamed. And he'd hate me for it. And it's embarrassing, and she may choose to think I'm lying for my own odd reasons. All of that makes me not want to stick my head above the parapet but I don't think there'd be any 'real life' consequences for me, I don't live that nearby and don't know them at all socially.

Could I send a message and then block? That way I wouldn't get sucked in.

Adora10 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:27:28

Do you have any concrete evidence that you can send her or would it be your word against his?

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:30:01

My word against his, but I bet if she goes looking she'd find other stuff.

The thing that gets me is that this clearly isn't a one off for him. It's not even an affair that started 'organically'. This is him taking her for a complete fool, can I really stand by while a man does that to his wife? What about female solidarity? If it was me I'd want to know the truth about it.

It's all so tawdry sad.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Wed 04-Jan-17 18:30:48

For some people, ignorance is bliss OP.
I hear where you're coming from, but best to shelve any thoughts of contact. You will come across many married men, on that type of website, you can't shop them all. 😄

Newbrummie Wed 04-Jan-17 18:30:58

Tell her then step right back

Twelfthnighteve Wed 04-Jan-17 18:31:05

I do have a screenshot I could send her. It's fairly damning but not conclusive. He's obviously a skilled liar too, he took me in for quite a while.

Adora10 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:31:41

I think you have already decided she should know, you now need to think about how you do that, no evidence whatsoever? Without evidence she will probably not believe it.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 04-Jan-17 18:32:57

I'd leave well alone. None of us knows what goes on inside a marriage and this is none of your business. I know if I were the wife in this scenario I'd think you were a bitch for trying to insert yourself into my relationship.

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