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Relationships

Action or playing it cool after dtd?

26 replies

Cooloraction · 04/01/2017 09:33

Sorry for the length of this post, but would really appreciate advice based on the whole situation.
I Know a guy in real life who started taking an interest in me, sending me unnecessary texts (texts were functional due to a certain hobby we are connected through) and after I was more chatty back he asked me for a drink. I was agreeable to this but we did not firm things up but he continued to ask. I am very attracted to him and eventually a child free night became available so I suggested we meet then. Texts escalated to several per day throughout the day.
As it was clear I was free the night before the originally planned date he asked me out for that and said if it goes well could then meet the next night too. I agreed to this as don't often have child free time.
First date went really well, lots of affection and got on well, snog at the end. Was talk of him coming in for a drink when he dropped me back off home but I called it a night at that point as was a bit worse for wear.
So next day we went out somewhere and had a nice time hand holding, he'd bought me flowers etc. At end of night he came in and we ended up having sex which was v good. Cuddles in the night, nice conversation and morning sex too. I had work so he had to leave but as was saying bye he said would sort out going out again soon.
Since then his texts have noticeably declined. Previously he had always been first to initiate chat but as his contact has reduced I have started off some comms but they are very short replies, no real chat or attempt to get to know me more.
The odd bit of contact has been quite positive -said he missed me, another time that he really wants to see me but when I said yes let's sort it out there is no further discussion of another date etc.
So I am wondering what to do. Common advice seems to be to let the guy do the chasing. But I do want him to know I would like a repeat. But don't want to make a fool of myself or scare him off and see him regularly due to the hobby.
So I have posted here for traffic, to text or leave it to him? He seemed to be really in to the idea of it developing into something before we dtd and I was the one saying let's see how it goes. We dtd within the last week.
Do you think this sounds like he was just trying to get one thing? I would be really happy to hear all your honest opinions of this situation as don't want to ruin things.

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JennyHolzersGhost · 04/01/2017 09:38

Yes, I do think he was after one thing I'm afraid.
It sounds to me as though he knows you're up for a repeat performance so I'd leave it TBH. You've said you want to fix another date and he hasn't suggested any particular days so I think you've got to back off now and see if he comes back.

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OFFFS · 04/01/2017 09:42

Strikes me that the ball is in your court. You have to sort out a child free night, or a babysitter and ask I he wants to go on a date. You'll get your answer then.

All this 'man doing the chasing' is bollocks. You're a grown woman, why on earth wouldn't you ask
If he wanted to meet up?

Sort a babysitter, suggest going out. It's that simple. Smile

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Hellofromtheotherside16 · 04/01/2017 09:50

So so many threads like this I'm afraid where the guy backs off straight after sex. Then lots of analyzing about what happened, should you text, should you wait for him, etc. I think it sounds like he's not that keen but you could keep the channels open by sending a friendly message so he knows you are up for meeting again. Then leave it.

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Cricrichan · 04/01/2017 09:57

I'd leave it. You've already said that you're up for another date. If he really wants to see you he'd be chomping at the bit.

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KinkyAfro · 04/01/2017 10:00

Leave it, you've suggested another date and he hasn't taken you up on it. Sadly it sounds like he just wanted a shag

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Hermonie2016 · 04/01/2017 10:09

Leave it because he doesn't sound interested.If he wanted a repeat performance you would know.It's not about men having to chase you but just recognising the differences in genders.Womwn often feel more bonded to someone after sex.

His agenda was either just sex or he has decided that he's no longer interested.
If he bounces back he cautious as he could be looking for casual relationship.

Try not to dwell on him, it's not you.

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Paulat2112 · 04/01/2017 10:17

He isn't that interested I'm afraid :( he either just wanted sex (which he got) or decided you weren't right from him. He hasn't taken you up on the offer of another date so isn't in to you it would seem. Be prepared to possibly get a message in a few weeks for a booty call though!

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19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 10:20

I agree. 95% chance, he "just isn't that in to you", sorry.

If I were in your shoes, I'd give it one more shot. Maybe text him and suggest arranging another date (with specific day / time).
If he says no or dilly dallies then step back.

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Joysmum · 04/01/2017 10:38

I don't believe in acting or playing it cool. If either of you can't be open about things without game playing then it's a non-starter. Have you had a conversation or just been texting.

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TheNaze73 · 04/01/2017 10:41

Joysmum is spot on about game players, he's interested but, getting you to chase I think.

Men know when someone is interested & that they really have to do little leg work when that's the case

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OFFFS · 04/01/2017 10:47

Or maybe, just maybe, he might not want to put pressure on you knowing you don't have a great deal of child-free time?

Perhaps he is one of the good guys.

