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Have I done the right thing in walking away?

(28 Posts)
RightThing Tue 03-Jan-17 12:15:18

Together 2.5 yrs, both divorced with 2 dcs each. Not living together but planned to and to marry.

Pros: matching sense of humour, good sex, really great with my DCs, kind, capable, good career, manly man, looked after me, loved me. In a calmer future with grown dcs, think we could have been really happy but:

Cons: lied to me early on and repeatedly about a past dalliance with local woman most of his friends had also hooked up with. It was before we were together, but I flew off the handle when he finally confessed, not because of the act itself as it was before he knew me, but I was so angry about him lying repeatedly to me, I lost my temper. Nothing awful, but boy did I shout! So apparently I have anger issues. Repeatedly made plans to come to mine but then ended up at the pub instead. Promised not to join in the occasional drug-taking with his friends that I said was a deal-breaker for me, but then failed and lied about it (apparently because I have anger issues, that’s why he has to lie). Would not tell me in advance if he planned to come here on his child-free nights, so I was always left hanging – that felt controlling. He would just turn up if he felt like it, with no communication with me about it – it felt really disrespectful to me, him being so flakey but he just painted it as flexibility. Wanted to dictate things like whether the kids have to clear their plates or not, where my dog should sleep, how much we should spend on the DCs for Xmas. Insisted that I attend his massive family parties, which I did even though I have social anxiety and found them torturous. Latest one he ditched me at the door and the host thought I was a random off the street! Most recently organized his DC’s birthday over the top of pre-arranged plans for my DM’s birthday, even though we had checked calendars and worked out a plan so as not to clash. Ok I know kids come first, but it was so easy to NOT clash. He rearranged it based on his exW’s needs, didn’t discuss with me at all, so again, me left hanging. It so often felt lacking in respect for me, and this was one time too many. And he couldn't see it. Just couldn't see that he should have discussed with me, worked as a team. As a proper couple. Even if it still ended up clashing, surely to show respect for me as his SO was not too much to ask? That was when I ended it.

Also he can never admit when he's wrong, ALWAYS gives me tit for tat diversion tactics, fires back with something he's unhappy about instead of discussing any issue I raise. He only has a couple of examples of times when I've put my dc before him but throws them at me every time I ask for a bit more respect as a person in my own right, instead of an extension of him. Even weeks after the birthday debacle, I asked him 5 times straight on text, did he even consider discussing with me before rearranging our plans. He never answered me. Just kept thinking up things to throw back at me.

BUT we were planning to live together, get married, get all our DCs into the same school, etc etc. I could have worked part-time, had a more stable home life, go on holidays, not be watching every penny, and not be lonely.
Now I’m early forties, single parent again, horrible exH making life harder for me, and lonely. I was really happy for the most part, but so many issues every few weeks, this last one was the final straw for me. But should I have been more flexible? Should I have just taken the rough with the smooth?

I felt like maybe I'm asking too much and will never get it, and am cutting my nose off to spite my face envysad

lovelearning Tue 03-Jan-17 12:19:29

Have I done the right thing in walking away?

Yes

RightThing

I wish you and your children a Happy 2017

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 03-Jan-17 12:21:15

No. You did the right thing. Imagine how much more controlling he would be if you lived together...

TheNaze73 Tue 03-Jan-17 12:21:58

Totally the right thing.

You're the prize, don't accept below average. I think you start to see things between 2-3 years into a relationship, when the lust smog fades & reality bites. Well done on biding your time & good luck flowers

Buggeritimgettingup Tue 03-Jan-17 12:22:13

Just look at the length of your pros v your cons.....

Totally did the right thing.

New year new start.

Simonneilsbeard Tue 03-Jan-17 12:23:22

Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. No doubt about it.
Wishing you well in 2017!

Laylajoh Tue 03-Jan-17 12:25:34

Don't fool yourself - you have every right to ask for what you want and walk away when you don't get it.

FatOldBag Tue 03-Jan-17 12:30:10

Yes you did the right thing. Whenever you're doubting it, read your OP again. Good riddance!

GTS Tue 03-Jan-17 12:37:49

woah sounds like you absolutely dodged a bullet there! Don't let being lonely or broke cloud your judgement. You are right and you know it deep down. Well done for walking away, it's not always easy but it's important to recognise the early warning signs, which you did. Wishing you a healthy and happy 2017!

Cricrichan Tue 03-Jan-17 12:45:21

Absolutely did the right thing.

debbs77 Tue 03-Jan-17 12:49:37

You definitely did! And I hate it when you ask them a question and they avoid answering it!

You're fab, don't you forget it!

ScarlettSahara Tue 03-Jan-17 12:55:11

From what you have posted I would say you were right.
It can feel scary and daunting to leave a relationship but you have a right to be treated with respect and valued.
He does sound controlling and I think in a relationship there are times when you need to put your partner first - doesn't sound as though he does that & I would be unhappy with being lied to as well.
Hope you have some happier times in 2017 flowers

RightThing Tue 03-Jan-17 12:55:55

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I know you're right! Its a shame as we were happy when none of these issues were present.

