DH repeatedly breaks my trust contacts for sexy chats/meetings

[humphreyjan]

Hope I can get some advice on here

I'm not a mum but am terribly in need of advice, been with my husband for at lot of years, and married since 200X In March 15 I realised he'd been setting himself up on Tinder and having local sexy chats to meet up when I was planning to have a night away with my sis in law. I told DH that the day had changed and hey ho the date of meeting changed I blew my stack and he deleted the app.
In August 15 on another weekend in Europe again he'd been randomly chatting with lovely thai birds, held off until we arrived home, then again blew my stack, again teerful promises to deal with it
In September 15 I realised on a night away with him, he was having, yes more sexy chats/showing his bits sat on a hotel bog with some random bird, and more emails to a local whore planning to meet up.
Finally just before Christmas 16 I found yet another chain of conversations with a "Hot ts professional masseause ­ t4m" on Craigslist planning yes you guessed it to meet up when I was going to be away for the night with my younger brother.

We have had a really shitty year with his elderly mum being in hospital for ops. I decided to tell him to leave and go and stay at his mums house, but after one night I realised that he was heading for a severe bout of depression over it and suggested that he came back. However
I insisted that

1. he told his mum and younger sister whats been going on (he did so)
   
2. that he seeks professional help (again he has commenced therapy starting in a couple of weeks )
   
3. that a well know brand of family shielding is installed on all of our tablets, phones, and laptops/PC's.
   

My brother and his wife know but my elderly parents have no idea of our troubles (and I dont want to tell them yet)

But I feel that I am now in limbo. He is living in the house, and is up beat, yet I feel so sad and low.

Trust is fully gone
Respect is gone
Maintains it's not to do with me, which maddens me the most.
Every time he does this, it affect me, cannot trust him, cannot be sure of his motivations to be in my life, am i just a gullible mug helping him out with his mother, shopping and helping generally. He maintains these chats are a fantasy and he would (never) act on them, yet when I checked and changed dates of my visits away, hey ho the fantasy dates changed too. To make it worse, I am well over my target weight, and feeling fat and frumpy as well, so seeing sexy Thai birds making plans for "massage" just makes me spit.

I have told him I would go to relate with him once his therapy finishes but I think I will brain him if he doesnt comprehend how bitter and sad I am feeling over his "fantasies". I dont have any female friends whom I can talk this over with, my brother has been amazing, yet I know he wants to kick DH in the arse over it.

[ChicRock]

I think it's you that needs professional help, and I mean that in a non-snarky way, to work out why your standards are so low to non-existent, that you'd accept and put up with his ongoing cheating on you.

[ivykaty44]

Sorry but he checked out of your relationship a while back, he's just hanging around until either someone makes him an offer or you end the relationship.

I would advise you to check out, move out & move on.

Why would you want to stay? You have so much to offer yourself and you're bettwr, worth more than this.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I agree to you getting some counselling for yourself.
Try to understand why you didn't leave ages ago.
Because the things you mention would have most women running for the hills.

By the way....
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[Branleuse]

well hes obviously an untrustworthy piece of shit, but why the fuck are you putting up with it. Have you no self respect?

[FrutiFlutey]

Definitely sounds like he isn't really planning to change, as soon as the dust settles it'll be right back to the same old way.

I think after so many incidents you know that he's unlikely to actually stop! So you really know what you should do which is probably why you're so down

[FatOldBag]

I agree it's you needing counselling. You need to address your low self esteem. It's not normal to be able to accept his obvious lies and repeated cheating (or at least blatant serious attempts to cheat). Find your strength and kick the bastard out, permanently.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

The measure you are putting in place now - making DH admit his behaviour to others, have proper counselling to address his actions etc., would be a good starting point if this were a one off occurrence and he had proved to you that he was truly remorseful and wanted to change things.

However, what you are describing above sounds very much like someone who won't change. Who keeps on using prostitutes (or casual fuck buddies, whoever they are) on a regular basis, despite being found out & doing the whole "I'm so sorry" thing in the past. My question would be that if none of the previous incidents of you discovering your husband cheating on you provided him with the 'wake up call' he needed to sort things out - why now? Why this time?

I am truly sorry you are going through this. I did have threads about it at the time, but I am almost a year on from discovering that my DH was "sexting" a work colleague. The fact that your DH clearly does not care at all about the pain & heartache he is causing you would, in itself, be enough to LTB for me I'm afraid. If he did care about causing you this pain, he wouldn't keep on repeating it.

