Is giving your husband space a good thing?

[user1483460452]

H wants some space to decide if he wants to end our 16 yr marriage. I have to just wait and see what he decides for my future. Should I wait? Is this delaying the inevitable?

[Heirhelp]

What do you want?

[TheNaze73]

Depends what you want.

[tinglyfing]

And how long he expects you to wait for!!

[user1483460452]

I want the relationship to go on, I do love him. I just don't want to be a door mat.

[GeekLove]

It sounds like it. When they say they need 'space' they don't need 'space' they are saying: 'I'm a big pussy coward who wants the convenience of having a spouse but who doesn't want any of the resposibility'.

The kindest thing would be to make the decision for him as in my experience this is the kiss of death.

[user1483460452]

I don't know how long as he says he doesn't know. I guess just take it slowly

[Ilovecaindingle]

Depends if his space includes an ow for a sort of' try before you buy 'scenario?

[BertieBotts]

Has he said what his problem is with the marriage?

IME when someone wants space to figure this out... they have already decided and they are just trying to soften the blow. But not always?

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Is he moving out ? If not then what does he mean by 'space' ? Is it like 'on a break' ?

[Oblomov16]

Ask gently for some sort of timeframe. Ask him how long he needs to make a decision. A week? A month?

[InfoFreako]

I guess it depends on how much you both want to work on the marriage. Has he reached the end of the line or is there a way back?

Good luck!

Cheers.

[user1483460452]

Maybe he has already made his mind up.... He says he cares about me but less than he did. He says he will move out next week. I just fear that he may relish being by himself and not miss me.....

[user1483460452]

Sorry for delay in responding, phone battery ran out and had to plug in!

[cheekyfunkymonkey]

I would go cold turkey, or as much as possible if you have kids, absolutely no contact for an agreed timeframe that you can handle ( 3 months?). Don't make it easy for him by doing anything you would normally do for him and treat it as an excuse to spend time with friends, family and on yourself. Don't worry about him preferring life on his own. He may hate it and you may surprise yourself. It will certainly clarify things.

[user1483460452]

Cheers cheekyfunkymonkey. We have no kids. Just a dog 🐶. Good to chat.

[user1483460452]

Indeed thank you to all of you , much appreciated x

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Yes, definitely agree a timeframe and be out of contact for that time with an agreement to start "dating" again afterwards of you want to. He should expect to woo you back after 3 months.

That said, I'd be astonished if there isn't OW in the background that he just happens to meet and fall for, in about a months time.

[user1483460452]

Time will tell...I shall try to implement the suggested plan

[SleepingTiger]

If your relationship does not already accommodate space, because you as individuals do not make it happen, despite the hustle and bustle of daily life, then it is poor already.

My space is in the shower on a Saturday morning, on the train home in the evening, sometimes on holiday when I take a long beach walk on my own. In between and not separate from normal family stuff. On the blank canvas I was given at birth, I have slowly been painting on the big shapes that define my life, and invariably in between those shapes there are other blank spaces, the little gaps, in which I can dwell and paint other things. These are these spaces, the shower, the beach walk, the summer evening wine outside looking at the space station drift overhead. These do me. I do not need to carve out great waves of unending time, where I have to physically go and explore some great sandy continent with a canvas backpack, or wrap myself up in an intangible blanket of silent 'neglect the family' in the work shed. Or worse.

If he needs to do these things, let him. Let him go. Concentrate on you and existing relationships. If he doesn't come back, life doesn't end. In fact, you do not know what is around the corner. You just never know that.

[user1483460452]

Very poignant SleepingTiger. We do already have those pockets of space, he wants/ needs more, away from me...

[SleepingTiger]

Give them to him.
What are you worried about?

[user1483460452]

Being alone. Feeling like a failure, even though I know it's not my fault. Throwing away 16 years. Letting go without fighting for our relationship, but it seems I am doing all the fighting...

[user1483460452]

Maybe I am frightened of what the future unknown holds for me

[LouSaint]

Please be careful OP. My STBX wanted 'space' over the summer, it turned out he was seeing a barmaid at his local, he hadn't quite made up his mind. It drove me to a breakdown. Just waiting, and suspecting, not being able to prove anything (and if I had- he would say he was single) months of torture, that I can't get back. As soon as he'd made his mind up (he didn't even have the balls to tell me- he told my cousin knowing she'd have to tell me) he dropped me like a ton of shit. 24 years.

[user1483460452]

Thank you SleepingTiger, I see your point, it's not the end of my life, but could be the beginning, without taking the plunge and letting go I will never know what lies ahead