Maybe he is thinking you don't have time in your life for a boyfriend? Or that you just wanted sex and haven't initiated another date?

Anyway, you won't know until you ask him. Stop asking strangers on the internet to speculate for you and ask him out!

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CakeLover0 · 04/01/2017 10:55

Snap!
Do not text! Let him chase you. Not in a game playing way. If it's easy it's meant to be!
I have done alot of reading around this which has helped and prepared me for next time. I feel better for not chasing. Previously I would have and felt poop. I sooo want to tell him what I think of him as he was lovely, flowers, hand holding, dinner dates. To nothing!
If a man wants you he will try his hardest to be with you!
Walk away and take your dignity with you !

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OliviaStabler · 04/01/2017 10:56

I'd arrange a child free night and ask him to meet up. If he says no and makes no offer of an alternative date, then I'd say unfortunately he was just after one thing.

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Casmama · 04/01/2017 11:01

I think it is a little too early to be getting worked up about this. You say you dtd in the last week so maybe you need to back off a bit and as pp have suggested let him know when you have a child free night.
He could just have been busy over new year etc so if you stop texting him and only reply when he texts you then you maintain your dignity and get a chance to see how he feels when life gets back to normal.

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JustSpeakSense · 04/01/2017 11:16

I agree with giving it one more shot, get back to him with a suggested date you are free, if he blows you off then you'll know for sure.

If this does happen then he was just after a shag and brace yourself for a booty call in the future.

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StiffenedPleat · 04/01/2017 11:37

Eww, no. He said he would sort out going out again soon? Soon = probably not.

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SleepFreeZone · 04/01/2017 12:26

I always think with these threads it's better to just pull the plaster off quickly and move on. The likelihood is that he was doing all the right things to get his end away. Now you're a box ticked then time for pastures new. But let's assume he's not a total twat and he is still interested.

My advice would be to ring or text to arrange another meet up. Not a breezy or chatty text, a text that requires a yes or no. So, 'hey, have a babysitter booked for X date, you free?' That kind of thing. Now his either going to ignore you totally and that will speak volumes, answer in a non committal, sketchy way that never really resolves itself, or he will answer yes or no and either suggest another day or try and rearrange to suit you.

It's actually pretty simple. All you have to do is watch their actions not their words. Some men like to have lots of women left in a kind is suspended animation. They don't want to finish things completely but they don't want you to think you are in a relationship either, so your in the deep freeze for a bit and then if they're at a loser end you can potentially be defrosted and played with. It's up to you to dictate if you want to be his puppet or want to dictate your own life.

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Adora10 · 04/01/2017 12:33

Please do not make contact with him, you have already suggested a date to which you have had no response = he was after a shag, sorry.

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Cooloraction · 04/01/2017 13:23

Thanks everyone for your replies. Your responses are pretty split but not contacting seems to be slightly ahead.
I had a hobby related group text earlier that I replied to plus a quick how are you. He replied briefly but am going to leave it at that. If he wants to up the game then I will be clearer what I want I think.
I was happy to see how things went and didn't think he was going to be the love of my life but didn't think this would be it. Am quite upset but need to keep my head held high and move on. Will try not to give it anymore headspace and chalk it up to experience. That I already knew him.and knew I liked him definitely lowered my boundaries.
Really hate all this shit!!!

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TrippyMcTrapFace · 04/01/2017 14:14

Flowers cool

Not much to add to above except I'm on the don't contact side. It's harder when you have to see them for work/social reasons.

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TrippyMcTrapFace · 04/01/2017 14:16

Posted too soon.

This tells me he's lost interest.
"I had a hobby related group text earlier that I replied to plus a quick how are you. He replied briefly "

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LesisMiserable · 04/01/2017 17:46

He's not interested and it maybe because you both rushed into sex together which might make it awkward in regards to your hobby. It's more than likely nothing personal about you and more about that. If he was smitten after sex (and yes men absolutely do fall hook line and sinker after sex sometimes ) he'd in no way be giving you cool or abstract responses.

Its absolutely crap but you just need to handle it with dignity re your hobby time together.

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Cooloraction · 04/01/2017 18:03

I hope that does not make me a crap shag lesis!!

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LesisMiserable · 04/01/2017 18:17

Like I said probably nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact youve both slept with someone you can't avoid in the space of two dates, regardlessof whether there was any future in it. Does make it a bit tricky.

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NoFanJoe · 04/01/2017 22:45

My male view is that there's no such thing as a crap shag. The crapiest shag on the planet beats a mountain of the best chocolate.

He's happy and content and sees no need to move closer to you or reassure you. So he's thinking entirely about himself and not about you. Do you really think he's worth your fretting, cos I think you should be seeing that as a big red flag. Walk away and keep walking.

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