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At wits end

(24 Posts)
tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:01:25

Not sure where to start, am really quite tired lately as 10 nth old dd2 seems to have one cold after another, currently sitting with her asleep on my shoulder and she wakes up every time I put her down.
Just had yet another argument with DH (he's not been well and is vile at times when I'll), about the state of the house, after a petty argument about somerhing else then going into as usual my apparently lack of care keeping everything nice( constant source of issues, I'm a sahm that keeps reasonably clean and tidy everywhere, just been a bit behind on few things lately, since we had children the dynamics have changed and he seems to feel the need to 'manage' me rather than work as a partnership but I can't make him see this
I know I have got into this situation where I do absolutely everything for him and the kids and house and so it's just taken as standard rather than appreciated anymore

He has said yet again about a divorce (have had times in the past when he says it in a rage but admits doesn't really want that) and me moving back to my parents (long way away)
We had issues in the summer when he was mega stressed with work and I perhaps should have just taken the children and gone but I tried to please everyone and got through it and I thought moved on,
Anyway he's stormed off to bed slamming the door refusing to listen to me, after ripping up a soft toy belonging to the baby, I'm so angry I don't think I could sleep even if the baby was letting me!
Just wondering whether I should call his bluff and risk totally destroying all my little girls know and leaving, he will never share his feelings or open up to anyone so I don't think he'd do counselling though that's what he needs to make him see he's in the wrong

Been together 13 years married for 5.5 and got 2 dds 4 and nearly 1

What are my rights re finances etc? Our house isn't ours, car is on finance,
It's hard as if anyone else is there he wouldn't admit to anything he does so in the past has said wants divorce etc then acts normal with everyone else and it blows over and is ok again, other people think he's generally nice and don't see a side that I do,
Writing this makes me sound like a pathetic doormat doesn't it to just keep putting up with his blowing up and having tantrums then (literally) clearing up the mess and moving on, I once called his bluff and rearranged something after an argument and he said I should go on my own and then once it had involved telling my mum something and saying Things planned might not happen he said I'd 'made it real', which is why I don't think he ultimately wants to split up just plays mind games

I think when we started growing apart was when he was mega stressed and had a serious crisis at work (own business crucial busy period) and I had to go for a harmony test when pregnant with dd2, which was all fine but really hard on my own

He said he didn't love me in the summer and hasn't actually said he does for a while but I think he does deep down and we both love the girls
Sorry I'm totally rambling but needed to talk to someone as I'm so fed up of being treated like this and need to work out what to do

Shylo Tue 03-Jan-17 23:04:42

I'd take my girls and go home to my parents for a break if I were you - call his bluff and get yourself some breathing space to think about what you want to do.

He's treating you appallingly and you deserve better

tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:07:05

I know people are going to just post LTB
But it's not that simple and I want to try and find a less drastic solution as he does too I think, just won't listen to me as he's very arrogant and never wrong and very funny about other people knowing his business

We've been planning things like moving house (for more space, I've seriously de cluttered to a minimum but he has issues with me supposedly hoarding everything but there isn't a lot left to go) sorting out pensions and just done things like bought a new bed, all things that surely he wouldn't do if he really wanted to split up?

fc301 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:10:01

You have rightly assessed that his behaviour is unreasonable. This forum can help you hugely. Someone else will be along soon with more practical advice.
He sounds very self absorbed, as if he is put out by your attention to the children. Demanding the house be immaculate when you have 2 young DC, one of whom is ill, is shitty behaviour.
Consider whether this constitutes emotional abuse. He could be narcissistic. Google these things and educate yourself.
Please don't allow him to dictate what is tolerable for you and your DC. Value yourself. This was a good first step. Xx

tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:10:13

I don't know how I'd manage financially as he doesn't earn much but we get the house with his job so we have enough, it seems so drastic to take eldest away from school
Maybe I'll stop in the spare room (that is dd2s room, I've been in there lately with her being poorly anyway) and go at weekend....
I think he does have anger management issues I should have addressed years ago but don't know how

taptonaria27 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:21:02

You can't change him, he is the only person that can do that.
I hope you can get him to see how appallingly he is behaving

tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:37:35

Well me and baby are in our bed now, just tried to point out the thing earlier that started the argument wasn't my fault at all and he was actually in the wrong but been told not to restart the argument, that he hates me at the moment and I said we can't go on like we are, apparently I'm being really mean to everyone and am a nightmare to live with but don't think I am, i would try relationship counselling to see if we can salvage this, a month or two ago he was really fed up wanting a career change and was talking about our future and what we would do and saying the important thing was for us to look after the girls, definitely meaning all of us together, and after arguments saying he's been unhappy for months he then can start talking about next years holiday or something so I think he uses the divorce threat just as a threat when he's feeling like he's not winning

tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:43:38

We had a few issues after dd1, but was all good and so dd2 was planned and arrived, but since she was born I have had to do absolutely everything,which I don't actually mind as its my job and he works loads so that I can look after kids,just wish he didn't feel the need to nag and tell me to do stuff I'm about to do anyway and would just chill out about stuff sometimes(did far too much after coming out of hospital but just got on with things, if I asked for help was told I wasn't coping) and am usually fairly on top of stuff as I like everywhere nice
I think it's my own fault partly for allowing it to get this far and biting my tongue at times to avoid fallouts

tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:47:43

He fully admits he's not good in stressful situations and has times where he sees red and would argue black is white, or if things aren't within his control like forgetting something vital, even though later on he can look at things with a bit of perspective, at the time all toys are thrown out of pram and he has a tantrum that later almost doesn't seem to know he's done
I don't want the children to learn this behaviour but would like to try and keep our family together just somehow need to make him see what he's like and be willing to change....

tractorgirl123 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:49:39

Divorce seems such a drastic option, I think everyone would be really horrified if we did, our family and friends wouldn't see it coming at all,

Hillfarmer Wed 04-Jan-17 00:21:43

He is punishing you with his anger and the threat of anger. He is keeping you in line and you are treading on eggshells trying to second guess what you can do to stop him behaving like this.

The truth is that he is choosing to treat you like this. He wants control and this is how he gets it. His strategy is actually succeeding. It seems mind-blowing that this could be a strategy of anyone who cared about you, but it is. He is controlling and he is manipulative.

Plus, that threat of divorce is also a great weapon of fear for him. You are vulnerable after the recent birth of your dd2 and he knows you are afraid of divorce - he threatens it to make you back down and he knows you will try to placate him about it.

He is being abusive. Abuse often ( , and shockingly, ) starts after the birth of a child when a mother is at her most vulnerable, and when all the books tell you it's a special time of bonding and fluffy toys and loveliness. It is definitely not if you have a partner who is behaving like this. Ripping up your child's toy is a gesture designed to terrify and upset you.

Go to your mum'/. Confide in her, you need other people to know how he is treating you. It is absolutely NOT ok.

Poor you OP - you are not doing anything to cause this. He is bullying you and it is unacceptable. I completely recognise that description of your H treating you like he was 'managing' you, rather than you being a team. That's exactly how my XH treated me after our children. It seemed incredible that he was treating me like an underperforming employee.. As soon as I became a mother he seemed to completely lose any concept of us being a parenting team. It was so sad, but There was nothing I could do to change his attitude to me. It was a shock, but the 'old DH' never came back. That's why he's X.

SandyY2K Wed 04-Jan-17 00:36:17

Why don't you get away to your family for a couple of weeks if you can.

I think the time apart will give you space to think and get away from him.

Butterymuffin Wed 04-Jan-17 00:45:15

Next time he mentions divorce, or any reference to it not working etc, say 'Fine, ring a solicitor in the morning and get started on the divorce, I'm ready'. Make it his job to follow that through if he wants it but call his bluff by agreeing.

Fumbledore Wed 04-Jan-17 07:02:48

Classic narcissist - he acts horribly then tries to pin his behaviour on you. It messes with your head. Sorry but he's not nice at all. This is not how someone who loves you will behave.

Mrscog Wed 04-Jan-17 07:10:35

The things which struck me as being totally unreasonable are -

-Commenting on the housework if you do all of it, I get that you doing all of it might be a fair split for your family, but if that's the case he shouldn't comment on the quality! Do you comment on the quality of HIS work out of the home? Do you moan about his low salary to him? That would be the equivalent. How would he react if you posed that to him (not well I suspect!).

-Ripping up a child's toy is WELL out of order, abusive and scary. I would be reading the riot act over that one.

I agree with hillfarmer confide in your Mum, could you maybe go there for a few days - not as a 'I'm going' but just as a little holiday for the 3 of you?

He absolutely needs to learn how to deal with his emotions, it sounds like he has no idea, it would also chime with the keeping private stuff private etc. What are his family like?

flowers

PetalMettle Wed 04-Jan-17 09:16:17

I agree with all the others that there's nothing you're doing wrong. However if you do want to stay together have you ever discussed relationship counselling? Or just anger management counselling for him? I think bad patterns are learnt in childhood and he may not even reAlise how off beam his actions are. I've tried it with my OH when things are calmer - "you know other people don't do x, y.".
I wonder whether he's stressed about being the sole wage earner, particularly F your house is connected to his job. My OH got a lot better about everything when I went back to work - and also couldn't complain about housework as we were both out at work. Would going back to work be a financial option at all?

Cricrichan Wed 04-Jan-17 09:23:13

What a dick! Next time he complains either ignore him or tell him to do it or pay someone to do it. Maybe also look into going back to work or working when he's at home so he gets a taste of what you do.

