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Life after ex

(17 Posts)
AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 22:59:32

Posting here for a hand-hold or a spare grip.

Ex and I separated last year. It was the right thing to do for a million reasons but it took him ages to move out and get his new place, which towards the end of the year, he finally did.

The dcs are shared residence. Right now they are with him and I miss them like hell.

we had an arrangement about money and he's not paying.

I feel really down. I feel like I am now in this cold, awful, joyless life. Just work, and worrying about money, and chasing him for the same bills that he won't pay. I am stuck with the practical shit and he is totally free to ignore my attempts to make him share it. I am pretty sure he is seeing / interested in someone else. I, on the other hand, feel like I have absolutely no idea how to inject any fun into my life at all and money is so, so tight. I am 45 and feel like I am just staring at a couple of decades of work, getting uglier and unhealthier, and then death.

He's an awful stupid cliche of a man who is prioritising his good times over paying for his children, but knowing he's crap doesn't make me feel better.

Before he moved out I was dying for him to go. Now he has, it has really hit me that no one loves me. (because the dcs aren't here, they love me of course, but they aren't supposed to look after me and it's not like having an adult who cares about you.) There is a photo on facebook of dc2 sitting right next to me at a picnic in the summer and I feel that's where she is supposed to be, she belongs at my side, leaning on me, she is too little to be away from me and I miss them like hell and I hate this life already and I have hardly started it.

I can't bear the thought of some other man so that isn't the solution (not that I think I'm much of a catch anyway). I just can't understand how I have got so many things wrong that I worked so hard and lost it all.

I have given up my one hobby which I can't do without childcare and it's on a night I have the dcs. he always resented me doing it and now I can't and he's got what he wanted. While he is out with some lovely childless young woman who probably thinks he is sweet and charming.

Sorry about this awful self pitying moan. It could all have been much worse and I know things are fine really. I am just really struggling right now, feeling really cold and empty and tired.

I am sure there are lots of people in the same boat making a go of it. I'd love to be told to pull myself together by someone who has their head screwed on better than me

AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 23:01:48

There is a mother of one of dcs' friends who is expecting her third baby and she is so excited and so is her husband. I don't want any babies but I am so excruciatingly envious of the hope and joy and happiness they have. I am happy for them but hearing from her is killing me. I just feel like everything is over

AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 23:04:40

Right now I feel like I was afraid I would feel when I was still fighting for it. I have forgotten why it mattered that he didn't respect me or listen to me or do anything to make me happy or even not to cause me inconvenience. I have forgotten why it mattered that he would refuse to discuss anything with me and would barricade doors against me when I tried to, and physically push me away. I feel like I have made the hugest mistake in letting him (asking him to!) leave and the world is divided into people who have someone who they are notionally loved and protected by (however shitly) and the others, who just have nothing.

AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 23:06:16

When I had my babies I thought we were a family. he wasn't perfect and life was pretty tough but I thought we were going to stay together and work everything out. he couldn't be bothered. he just didn't want to enough. he just didn't love me. I haven't done a single thing for myself in 12 years. I don't even know who I am.

AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 23:07:16

the fact that he won't pay the money is really getting to me. Just really fucking basic. I guess it's adding injury to insult

AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 23:14:13

I'm crashing really badly. I haven't had a chance to stop in years. Working full time, big job, babies turning into children, house, moving, etc.... I desperately desperately needed a break. I finally get one and I feel like I'm realising that I have done something permanent that I didn't realise would be permanent. I needed him to go away and let me have my own space so I could just sleep and think and read for a bit and now I feel: what have I done. What the fucking fuck have I done. this is my life now. I tried and tried and tried and it was too much and I broke and I disgusted him and he left and I wanted him to leave and now it's all broken for ever. I want my dcs back with me all the time and I don't want to be all on my own. I just couldn't carry it all and now it's all been taken away.

patandjess Tue 03-Jan-17 23:15:10

Long time lurker here, but can't leave you like this!
I am in a similar situation so I totally understand. BUT - it gets better, I promise it does. You've done the right thing, it's just hard to see it right now because it's bloody difficult and tiring and depressing, and he just seems to be enjoying life as a newly single man.
Do you have any good girlfriends? Mine came into their own at this time so I would suggest - and this is brave - texting one of them and saying 'I am struggling. Do you want to do something tomorrow night?' Or whatever. Pick the kindest friend you've got, and just reach out.

HorraceTheOtter Tue 03-Jan-17 23:15:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiGrinch Tue 03-Jan-17 23:16:33

he wouldn't listen to me, he would never listen, if I wrote him an email he would delete it. he must have wanted this to happen, it doesn't matter what I want, he must have wanted me to be gone or not cared, there is no point in regret when he didn't want me anyway

I knew in the beginning in a way. I knew in the beginning I could never really trust him. he always thought he was better and more important and I didn't realise that it would really matter that he didn't have my back. I didn't know, I didn't know to hold out for better

patandjess Tue 03-Jan-17 23:17:20

Other proactive things you can do: depending on how old your dcs are, it may well be in their best interests to be with you more of the time. Can you talk to him about this?
Also see if your doctor will sign you off work for a few weeks. Get a break. Seriously - do this so you can regroup and not think about work for a while.

