Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help with divorce and ea husband. Sorry for such a long op.

(56 Posts)
flirtygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 22:20:14

I posted on mumsnet and you helped me see that i was being controlled and i kind of knew it. The last few months got worse and worse. Cycles of emotional abuse, got closer and closer but in truth its been years. 10 years since we met and 9 yeqrs married. 2 kids 17 and 7 dds, oldest its the only dad she has ever known.

I started to plan to escape but i dont think i ever would. There has also been financial abuse, some sexual abuse and violence.

19th dec he started shouting early and after days of low level mental cruelty and him being in physical pain (hes got a back ppoblem) i got scared and i started shouting. Not the first time i snapped and i was shouting over and over im scared of you please im scared of you. I stay quite calm mostly but i do shout back at times but ive flipped out a few times big like this usually when the abuse coincided with my period and pmt and i couldnt take no more.

It upset the kids and i was scared so i decided to pack a few things for the three of us and go to my mums. Later that day he held a knife at me in the kitchen.

The next day when i returned to get more things he strangled me twice and joked that i was lucky to be on my period as otherwise he would force me.

He was ill and in pain but i stayed away till christmas eve, he saw me briefly with the kids mosts days for a couple of mins when i got more clothes or did washing but mostly i refused to talk to him past hello/goodbye saying i needed space to think. We argued xmas eve and he came round my mums and shouted there.

Then finally i got him to agree to get some help this was moments after he held scissors to my neck.
Then it felt calmer and i thought it was okay.

The 30th he said he wanted a divorce. He had had enough.

So yes i knew i should leave and i left but i wanted to go back and sort it out.

I didnt and still dont feel ready to move on.

I almost posted xmas week about please stop me going back to my husband.
I then almost posted for advice on divorce.

Now im just posting as i know a divorce was needed but how can i reconcile my mind and heart.

I came home yesterday and moved back in as we agreed to tell the girls gently together that we are divorcing.

In his mind he has done nothing wrong he calls the strangling only a joke. He says i cause him stress and he wants to marry a girl from his own country so language, religion and culture are no longer a problem. Fine but he never felt this before.

Before he was begging me to talk to him and brought me a card xmas eve which he then ripped up on xmas day.

I read it and it was all apologies fine then the next week like im dead to him.

So i opened his facebook and found messages from an old girlfriend. Throughout our relationship she would message him saying how much she loved him and one time he rang her after an argument. After reading a message from her. 6 months no messages and then the 22nd she contacted him and he replied. Then they messaged mulitple times a day and now he says after we are divorced he will marry her.

He cant understand why i am hurt and i shouldnt be upset as we did not connect and hes scared that one day he will go too far and hurt me.
Still taking no responsibilty that he has hurt me physically and emotionally and the kids.

But please why am i almost begging him to change his mind?
Why when i was trying to escape?
Now i will move away and start anew, divorced but the next second bereft and wanting my husband.

In one breath he says he wants to get married but if he does its to her but its a if but im not allowed to get anyone and if he finds out i had a boyfriend he will make trouble and problems.
He said if i got a man and even if he heard the kids didnt like it he would kill me and kill the man.

Over the last few days ive kept my calm and just talked and talked to him reasoning that he cant stop me moving away and one day i will remarry a good man, i hope and he cant stop that.

Its feels a little better but its in the back of my head that im screwed and he may do anthing anyway.

Im being so good and calm with him calmer than i was alot of the time but my 7yo is crying every moment which is understandable.

He goes friday or sat to a bedsit.
Its taken still today to arrange.

I came home yesterday as he asked to make it good for the girls to see us together, no arguing and be calm and tell them togther as hes scared they will hate him as he wont see them as much as not living with them. He told them that even if he moves back to his country and has more children they are welcome and hes still dad.

From the first talk of him saying i want divorce, he said im still young and want to remarry (im 38 snd hes 32) and have kids and then he lied over a couple of days until in one talk , he finally admitted it what he was planning to divorce me and marry this girl. After 8 days of messages where he blamed me for being at my mums when he was sick and in pain and not talking to him when he needed me.

So my questions are what can i do?
One minute i feel i had a lucky eacape and the next i feel so sad and want to beg him to stay.

