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How to stop this unhealthy relationship with 'out of touch' father? (long)

(10 Posts)
malificent7 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:17:28

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

Just to reiterate that he is very comfortable now with a mortgage paid off and lots of holidays etc.

malificent7 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:20:06

Also, my point is I want to be better with money so I don't have to rely on him for cash at all but I feel his disapproval of me stings. He told me last year that he would never have got himself in the situation of being a single parent anyway.

Ilovecaindingle Tue 03-Jan-17 19:20:33

Maybe for the sake of your mh and the way he nags you about cash you should convince yourself he is skint too then you won't be tempted to borrow off him again.

malificent7 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:23:15

Good idea ! I will try and get that in my head! I think he always thinks skint anyway...perhaps that is what I should do.

But then again he doesn't get why I shop at Lidl and Aldi and thinks that they are really 'tacky.'

malificent7 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:36:00

I think the problem is that because my dad was so controlling over family finances, it kind of absolved mum and I of being responsible for them if you like.

He is just so weird about it... generous occasionally but then resentful for being generous.
When I got a bit of inheritance he 'looked after' it for me and dished bits out as he didn't trust me to look after it. (Or I didn't trust myself.)

Any more ideas. I do love him and he is great with dd but I still feel like the naughty child. ( I wasn't that naughty btw!)

EvaSthlm Sat 07-Jan-17 18:27:41

Seems to be two or three different problems here. First, it's your own situation with the temporary jobs, and how to make plans for a better financial situation in the future. Then and unrelated to the first problem, it's how you speak about money with your dad (and whether you sort of relapse into teenage-ish behaviour... in spite of being an adult... easily done). The third problem is short term liquidity and how to save up to a buffer, the size of a couple of monthly salaries at least. I recall Dr. Phil (the talk show) did put forward some good advice, ages ago, and here they are again

Thegiantofillinois Sat 07-Jan-17 18:28:43

Didn't you post this the other day?

Honeyandfizz Sat 07-Jan-17 18:30:44

I read this a few days ago, why has it posted again?! confused

EvaSthlm Sat 07-Jan-17 18:44:42

I have no idea if there's a double post - I haven't seen the other one - but know it can sometimes happen with web boards, you double click one time too many while the page is loading or something...

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 07-Jan-17 18:49:00

No, OP got plenty of answers on this the other day but didn't like them and has even posted a follow up thread since, where it again didn't go her way so she said she'd leave it and get better advice elsewhere...

OP, either start listening to the good advice you're repeatedly being given, or stop covering the same ground over and over again and getting chippy when you're called on your attitude and lack of personal responsibility.

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