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He won't have proper sex with me

(164 Posts)
Cantthinkofanynewnames Wed 04-Jan-17 09:13:45

Have namechanged for identifying reasons. Apologies in advance for TMI blush

I've been seeing a new guy for a month ish, and three times now it's got to the point of being naked in bed, foreplay, but then he wants to stop. At first I thought it was because we were both tired but the third time happened last night and to be honest I'm thinking of giving up and calling it off. It's making me feeling really shit and that's not what you want in a new relationship is it?

Am I being unfair? Someone explain this to me confused

WellErrr Wed 04-Jan-17 09:14:29

Only he can explain it.

My guess is erectile dysfunction.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Wed 04-Jan-17 09:17:17

You need to ask him. If you're comfortable enough to have sex with him then you should be comfortable enough to ask this.

It could be any number of things. Could be ED, it could just be that he doesn't feel ready for that yet.

Rudymentary Wed 04-Jan-17 09:18:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frieda909 Wed 04-Jan-17 09:19:15

What reason does he give for wanting to stop?

xStefx Wed 04-Jan-17 09:19:43

My friend was seeing a new guy and he did the same thing. Turned out he was worried about a premature ejaculation issue that he had been suffering with, unfortunately for my friend he could never get over it though :-(

otherwise maybe he isn't ready?

Cantthinkofanynewnames Wed 04-Jan-17 09:24:54

Thanks all.

If he was a virgin then he would have had to have lied about past relationships (possible I suppose)

I guess he could be not ready. Just odd to me as I've never experienced something like this before, especially as it keeps getting right to the point and then he stops it all

reallyanotherone Wed 04-Jan-17 09:24:57

Think of it the other way.

You've got as far as foreplay 3 times, but don't feel ready for sex, so you stop.

Option a) he respects that, and waits til you're ready, or want to discuss it.

Option b) he keeps asking why and wanting sex

Option c) he ends it, because "it's not what you want in a new relationship, is it"

What would you want him to do? Just because he's a man he shouldn't be expected to be up for sex because it's offered. Show him the same consideration you'd expect if you weren't ready.

shovetheholly Wed 04-Jan-17 09:44:13

It could be a physical issue (e.g. erectile dysfunction) or it could be an emotional one. It's a taboo thing but men get hurt too, and sometimes when this has happened - like women - they can start to fear the vulnerability that closeness brings.

In either case, much depends on whether you care enough about him in this nascent relationship to be patient and work through the issue. If he's brilliant in every other way, it's maybe worth it. If not, then perhaps it's time to end things.

NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball Wed 04-Jan-17 09:47:03

When I first got together with my now exh, he couldn't maintain an erection. He went to the doctor, had a blood test for testosterone levels... all good. Turns out that he's one of those very, very rare men who couldnt physically perform unless he was sure he was in a serious relationship! It was all good after a couple of weeks....and for the rest of the 13 years we were together.

Just an idea of what might be going on. Not all men are wired to always be "up" for sex.

loobyloo1234 Wed 04-Jan-17 09:48:15

How old is he OP?

Newname12 Wed 04-Jan-17 09:48:28

Why does there have to be a reason?

I don't sleep with people until i'm comfortable with them. Fooling around yes, maybe even sleeping overnight, until i completely trust them.

Definately more than 3 dates. If a man can't respect that it just proves my point that i was right to wait.

If it were a man posting this the replies would be very different.

MikeUniformMike Wed 04-Jan-17 09:48:29

Could contraception be an issue? If you want it to carry on with the relationship, you need to have a discussion about his reluctance. I suspect that it might be performance anxiety or he's not ready, or he's just not that keen on you.

FatOldBag Wed 04-Jan-17 09:49:10

Ask him. If you're at the point of being naked in bed together then you're definitely at the point where you should reasonably be able to talk about shagging (or not shagging).

HorseyHorseyTwat Wed 04-Jan-17 09:49:37

I was about to ask if he could be worried about getting you pregnant.

Lucked Wed 04-Jan-17 09:51:43

Perhaps he has only slept with people he has been I love with/had strong emotional attachment to. One month I is hardly anything, I probably wouldn't have had sex yet.

If you like him then you owe it to him to ask.

Hellofromtheotherside16 Wed 04-Jan-17 09:52:00

Are you actually sharing a bed all night together? If so I think it would be pretty obvious sex is on the cards and he might have a problem. If it's a fumble on the sofa, maybe he's not ready for whatever reason.

galaxygirl45 Wed 04-Jan-17 09:53:20

You need to be honest with him, and say this is making you feel very confused. If he can't talk about it, or won't - then you have to be sure that he is worth putting a lot of effort into a new relationship for. He could have long standing issues that will take a lot of time and care to help with, and maybe even medical help - don't even think of going down that road if you're not totally sure he's a keeper.

LeopardPrintSocks1 Wed 04-Jan-17 09:54:29

Have you actually asked him what's wrong?

Shemozzle Wed 04-Jan-17 09:57:03

I had this with an ex and it was because he suffered from premature ejaculation.

GeorgiePeachie Wed 04-Jan-17 09:58:02


Writerwannabe83 Wed 04-Jan-17 10:01:18

I experienced this once after a few months of it occurring he admitted to me that he didn't believe in sex before marriage as he was a Catholic. I was absolutely gob smacked as nothing about him had made me think he had any religious beliefs. He said he'd been too embarrassed to tell me when we first met in case it put me off.

It all made sense though when a few months down the line I met his parents and they were strict Irish Catholics with lots of scriptures and images of Jesus in their house. I still found it odd that sexually he was happy to do everything but penetrative sex but he said that because of his parent's beliefs he would feel like such a disappointment to them if he had sex with me before marriage.

He turned out to have a lot of issues around his religion and parental expectations and after 10 months of me trying to understand his behaviours and feelings we called it a day because it was just too complicated.

tiej Wed 04-Jan-17 10:09:03

Are you sure he's single?

reallyanotherone Wed 04-Jan-17 10:09:42



"I've met a new man and don't feel ready to sleep with him yet, we've done everything but sex, but I just don't feel ready for the final step, AIBU to wait a bit?"

No love, you must have an STD/Sexual dysfunction or be a virgin. Sleep with him already or he'll dump you!


Cantthinkofanynewnames Wed 04-Jan-17 10:11:37

To answer a few questions, he's 33, he'll sleep in bed with me all night (even being cuddly) and it's been more than 3 dates it's just the last three that this has happened

I have discussed being on the pill with him so god knows.

I do feel a bit mean and I don't mind waiting at all I think it's just then not knowing what the issue is

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