I have agreed to travel to his country feb or march to sort out the things we have there and the kids to see family because he thinks after that i will bring them yearly or let them go without me with him.
I wont go ever again and so i owe it to them to say goodbye.

Am i in my rights when divorced to not let them go as i will fear for their safety?

When i move it will be so he doesnt know where i live so im not looking over my shoulder so is this ok?

He said he must know where i live as he was talking some magical existence where he has new wife and kids and i stay in this house not allowed to move or have a boyfriend or remarry. The kids must visit him and i must say nice things about him and new wife.

Im thinking im living in a parellel universe and still if he said tomorrow lets stay married i may agree.

Whats wrong with me?

Please talk to me to signpost me to help, tell me your own experiences and help me get through this.

flirtygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 22:26:45

sorry i really didnt think it was that long

Ilovecaindingle Tue 03-Jan-17 22:37:37

Pack a bag and get your kids the hell out of there..
He did connecr with you..
With a knife. A pair of scissors. And his bare hands. If you don't walk out you will likely be carried out in a body bag. Do not take your kids abroad with him. Do you think he will let you bring them back? You need to get to a refuge and take your kids to safety. Now.
It is your responsibility to do this. .

Thattimeofyearagain Tue 03-Jan-17 22:38:11

Stockholm syndrome. Fear of the unknown. Call WA and speak to someone with experience flowers

Ouriana Tue 03-Jan-17 22:45:39

The way you are reacting isnt making sense because he has, and still is, seriously fucking with your head.

Stop engaging in talking about the future and if you will date, it is not of that controlling shits business.

Divorce will be the best thing that ever happens to you flowers

Cherrysoup Tue 03-Jan-17 22:57:01

Google FOG. Also read up on Stockholm syndrome. Please don't take the dc to his country, you have no way of enforcing their return if he decides to be a twat no keep them there. Don't let him touch their passports, hide them.

You so need to get away from this idiot, you risk having your dds repeating the cycle of what they see if you allow it and find it acceptable. I say call the police and have him charged.

Mamia15 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:02:09

Contact the police - that way you get all this on record and it will be easier to fight him as you will then qualify for legal aid and also it will make him getting custody/unsupervised child access much more difficult.

Mamia15 Tue 03-Jan-17 23:02:45

Please also contact Women's Aid - they will give you specialist advice.

flirtygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 23:29:44

Thanks to you all, i had decided to call wa tomorrow, the day i left 19th dec, i called them but couldnt get through.

Yes my head is messed up, im swinging back and forth making plans but then planning to stay, which i know sounds crazy.

Just since i posted ive sent messages to people in real life to say im getting a divorce. I know that making it real is the only way to keep from going back.

In all these years i just didnt admit it, i moaned and said dh is a little bit difficult but no one has a clue. I never told my mum why i was staying with her only that i needed a break to think.

i could not be honest with myself so how can i be honest with others.

BrightRedSpinner Tue 03-Jan-17 23:51:43

Call WA, if you dot get an answer leave a message and they will get back to you within 24hrs. They got back to me within 1hr both times I've done that. They will help. flowers

BrightRedSpinner Tue 03-Jan-17 23:52:55

Telling my mum was one of the best things I ever did. Also telling the police. You CAN do it.

FeelTheNoise Wed 04-Jan-17 00:12:17

I'm really worried for you and your children because he is very dangerous. I think you will need to get far away from him and quickly. Do you know where your children's passports are?

flirtygirl Wed 04-Jan-17 00:27:22

I took the passports when i left and ive left them at my mums with some other documents.

I have never called the police, in all these years, he actually threatened to call them on me. Im kinda relieved about the divorce as before i dreamed of just moving away when he went abroad but now its a reality and coming from him.

I keep wavering though. Had he not asked for a divorce would i have gone back? Yes, i would still be married to him. I feel sick with myself knowing that.

I googled Fog, thanks Cherry, ive got a lot of reading to do.
Yep Spinner i will talk with my mum, i think the biggest problem is how private a person i am and how i never wanted anyone to know.

BrightRedSpinner Wed 04-Jan-17 07:17:50

I never wanted anyone to know either. I totally get that. I found that I told my mum in sort of stages, and the more I told the easier it became. Prob sounds stupid but found/find it easier to tell / talk about difficult stuff if I don't make too much eye contact. I find it soothing to focus on an inanimate object.

