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Does the guilt ever go?

(53 Posts)
WynterBlossom Tue 03-Jan-17 11:13:43

Hey, so you all probably know me by now & probably hugely bored of me and my story! I don't blame you....however I come on here for the upfront and honest answers.

Anyways now I've established I am probably a nause to most on here, here's my issue!

Every time I do anything for my unborn baby, either buy things, go to appointments or anything solely to do with him. I leave crying because I feel nothing but guilt that his father isn't there to share it & wont be there when he's born & will miss all his "firsts" & milestones.

Will this feeling ease over time??

His father left 8 weeks ago Thursday, haven't heard from him since, he put all the apps and times in his phone so is fully aware but just never turned up, yet I'm the one left feeling guilty to my baby that his dad is a wanker!

Please please tell me il stop feeling like this, I can't cope with it

ricecrispies16 Tue 03-Jan-17 11:18:18

You shouldn't feel guilty. It's not your fault his dads a prize twat. You should feel proud at keeping it together and doing everything you can for the baby. There is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about, if anything this will just make you a stronger person and your baby will grow up knowing you were there when his dad wasn't.

jeaux90 Tue 03-Jan-17 12:03:46

It will ease. I'm a single mum to a 7 year old dd.

I used to find some of the "firsts" upsetting but over time they ease. I think last time a got upset she was about 3 that I was on my own and she didn't have a dad, it was a nursery performance.

Now I just feel like a champion for doing this on my own. You are brave and strong and can do this. You will be your dc's shero grin

Big hug xx

WynterBlossom Tue 03-Jan-17 13:04:48

I guess I'm angry at the fact he's met someone else already & I know he will start telling her he wants a family with her & this time actually stick around.

I'm so bloody angry on behalf of my son....that his father spouted absolutely shite about giving our son a chance at a proper family & now he's fucked off with someone else & hasn't been in contact.

Angleshades Tue 03-Jan-17 13:36:27

As long as you're the best mum you can be to your baby then you'll both be fine. Don't feel guilty on behalf of the deadbeat dad, that's his job. Concentrate on the wonderful bond you're going to have with your baby and the wonderful life you'll create for the two of you. Don't let your ex ruin this special time for you.

BoxingHelena Tue 03-Jan-17 14:35:36

nope, the guilt (about a wanker dad) will never go. There is always a new challenge as they grow up. Get support in place, for the long haul

SandyY2K Tue 03-Jan-17 14:43:26

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven't abandoned your child.

WynterBlossom Tue 03-Jan-17 14:57:40

Boxing, will I feel guilty & cry every time I look at his little face knowing his dad doesn't care??

I honestly cannot cope with feeling like this, every time I think about my baby, I honestly cry because I feel so genuinely guilty that his dad doesn't give a shit! Is this normal??

Atenco Tue 03-Jan-17 16:34:41

Why should you feel guilty for the actions of his father?

And if you had chosen a nicer man, it would not be this child who is being born but another one.
Many of us are the children of single parents and have grown up happy and content with our lot. Personally when I did finally get to know my father, I was really grateful that he hadn't been around during my childhood.

ReallyBloodyBoredNow Tue 03-Jan-17 18:26:11

My situation Wass slightly different, but the feelings of guilt that I felt were the same. My ds dad was in his life but was and mostly still is a shit dad. I spent alot of years trying to force him to be the father my ds deserved, told my ds alot of lies trying to protect him and wasted alot of energy feeling guilty that it was my fault my son had this terrible parent. One day a very wise woman pointed out to me that
1) I cannot make someone act the way they should
2) I am only responsible for the parent I choose to be not the parent he chooses to be
3) I was wasting the precious years of my sons life allowing this man (who really wasn't worth it) to make me bitter and guilt ridden.
Once I accepted that and stopped blaming myself for what we're in fact my ex's mistakes my life (and my son) became alot happier.

WynterBlossom Tue 03-Jan-17 19:29:16

I am absolutely desperate to stop feeling like this, I feel like a horrible person for giving him such a shit dad, one who is clearly going to have more children & actually be in their lives.