Being the sole wage earner may be stressful but looking after kids and home is stressful too and you can't do right for doing wrong, especially when you have a young and sick child.

CocktailQueen Wed 04-Jan-17 09:32:45

he will never share his feelings or open up to anyone so I don't think he'd do counselling though that's what he needs to make him see he's in the wrong

he said he hates me at the moment and I said we can't go on like we are, apparently I'm being really mean to everyone and am a nightmare to live with

he just won't listen to me as he's very arrogant and never wrong and very funny about other people knowing his business

He's said he doesn't love you. You do everything for him and he doesn't appreciate you.

I think it's my own fault partly for allowing it to get this far and biting my tongue at times to avoid fallouts

Nope. You're not responsible for his behaviour or how he acts - HE IS.

He sounds horrible. He doesn't behave list someone who loves you. Living with him doesn't sound like much fun. Is this the way you want your dc to think relationships should be??

Sounds like he has absolutely no idea how to deal with his emotions - it's very difficult to have a relationship with someone who is never wrong!!

Why don't you go to your parents for a few days and have some breathing space? You might enjoy the time without him.

PetalMettle Wed 04-Jan-17 10:13:25

Sorry I didn't see the bit about younthink he would refuse to go to counselling.
Maybe you could go by yourself to work out what you want to do next

Hermonie2016 Wed 04-Jan-17 10:43:23

Don't rush to divorce but consider what boundaries you can put in place.Separation may be needed.Do tell your family though, don't not hide his behaviour.That is a warning sign to you as it's unhealthy for you to not share.

He sounds awful and certainly not good at managing his emotions.This will be impacting you and the children especially if you are trying to calm his anger.

By boundaries I think you have to treat him like a toddler.When he is calmer talk to him about his anger and the unacceptability of it.Ripping up toys is quite shocking.
You could also tell him that when he's angry he always mentions divorce, this makes you feel anxious as it feels as if the issues are not fixable. Ask him to stop doing that.

My stbxh had anger issues from childhood abuse and looking back when I was able to put a boundary in place it worked..However mostly I reacted to his anger with defensiveness and the cycle escalted.I did eventually leave as safety has be your nos1 priority and if you feel unsafe don't rationalise but go.Trust your instincts.

Does he do any outside activities? Is he OCD about the house? Has he got a trusted friend he could speak to?
Could you suggesting coaching rather than counselling, as men tend to prefer this style rather than a feelings conversation.

Adora10 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:39:31

I'd go and give myself a break if I was you, stop allowing him to call the shots and stand up for yourself, he is saying some horrendous things to you, does he not think it's having an affect or is he quite happy to blame you for all of his life's problems - instead of second guessing and tip toeing around him, give you some time for peace and reflect on what it is YOU want and I'd not go back unless you were both agreed that he needs to stop talking to you like you are some piece of crap.

tractorgirl123 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:19:04

Well he got up this morning as if nothing had happened (he's been quite poorly all weekend which hasn't helped the mood and he was feeling loads better) I have decided we need to do something and can't keep going round in circles, last night I said I'd had enough and we needed to do something
It's just hard with eldest at school now,
He does know what an * hole he is I think, and during calm rational moments we have talked about things and he admits he has moments where he just can't handle something (like we once were on a 4 hour trip somewhere and about 3/4 of the way there realised he'd forgotten something, totally flew off the handle and threatened to turn round and go home, without being able to see that we would be able to sort it out, and with that time just bought what he'd forgotten on the way all was fine, but for split second it was the end of the world)
Hopefully this time as it was the baby's you he ripped up he feels quite ashamed of himself

In reply to hermonie, yes he does a lot of exercise usually like walking and you can tell when he's not been out much, it definitely keeps stress levels down, sugar doesn't seem to help either
Very ocd about house stuff, everything has to be in its place, unless he's got it out then leaves trail of devastation and mess everywhere, obsessed with the fact I hoard stuff (I used to but have had a serious clear out now only have a few things he'd count as unnecessary)
He's always been very much do as I say not as I do, which I can usually handle but it's really starting to get to me

Hillfarmer Wed 04-Jan-17 22:08:26

You've agreed he needs to 'do something' - what is he suggesting OP? And what's his deadline for doing it by?

magoria Wed 04-Jan-17 22:21:01

How many of your DC's toys is he going to destroy when they are old enough to have their own opinions?

Funny it was someone else's stuff he destroyed in a temper not his own wasn't it?

He is very controlling. Do as I say not as I do. I am entitled to make the place a shit tip, you (and DCs later) cannot or I will shout and yell at you.

I think you need to go and he needs some help to learn to manage his anger and not take it out on others.

Your DC do not need to grow up around this.

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