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New man struggling to get and keep an erection?

(19 Posts)
wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 07:41:18

Anyone had this issue? We've managed full sex 3 times in the past two weeks although many more attempts have been tried. 2 of them were the same night so I thought the problem was fixed,but not so it seems.

We have varying degrees of experience,his being less than mine so I know that intimidated him at first. And he says it's because he's so anxious to please that when he does get hard, he starts worrying about losing it and boom,he does.

He can get erections in the morning,twice I've seen real morning glory but other times it's not very hard,and it's been like that with me a few times. So I do think it's a psychological thing but feel we're trapped in a vicious circle now where we both know we're worried about him losing it.

Otherwise,everything is going amazingly well and I really want this to work. Do I just give it time and just not attempt it at all for the time being as most sites seem to suggest?

ProcrastinatingSquid2 Wed 04-Jan-17 07:48:04

My partner had this. He ordered some herbal tablets off amazon (not sure which ones). They worked and it took the pressure off. By the time he'd used them about 8 times, he was less nervous and didn't need them anymore.

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 08:08:47

Yeah I've read about a few similar problems and people Have suggested tablets like that,and he seems up for trying them.

Fidelia Wed 04-Jan-17 08:11:45

A couple of ideas if it's an ongoing, rather than initial anxiousness issue:

- Does he have a porn habit? That can affect the ability to get an erection because fantasy and reality can be quite different, and also because he may have programmed himself to respond to porn rather than anything else
- Does he have any guilt issues to do with sex? (religion, previous affair, etc) That can make a man feel like he shouldn't or doesn't deserve an orgasm...usually needs a bit of therapy to sort out
- Is he older? Could be a prostate issue & might be worth him getting checked out at the GP surgery

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 08:21:21

Hmmm dont think it's the porn one. It seemed him and his ex were having sex until the relationship ended a year ago. Although he said it was always him intiating it. So I don't think he's become reliant on it. We've spoken about porn and he doesn't seem openly fussed or obsessed.

He's 34. He was with his last partner for 9 years and she's the only person hes been with sexually. I've put to him maybe he's not ready for a relationship,maybe that's what it could be subliminally but he's adamant it's not.

ReallyBloodyBoredNow Wed 04-Jan-17 08:22:19

I should imagine alot of it is now in his mind, the problem is once it happens once it becomes a worry doesn't it and that just makes it worse. Take sex of the menu. Make an agreement that there will be no sex that it's just about making eachother feel good. Shower together, lots of kissing, etc etc. Just stick to the no sex rule. Play some games, get some love dice do something different each night, one night a massage, some dry humping (I'm a big fan lol) the next something different, take it back to basics, before you know it he'll be so gagging that loosing his erection will be the last thing his thinking of. Show him how good you can make eachother feel and it will just happen, I've tried this, it works, it's just about breaking the cycle and if 'no sex' rule is in place it takes the pressure off and just allows it to be about fun, not proving anything. Anyway we all like breaking rules so it also makes it a little more fun rather than two nervous people trying too hard. Sounds like you're very happy in all other areas, you just need to remove the pressure you are both now feeling.

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 08:24:25

Yeah I think that could be it. I suggested that we do that and he didn't seem overly keen,think hes worried it may make it worse. But not sure that's possible right now!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 04-Jan-17 08:27:24

Is he a healthy weight? Does he drink? Take exercise? Suffer from stress or excessive tiredness? Otherwise in good health?

Seems a bit early to start medicating the guy without looking at health factors.

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 08:33:29

He doesnt sleep that well,never has since he was in his early 20s. He's very tall and slim,but I wouldn't say massively skinny. I think he has self esteem problems from way back she and his previous relationship that haven't been addressed. He said no one has ever complimented him the way I do. Cos I'm always going on about what I like about him or touching him lol!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 04-Jan-17 08:44:52

Why doesn't he sleep? That could be a factor if he's permanently tired. Does he drink or smoke? Does he have energy otherwise? Does he take exercise?

He may have self esteem issues but an active, healthy lifestyle will help his mental wellbeing.

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 08:56:22

He's doesn't drink regularly or smoke. Not sure about exercise levels,we haven't massively discussed it.

But then,those factors weren't an issue with his ex,who this apparently didn't happen with. Which obviously makes me feel great!

StiffenedPleat Wed 04-Jan-17 11:30:17

His ex partner probably binned him off because of this very issue.

StiffenedPleat Wed 04-Jan-17 11:33:00

Suspect he's obfuscating re this never happening with the ex partner.

Mintychoc1 Wed 04-Jan-17 12:54:51

My advice would be to acknowledge it, but not make it into an "issue". So keep trying, but when it happens just say "oh well never mind" and then go back to chatting, cuddling etc. He can still give you orgasms, which will boost his self esteem and make him feel generally less of a failure. In time it's likely that he'll feel less intimidated and more comfortable, and the problem will go away.
That's been my experience in a couple of relationships anyway.
The last thing I would do is discuss it at length and plan strategies - in my experience men would rather rip their toenails out than discuss their erectile dysfunction and how to manage it!

SallyGinnamon Wed 04-Jan-17 20:59:10

Could it be a medical issue?

I used to sell viagra many years ago and from what I remember erectile dysfunction (i.e. not getting a full erection or being able to maintain it) was an early sign of cardio vascular disease. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case but might be worth eliminating.

Bob19701 Wed 04-Jan-17 22:16:27

**His ex partner probably binned him off because of this very issue.

What a totally insensitive and unhelpful comment hmm ...maybe as said earlier a visit to the gp might be a first step , 'early morning wood' may prove things are working ok .It may just be a psychological thing made worse by the pressure to perform ....take it easy and refrain from full sex to ease things off .

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 22:35:09

Thank you to all for the helpful comments, he told me this morning he has ordered a form of Viagra but I think we're both going to hold off and do everything but penetration for a while before trying that.

He's very open to talking about it and getting help for it, which is great as I think it does need to be discussed. I've told him I don't mind waiting, as long as we're working on it together. It's just typical as everything else is amazing. But we'll get through it, I'm not giving up that easy!

And yes, some very insensitive comments which I chose not to respond to, as I don't feed trolls! smile

BonsGirl Wed 04-Jan-17 23:18:59

I had this with an ex of mine (an ex for very different reasons!) I was 10 years older than him and it turned out he was feeling stressed about his performance. We managed sex about 2-3 times in 3 months, I didn't make a big deal out of it as it made him worse and caused a vicious circle. Eventually, with the pressure removed it just happened and we ended up with an amazing sex life - definitely worth waiting for!

wonderstuff123 Wed 04-Jan-17 23:36:02

Yep, that's the route I intend to go down. Just spent a bit of money on some fun games from lovehoney to take the pressure off, fingers crossed.

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