Together 2.5 yrs, both divorced with 2 dcs each. Not living together but planned to and to marry.
Pros: matching sense of humour, good sex, really great with my DCs, kind, capable, good career, manly man, looked after me, loved me. In a calmer future with grown dcs, think we could have been really happy but:
Cons: lied to me early on and repeatedly about a past dalliance with local woman most of his friends had also hooked up with. It was before we were together, but I flew off the handle when he finally confessed, not because of the act itself as it was before he knew me, but I was so angry about him lying repeatedly to me, I lost my temper. Nothing awful, but boy did I shout! So apparently I have anger issues. Repeatedly made plans to come to mine but then ended up at the pub instead. Promised not to join in the occasional drug-taking with his friends that I said was a deal-breaker for me, but then failed and lied about it (apparently because I have anger issues, that’s why he has to lie). Would not tell me in advance if he planned to come here on his child-free nights, so I was always left hanging – that felt controlling. He would just turn up if he felt like it, with no communication with me about it – it felt really disrespectful to me, him being so flakey but he just painted it as flexibility. Wanted to dictate things like whether the kids have to clear their plates or not, where my dog should sleep, how much we should spend on the DCs for Xmas. Insisted that I attend his massive family parties, which I did even though I have social anxiety and found them torturous. Latest one he ditched me at the door and the host thought I was a random off the street! Most recently organized his DC’s birthday over the top of pre-arranged plans for my DM’s birthday, even though we had checked calendars and worked out a plan so as not to clash. Ok I know kids come first, but it was so easy to NOT clash. He rearranged it based on his exW’s needs, didn’t discuss with me at all, so again, me left hanging. It so often felt lacking in respect for me, and this was one time too many. And he couldn't see it. Just couldn't see that he should have discussed with me, worked as a team. As a proper couple. Even if it still ended up clashing, surely to show respect for me as his SO was not too much to ask? That was when I ended it.
Also he can never admit when he's wrong, ALWAYS gives me tit for tat diversion tactics, fires back with something he's unhappy about instead of discussing any issue I raise. He only has a couple of examples of times when I've put my dc before him but throws them at me every time I ask for a bit more respect as a person in my own right, instead of an extension of him. Even weeks after the birthday debacle, I asked him 5 times straight on text, did he even consider discussing with me before rearranging our plans. He never answered me. Just kept thinking up things to throw back at me.
BUT we were planning to live together, get married, get all our DCs into the same school, etc etc. I could have worked part-time, had a more stable home life, go on holidays, not be watching every penny, and not be lonely.
Now I’m early forties, single parent again, horrible exH making life harder for me, and lonely. I was really happy for the most part, but so many issues every few weeks, this last one was the final straw for me. But should I have been more flexible? Should I have just taken the rough with the smooth?
I felt like maybe I'm asking too much and will never get it, and am cutting my nose off to spite my face
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Have I done the right thing in walking away?
RightThing · 03/01/2017 12:15
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