Jules8432 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:18:40

Aww I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through this antigrinch sad
I know it sounds cliche but time really is the greatest healer x
You need to be kind to yourself (get your hair done, see friends, join a class of something you enjoy, have nice bubble baths etc)
You will start to adapt to how things are and you won't feel like this forever I promise.

You said you were desperate for him to leave so hold onto how you felt when he was there and remember that it's not the end it's just the beginning. You're on a journey now and it's up to you how it goes!

You feel sad because you're mourning the end of something and not having the kids 24/7.
But once you start to feel better you might start thinking about dating and then you might meet an amazing guy who wants to take you away for romantic weekends etc, and then you'll be pleased you have spare time smile

My point is sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to climb back up.
And sometimes we have to embrace change and our new found situation.
Because the alternative is fighting/not accepting it and that will lead to you getting depressed and eating your own weight in ice cream if you're anything like me 🙈

You are only 45. There's millions of people your age newly single or whom have never found it so please don't feel like the only one and no one will want you because it's just not true x

Work on yourself, let yourself mourn the end of things then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and live your life how you'd want your daughter to live hers smile

Good luck xxx

Princessmollygolly Tue 03-Jan-17 23:22:56

I just wanted to give a virtual hug. I know how shit it can be. You are not alone.

seventhgonickname Tue 03-Jan-17 23:33:20

I went through with our separation in June,I moved much faster than he expected.He has had DD only 5 x since then,she is 13 and she is hurting.
You get by at first on anger,then for me I had so much to do, lists.
Now we are stable,he pays almost nothing and nothing towards clothing,etc.Organising is the same as he did nothing.
My family all made sure we were occupied over Christmas but it was over and she came back from her dad's on NY day we had had no time to feel festive and take stock.
It's a new year and I symbolically signed all divorce papers on the 1st.The view into the distance is empty,I think we are grieve ng for how I should have been and our dreams
Our children are there for love but we cannot lean in them and if we do our job right they will fly.
I understand you totally,I am in my 50s so not even dreaming of another man and raising loans is hard until finances sorted.
But every now and then I glimpse hope or happiness and I am realising that instead of just resigning to the daily grind I have time to plan instead of drift and refind the woman I was before marriage.
You can do it but be kind to yourself for a while,you are still young,yes you are,and just need to get past this bit and find a babysitter (talk to neighbours someone will know a willing teenager)and get back to your hobby.You will feel better doing it and also for not letting your ex control you.
I really wish you all the best,you are not alone in feeling this way.Lots of us are at different places on the same path towards being us again.x

Hermonie2016 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:56:12

I know these feelings well so do not be hard on yourself.The pain in your marriage became too much and you needed it to stop.

Now you have the break, reality has set in and you feel the losses.It is grief.
Firstly take time off work, treat it as an illness and make yourself a priority.Practice extreme self care.
Try something physical like yoga or other exercise.
Do one thing a day for you, even if it's just a coffee in a cafe.
Start a gratitude diary and sign up to daily motivations.Check out YouTube for inspirational speakers and mindfulness.

It hurts when you feel unloved but that's not reality.You will be loved by many people including your children.

I doubt your ex is having a great time, men generally do worse long term from separation,women generally thrive long term.

On the finances, get to a solicitor so you have a legal agreement or claim CSA for the children.Are you married?

Finally, do you feel you have tried everything to make your relationship work? If the answer is yes then you will recover but it just needs a little time.You are likely to be stronger afterwards but grief is a necessary stage.

I would also prioritise counselling.I have just had a first session with a therapist who I really connected with and I feel so much lighter and optimistic.I have major challenges ahead, selling moving, new schools, jobs but I feel I will get through it.
It felt like my ex didn't love me enough but I know he did, just not in the way I deserve..Letting him go will provide a space for the right person to come into my life..Same for you, if you were not happy then letting him go will create the vacuum.

You have so much to process and come to terms with after a separation that it can feel overwhelming. It sounds glib but trust me, it will get easier in time flowers

Remember that the version of their lives that other people make public always looks shiny and wonderful. People in relationships might be the victims of domestic abuse. Secretly struggling with mental health problems. Drowning in debt. Feeling desperately unfulfilled and empty. Right now you're at an extreme low - some great advice I got once was not to compare your worst with other people's best. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Remember the grass is not greener.

Don't be ashamed to reach out to others for help and support - even just being able to vent to a friend who's good at listening can help you to put things in perspective.

Shayelle Wed 04-Jan-17 07:31:00

Try not to feel sad about thinking someone might not love you. You sound really loveable! Find out what makes YOU happy, love yourself. Then you wont worry about needing love from any man. flowers

AntiGrinch Wed 04-Jan-17 09:30:11

Thank you everyone. You are all so kind and saying such helpful things.

I feel a lot better this morning and I know it is partly from having a good night's sleep. I really have to get better self care habits. I am prone to depression and late nights sitting up feeling bad about things is just stupid when I should be tucked up in bed sleeping.

I think I put off feeling like this when I "should" have felt it and am so surprised to be feeling it now. I am not drinking and I maybe there is stuff surfacing that I have drunk underground in the past (as well as just not having time to feel it). I am trying to see it as a positive that I am feeling these feelings and not storing them up and this means there can be better times ahead.

Thanks for coming to talk to me about all this. I really appreciate it.

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