[humphreyjan]

I cannot be sure, but I dont think any of these meetings bar the toilet incident actually happened, but my point which he fails to understand is that just by contacting these people and making plans that COULD happen, at times I wouldnt be around he is effectively giving himself a possiblity of a real life meet. So if I'd pissed him off, he could inact a meeting. If he'd done these for a time and date he would have been at work, or at home, then the "fantasy" bit might actually wash.

I do agree I need to speak to a professional about this and will make plans to do so. Thank you for all the comments

[hellsbellsmelons]

but my point which he fails to understand
This is the only sentence you need to focus on.
He understand alright, he just doesn't give a flying fuck about you or your feelings.
So what now?????

[Simonneilsbeard]

What hellbellsmelons said.
He doesn't give a shit. when he did it the first time and you 'blew your stack' but essentially forgave him he knew there were going to be no consequences and he continued his utter disregard of you.

I couldn't live like that.

[Adora10]

OP, in the kindest possible way your OH has been cheating on you the whole of your relationship by the sounds of it, and it is cheating; it's also disgusting that he can wip it out at any woman who happens to give him the time of day - how revolting can a person be, he does not want to change, he saying whatever he thinks you want to hear.

What you should do is tell him to stay well away from you whilst he is engaging in these sex chats because of course it AFFECTS you and he KNOWS this, he doesn't care OP, he's of life's risk takers who are by nature inherently selfish.

I really have no idea why you even want to continue in a relationship with someone who has shown a disgusting lack of respect for you.

So, yes, you go get counselling to find out why you think you have to settle for a man who is no more than a sleaze.

If you really want to give it another go, stay separated until HE can show you that he has changed.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm sorry to say this, but, the meetings you found out about didn't happen - because you found out, not because he didn't want them to.

I would prepare myself for the fact that there could have been more arranged meetings that actually did happen.

Also, you need to be prepared for the fact that what you initially uncover (so the messages, plans etc.) are often just part of the story.

What does DH say when you ask him if he's had sex with any of these women? More importantly, do you believe him? If so, can you trust him never to do this again?

[TheNaze73]

He ain't interested in you. Move on

[Ilovecaindingle]

Still reeling at the part where had to fess up to his mother!!

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

I think it's you that needs professional help, and I mean that in a non-snarky way, to work out why your standards are so low to non-existent, that you'd accept and put up with his ongoing cheating on you.
This times a million!! What are you doing ?! He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, there is no limitation to his understanding, he just does not give a flying fuck how you feel or, indeed, about his marriage to you!!

[mumofthemonsters808]

You're flogging a dead horse.

[mysinkingheart]

Another one saying listen to hellsbells...sorry but he's wasting your time lying and trashing your self-confidence, hardly a sign of a loving person.

It's not about whether this is just a fantasy! What a bloody cheek to think that's somehow ok then. Unless you had an agreement that sexting other people was ok (why anyone would I don't know but each to their own) then he's already way out of line.
Time to raise your bar .

[understandnothing]

Do you want another year of this? I would tell him to leave. You'll feel better in the long run.

[mysinkingheart]

Oh and the fact that he's seeming so upbeat so soon after you thought he was on the brink of depression just confirms to me he's a manipulative skunk, zero respect.
Sorry, I'm with your brother. Don't worry about telling your parents, you can do that when you're feeling stronger. Everyone will get it if you leave him.

[Adora10]

but after one night I realised that he was heading for a severe bout of depression over it

Big mistake, he's never faced any consequence apart from you going off on one, there zero incentive for him to stop; fact is OP, he enjoys it and clearly gets a kick out of it (yuck)....I think it's about time you put an end to this joke of a marriage and face reality.

[loobyloo1234]

Your DH has no respect for you or your relationship. Will he leave if you ask him to?

[Roodolf]

I've just separated from my H for effectively this reason. He has a problem/addiction - sure, but he, like your H, has had plenty of opportunities to do some serious work on it.
The lies and the repeated betrayal - not something I am prepared to put up with, nor do I want to do the parent-child checking up on him thing.
If this is your final straw - that's ok. You'll be ok - better in fact. Sorry you are going thru it too though.

[Jaysis]

He keeps telling you who he is.

Listen to him.

[Emmageddon]

Oh you have to get this man out of your life. Stop beating yourself up for not being target weight as well, the way you look has nothing to do with his cheating ways. Get some therapy for yourself to address your self-esteem, join Slimming World if your weight is affecting the way you feel, and kick him to the kerb. He's a manipulative loser. Start living life for yourself, make yourself happy, look back this time next year and be able to say 2017 was a GOOD year.