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The Samaritans after vile texts from Ex

(25 Posts)
sunshinejustshowsthedustup Tue 03-Jan-17 13:04:48

After a truly vile string of texts from my ex designed to upset my NYE with my new partner I ended up sitting in my car on NYE and phoning the Samaritans. I really never imagined my life would be at this place ever.

I tried to phone my contact with Domestic Abuse first (went to answer phone unfortunately).

Just don't know where to turn now & wonder if I can ever come back from this pit of utter despair.

Tenshidarkangel Tue 03-Jan-17 13:08:02

Why have you not blocked their number? :/

hellsbellsmelons Tue 03-Jan-17 13:10:00

Were they threatening messages?
Can you block him from your phone?
I would certainly have done that on NYE to stop any further nastiness and enjoyment of my evening.
Are you seeing your GP?
Are you on AD's?
I would suggest getting to your GP if you aren't already on medication for your depression.
If you are then I would suggest your GP again and hope they can change things around for you.
If he was threatening then get the police and get it logged.
Do it every single time!

sunshinejustshowsthedustup Tue 03-Jan-17 13:25:52

He wasn't blocked because up until this point our relationship had been very civil.
He seemed to be wound up because his girlfriend was out with her friends & hadn't invited him.
One of my DS lives with him (he's 15) & had a cold so I was being irresponsible by not driving back 70 miles, after a couple of drinks & sitting on his bed mopping his brow. He made a miraculous recovery the next day & I seriously doubt he was ever had a cold. & by coincidence my DS phone had been switched to airplane mode so I was unable to contact him.

"I'm sure the cunt sat with you will explain why *** mother can't be with him when he's ill"

"he's got his Dad, that's plenty"

"if his condition worsens, I'll deal with it myself. You can explain why you can't be bothered to be by his side, that's if he can be arsed to listen."

Me : " You are trying your hardest to make me feel like shit & a bad mother. I'm not & never will be. You are being a wanker by not letting me speak to him"

"Ah, the real you is back. The shit mother egged on by your cunt of a shit father. You're a pair of cunts together, you deserve each other. Now let me get back to nursing my son whilst you spread your legs to anyone and everyone in whatever spunk stained hotel room you are in. You are an evil, self-absorbed, uncompassionate bitch and your attitude towards your ill son defines you perfectly"

FTR I am 49 & have only had 3 partners in my entire life.

he also treated to to go to court for full custody based on this incident.

Ellisandra Tue 03-Jan-17 13:41:53

That's a shocking message to receive, and I can understand why you were so upset.

I expect your XH was very drunk - I don't say that as an excuse though.

Take control.
Ignore anything about going to court to change the child arrangements.
Keep the messages.
Speak to Women's Aid or a solicitor about the kind of orders you could apply for against him if he sends vile abuse like that again.
Once you're clear on that, send him one text telling him that he is to communicate about the children and any further foul language or abusive insults will trigger you starting (insert name of order)

But first - do speak to Women's Aid as I'm sure their advice is better than mine!

And do look into counselling. It's a shocking thing to be on the receiving end of, especially out of the blue, but counselling might help you build resilience. You need to not give a flying fuck what he says. Hard for something so crude, untrue and vile to be water off a duck's back exactly, but you need to reach a place where it can't hurt you.

Good luck flowers

hellsbellsmelons Tue 03-Jan-17 13:43:43

Good grief - I'll use his word and one I don't use often - what a fucking CUNT! he is.

How low can one person stoop.
Please don't let this thing get you so down.
You know he was trying to ruin your night as his had be ruined.
Unfortunately, he succeeded.
But it's done now.
Block him from now on and only communicate with your son directly.

That really is the most awful vile spiel, you could show the police and see what they say?

SandyY2K Tue 03-Jan-17 14:42:16

Is he mad?

Surely at 15, your son can tell you if he was ill. A simple cold isn't enough to warrant that behaviour.

Please don't listen to the words of such a foolish man.

mickyblueyes Tue 03-Jan-17 14:52:00

When those messages get read to the judge, when he takes you to court...theres only one person who is going to look like a C* (Sorry can't bring myself to even say that word).

He's a childish idiot...was he drunk? lonely? In need of attention? Poor sad sausage. As SandyY2K says try to ignore him.

sunshinejustshowsthedustup Tue 03-Jan-17 14:59:30

Thank you for your responses.

I have now blocked him & switched my sons phone back off airplane mode so he can actually receive calls.

It was pure venom & anger on his behalf that I have moved on with my life.

I feel a bit daft at ringing the Samaritans but at the time he made me think that maybe I am a crap mother.

Before I blocked him he sent this message the next morning :

"I am just trying to help you. You need to realise the difference between making the wrong/right decisions & sometimes it takes a friend like me to make you see this. Shut the door on people who care and you'll suffer. let me help you get through this selfish phase of your life. I am here for you forever."

Thank God I left him.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 03-Jan-17 15:02:03

Dear god! And thank god indeed you left!
He really is deluded.
I'm so glad you have blocked him.
He really is a cock of the highest order.

Don't feel daft that is what the Samaritans are there for.
To listen and let you rant and aid when asked!
You did the right thing for you at the right time!

Simonneilsbeard Tue 03-Jan-17 15:05:16

That's an absolutely disgusting message to send anyone let alone the mother of his children.
What a vile creature he is.
Keep every single text he sends you like this and don't respond to his texts at all.
If you can't block him or you need to keep communication open for the children then create a separate email account for your ex only. This way if the need ever arises you have evidence in one place and proof its from him.