It doesn't matter that you've never been to the police before. If you tell them now they will believe you and they will take it very seriously and will help. They'll refer you to a domestic violence support worker for a start. I have found mine invaluable.

Cricrichan Wed 04-Jan-17 08:28:26

Omg op. You're in danger. And possibly your girls when they're older and do something he doesn't agree with.

You need to report this to the police.

flirtygirl Wed 04-Jan-17 17:15:50

Hi thanks to you all, today i spoke with my mum, she was shocked but had got an inkling over the years. She thought he was just unreasonable and used to getting his own way. She would always tell me to stand up to him, the early days i listened and made things worse.

He is not a person to negotiate with so i have learnt to go around him or wait until its like he thought of it himself.

I am contacting the police tomorrow but will they contact him or will it just be on the record? Contacting him seriously would make me fear for my life but i would like it documented.

I want to think that he goes by sat to the bedsit and we continue with getting a divorce, if arrested and then released this would make the situation worse. He has no respect for the police or any authority.

flirtygirl Wed 04-Jan-17 17:25:51

I spent the night reading as couldnt sleep anyway and i know it needs to end now, im just so scared, i cant stop shaking. Scared of the future and the fact i want to be with him still.

I also went drs today but dr was dismissive as i wanted to say something about the situation but i didnt. just came away with normal prescription.

dangermouseisace Wed 04-Jan-17 17:34:10

Have you called WA OP? They may be able to allocate you a worker. Also have you told any friends etc what has been going on? As if you have people who love you who know what's been happening they can help keep you focussed on the reality that you cannot stay with this man. Women die every week at the hands of the men they lived, and your DH sounds extremely dangerous.

dangermouseisace Wed 04-Jan-17 17:34:50

Loved not lived phone grr

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe Wed 04-Jan-17 17:41:23

It's really important that, if you can, you go back to your GP and tell them what you meant to tell them today.

It will create a paper trail which could help you qualify for legal aid to divorce.

BrightRedSpinner Wed 04-Jan-17 18:45:41

Yy to telling doc. Perhaps ask for a female GP?

When you tell the police they may decide to arrest him. If you tell them everything in as much detail as possible they may be able to charge him which would mean bail conditions forbidding contact likely. If he is charged, regardless of verdict you can apply for a restraining order.

Regardless of police stuff you can, and should, apply for a non-molestation order (injunction) from the family court. If he is arrested they will likely grant one on an emergency basis without him being present or notified in advance. If there has been a recent threat or use of violence you can get an emergency injunction regardless of arrest or police involvement. There is an organisation that can help you apply for an emergency non-mol
Look at their website, it's very informative.

I don't think I would have broken free without the enforced break in communication I got from bail conditions and injunction. In my case the police seemed very keen for me to get the injunction and drove me to and from the family court to get it while he was in custody before they charged him.

Do call WA. They will help you. 08082000247

My mum was the same as yours - she'd suspected but not anything like the level things were at. You are doing so well. You are making the right decisions. Keep strong and keep going. You deserve to be safe and so do your children.

flirtygirl Wed 04-Jan-17 19:30:00

Im here and reading when i can, sorry for the pauses, hes still here so its hard to read and respond often till he sleeps.

BrightRedSpinner Wed 04-Jan-17 21:11:25

Make sure you sign out in between posting and delete internet history/use private browsing if you look at anything related online.

Do you have any time to yourself in the daytime?

flirtygirl Wed 04-Jan-17 23:50:22

Yep hes out 6am till 2pm tomorrow so ive got to search for some paperwork.

I feel like im betraying him, why? I found some this morning, cant believe i had never seen his payslips before as he hid them.

Only have a small window each day with waking up, kids and then hes back again. Tomorrow is paperwork and hopefully get through to wa as cant ring when he's in the house.

Thanks spinner got to keep remembering the historys.

Hes confusing me, last night he wanted sex, today ignored me (thank goodness) and wont talk about going but started packing and cleared out his bedside drawers this afternoon.

BrightRedSpinner Thu 05-Jan-17 07:48:01

He's deliberately messing with your head. Call WA as early as you can, and leave them a message saying what times are safe for them to call you. They will phone you back and they will help. flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now