But life is full of issues and I just felt so disposable when things got tough. He didn't see it that way at all though, so it made we wonder if I was asking too much.

I don't want to be the prize that nobody is good enough to win! It's so hard to know what I should just accept and what I should stand up and say no to.

I really don't want to be alone forever. I have a long-term health condition and just keep thinking about being alone in later life sad

RightThing Tue 03-Jan-17 12:56:39

Fatoldbag you're right, I need to keep re-reading my OP!

BillericayDuckie Tue 03-Jan-17 15:12:45

From reading your OP you have definitely done the right thing. I know how easy it is to dwell on the good parts of the relationship you have left though.

I am in similar situation - things between me and my XP were great at the beginning, but gradually various issues raised themselves, mainly with combining both our DC's into one family (we have none together). He withdrew into himself and started drinking more and became abusive when drunk. So it ended and my DC's and I moved out in October.

I still look back with sadness at what I have lost - not just a lover and best friend, but a great lifestyle, lovely house, nice cars, several holidays a year. I had my life planned in a good location, my children were due to go to good schools there.

Instead I have since moved to a cheaper area, drive a borrowed car and struggle to pay the bills every month.

He has started a new relationship and they got engaged over Christmas, so someone else is stepping into my old lifestyle!

BUT - I am trying to remind myself of his bad points, of his addictive personality, of his bad temper and controlling nature. I no longer have to walk on eggshells.

Material things aside, I know I am better off without him.

Wishing you all the best in building a new life for you and your DC's.

SandyY2K Tue 03-Jan-17 15:24:07

Did you do the right thing?

Yes, yes and yes again.

Happy new year to you.

BonnyScotland Tue 03-Jan-17 15:29:35

I felt my anxiety levels increase just reading your Cons.... Darn right you did the right thing... do not look back Lady x

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 03-Jan-17 15:35:33

You absolutely did the right thing in walking away from him. He has more red flags about him than a Communist Party committee meeting.

Do not go back under any circumstances.

Ellisandra Tue 03-Jan-17 16:10:03

He sounds absolutely awful.
WTF even is a "manly man" and how does that get into a pro list?

And you should never ever ever put being able to work part time on your pro list, because money should never be a pro - there is no amount of money in th world that makes being with someone who treats you shittily worth being with.

Well done on ending it!

Ellisandra Tue 03-Jan-17 16:13:56

And you're wrong about a calmer future with no DCs...
Most of your cons had nothing to do with the presence or otherwise of young children, and everything to do with his personality.

Never able to admit when he's wrong?
Yeah, that'll change when his youngest is 18 hmm

You have utterly dodged a bullet there.

timelytess Tue 03-Jan-17 16:14:46

Oh yes, you did the right thing.

Birthdaypartyangstiness Tue 03-Jan-17 16:19:51

That just sound so hard. He sounds like one of those men who have women in a particular box, there to please them, when they want you, when you are a convenient addition to their lives. They dont really hear or listen to what you say because they categorise any discussion as nagging, a minor irritation to endure or bat away. They dont treat their male friends like that, no, they make proper arrangements and keep to them and have actual two way discussions. No matter how good it feels when it's you two together, the rest of their behaviour shows how far down the list you come.

It's the antithesis of partnership.

Be glad you dodged the bullet. In future trust yourself and judge a partner on their actions, since the words are easier to fake.

Millymollymanatee Tue 03-Jan-17 16:26:40

Very well done on walking away from this. flowers

RightThing Tue 03-Jan-17 19:55:16

Thanks all for the words of encouragement. Even just writing the OP I asked myself why I was even questioning it, but it's hard when you had it all plotted out with someone who had good as well as bad points.

billericay it's like you said, hard to let go of the good times. I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. Wishing all the best for you in 2017.

Birthday yes it's exactly that, in a box. I even said that to him on many occasions but he couldn't see my point. Probably because he didn't listen. Then he'd have a go at me for going on or getting angry, but it was all frustration at not ever feeling like I was heard. I felt I had to fight so hard from within my box to be considered an equal, valuable part of things. Ugh.

By 'manly man' I just meant not a manchild. Resident dcs and own business, so he was capable IYSWIM. I liked that about him a lot. At first it was a really attractive quality that he was very much in charge of his world. But unfortunately it seemed to extend to being in charge of me too. I wouldn't have minded having someone else take the reins some of the time as it's exhausting being a single full-time parent, but it should have been respectful and helpful, not a dictatorship.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 03-Jan-17 20:06:45

Yes you did the right thing in leaving.

You did the wrong thing when you stayed the second time you had to ask him to treat you with respect. You did the wrong thing when you didn't leave him when he said he had to lie because of your "anger issues". You did the wrong thing when you didn't leave him when he did the supposedly deal breaking drugs. I can't be bothered writing all the others out.

I hope you are looking back and seeing how many red flags and already deal breaking behaviours you were accepting even as you talked about marriage.

Good for you for breaking free sooner this time.

Next time you'll waste even less time on a bloke who is a tit thus massively increasing your chances of meeting a good one.

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