Simonneilsbeard Tue 03-Jan-17 15:06:06

Oops sorry I didnt see the update where you'd blocked him. Well done!

Ellisandra Tue 03-Jan-17 15:16:14

Oooooh, that update is creepy as fuck!
I'd rather be called a cunt than have his offers of "help".
Yes yes yes to being glad you left him!!!

Ilovecaindingle Tue 03-Jan-17 15:19:10

And your son lives with him???

stilllearnin Tue 03-Jan-17 15:43:34

Hello OP. I am not great at advice but I have had this exact thing two nye's running. So first flowers

Secondly a few thoughts. I get completely why you want to defend yourself, but I too have been drawn into these kind of exchanges. I find it better for everyone if I don't engage when it's like this. Ie no need to tell him you're not a shit mother, it is not for him to judge. It is very very difficult when you are apart from your children, especially when as in your ds' case you are not living with him, but be confident in your ability to parent your son. You don't need your ex to tell you what you need to do when ds has a cold that is for you to judge, based presumably on quite a few years of mothering. Don't be thrown by ex's bile.

I too, have been driven to phoning the Samaritans and it did help. This kind of contact with my ex still gets me down and makes me feel sad for my dc, but I am getting better at it. If you need to respond I sometimes go for a simple text of 'ok' and if needed add that you're trying to contact ds and will speak to him direct about it.

That said, god, it's tough.

stilllearnin Tue 03-Jan-17 15:47:14

Oh cross post. But again I get those messages too!! And my thoughts still apply. Don't feel bad about the Samaritans. I do know what you mean. But they are there to get you through that very moment until you can think clearly again.

stilllearnin Tue 03-Jan-17 15:48:05

Sorry not cross post just didn't spot the update.

donajimena Tue 03-Jan-17 15:50:58

These are the types of messages I receive from my ex.
I know its easy to say don't let it upset you but you have to not let it upset you. Don't engage. Ignore.
I see you have blocked him anyway so I hope that resolves the immediate issue.
Women's aid might still be a good idea. I had a lot of help from them and I did explain that I wasn't in immediate danger so I had an appointment with them.
They really do help you see that this is not your fault and you don't have to try and defend yourself against his warped opinion of you.

DameDeDoubtance Tue 03-Jan-17 15:56:01

I had an ex like this, they are truly mentally ill and utterly deluded. Avoid all future contact with him.

sunshinejustshowsthedustup Tue 03-Jan-17 15:56:19

stillearnin - thank you for your words & sorry that you have had to go through a similar experience. I know I shouldn't respond but as you probably know it is sometimes very difficult not to retaliate but hopefully I am getting there.

The 15 yo lives with his dad because he doesn't want him to be on his own. He is also given a huge amount of freedom that he wouldn't get if he lived with me. The eldest Dc lives with me. Not a situation I would ever have wanted but feel at nearly 16 at 18 they were able to make their own choices. This hurts enormously but he knows he is loved unconditionally.

joell75 Tue 03-Jan-17 15:59:51

OP, I've been living this for the last six years. It doesn't matter what I do, what I say...he always comes back with a reason why I'm evil, the worst mother in the world, and eventually I'm going to get what's coming to me. He's reported me to social services twice and the NSPCC. Nothing ever comes of it thank goodness as I explain what it's like to them, they speak to the children's therapist (yes, unsurprising, I know) and everyone can see what he is. I've tried to ignore it, but it's just so bloody UNJUST! Particularly when he's voicing it to anyone who will listen. I've realised that even though I should blank him entirely, I can't be a use somehow I still need to convince him that hes wrong. Problem is, you cant argue with that sort of lunacy. He'll never listen and never change his opinion. Tell you what, if you go NC...so will I! Keep your chin up and start growing some extra thick skin. You're going to need it. Oh, and don't do what I did a few years ago...and actually believe it! Yep, 20 epic emails a day detailing exactly how disgustingly evil you are to be "emotionally abusing" your kids can actually play with your mind to the point where you believe it. Took a lot of therapy to get past that. Look forward to a time when the kids are old enough to sort out their own relationship with him.

SandyY2K Tue 03-Jan-17 16:32:32

He isn't just abusive, he's delusional as well with that last message.

It seems he can move on with his life, but you aren't allowed to.

Perhaps his girlfriend is seeing what an idiot he is, hence he wasn't invited to the outing. Frogs like him don't change that easily.

You know you're a good mother. Let him shove the selfish phase of his life (every day so far), up his backside and leave you alone.

You've escaped him .... don't let him drag you down out of his delusional jealousy. You know you're a good mum, so don't let his cruel and spiteful words drag you down.

Simonneilsbeard Tue 03-Jan-17 16:41:04

Joell75
I was you! I had the abusive texts, the mind games, the social services calls. It went on for 5 years!
The worst of it was happening when I was still responding to his messages. It's so hard not to when he knew that attacking me as a mother was hitting right to the centre of some pretty deep seated insecurities. He managed to get under my skin that way.

Op this is what your ex is doing. Good for you for cutting off that communication.

Leatherboundanddown Tue 03-Jan-17 16:52:20

So sorry he has got to you OP. There is no truth in his awful words. I get the same from my ex too, less nowadays but if he finds out something about my life (usually from stalking me on the interent) then they ramp up again. When he found out I had a new relationship he sent very similar messages to these.

He will never change. The best thing you can do is NEVER respond. Keep a screenshot/record of every single message somewhere.

Take care.

Keremy Tue 03-Jan-17 17:00:51

Another one with a delusional exh who thinks he's the perfect father and I'm evil. Ignore ignore ignore!

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