I don't want to hinder my sons life because of my guilt, it sounds silly to be upset at every milestone because of his dad yet not being happy as his mum because of what he's achieving.

It just baffles me that we planned this baby together, he cried at the first scan & now interest nothing....why do I care??

I just want to punch myself in the face!

SandyY2K Tue 03-Jan-17 19:55:03

In life you can only control your own actions and behaviour. You were not to know he'd turn out to be such a fool.

The best you can do is love your son and be the most loving mum you can.

It's his loss.

WynterBlossom Tue 03-Jan-17 21:57:51

Why do I feel like I'm the one losing out too??

The whole "family" thing, him helping out when he got home from work, being able to witness my son daddy...crawling to him for the first time, taking his first steps.

Is it affecting me more 1 because I'm hormonal & 2 because I'd be absolutely devastated if it was me missing out on those things above?? Am I simply basing this all on how I'd feel if I didn't see my son??

Oh I do hope that's what it is

Atenco Wed 04-Jan-17 02:32:46

This is all very new for you, OP, and a hard thing to go through while pregnant.

Your child will be fine. The fact is that your child will be happy when you are happy. If you treat something as normal, so will your child.

jeaux90 Wed 04-Jan-17 05:35:10

I know this seems impossible now but I forgave (in my head) my dd's father.

This wasn't a quick process but it's what's enabled me to truly move on and just focus on the important things. Eventually you have to let go of the mourning for what should or could have been. Xx

Daisychain2017 Wed 04-Jan-17 06:09:06

The baby is in your tummy now and doesn't know or care if he's coming to appointments or shopping for it - right now he's as happy as Larry had blissfully unaware that anything is wrong. He doesn't need his dad in your tum! So stop feeling guilty for this deadbeat and realise your baby is blissfully content because all he needs is you. Tbh this will continue when it comes out - he'll just assume the world is the way it is and be happy if he's loved and content. You however need a but of looking after because you are loosing out now and will when it's born from the shared experience/support etc. stop thinking about that loser - it'll be his loss not yours or the baby's in the end-and find yourself some good support to pull round you - family and friends and single mum groups to go through what will be an amazing experience with you.

brittanyfairies Wed 04-Jan-17 06:18:21

My DCs father walked out on us four years ago, he plays happy families with his girlfriend's children and all the time my children see this it breaks their hearts. He's seen one of mine for a day this year and the other one for six days. Your ex partner has done you and your unborn child a favor by leaving now, your child will only know love from a parent - you. They will never feel that feeling of loss and abandonment and they will never question if it was something they did.

Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your baby, don't feel guilty because he's a twat (ex not the baby obviously). At the end of the day the loss is all his and you will have the love of your child which Will be incredible. You ans your baby are thé winners in this

loulou1626 Wed 04-Jan-17 07:23:19

Oh OP: I've been exactly where you are, and I can tell you, eleven weeks in, you really do start to feel better. When my ex left during my (planned) pregnancy, my whole world fell apart and I never thought I'd recover. Like you, I seriously struggled over the loss of what was 'supposed to be' in terms of a family unit, raising our child together, my son having a dad, losing the man I loved etc and to be honest, I did still feel horribly upset over it for the first two or three weeks after the birth, but now I know for sure that if my ex ever did show his face I'd beat him off with a large stick, a huge contrast to how I felt during my pregnancy when I was still desperately wanting him to be around. It does still get to me sometimes and I do have my weaker moments, but the fact is, I realised that if he, and his family, can live seemingly guilt free over him not even acknowledging he has a son in favour of having a nice cushy life with his girlfriend then that's definitely something I do not want around my son and in time, I believe you'll feel that too and trust me, that sense of outrage and desire to be the very best mum you can in the face of that outrage will eventually far outweigh the guilt you feel.

It really isn't your fault and your baby, and you, will be absolutely fine. Have you got good support? Never underestimate the love of your family and friends; mine have been incredible and I can sincerely say my little boy is one of the happiest and contented babies out there and that's without a dad that I think would have been lousy either way. You and your baby haven't lost anything but dead weight and I bet you'll have a wonderful life together! You will be more than fine flowers

niceupthedance Wed 04-Jan-17 08:31:41

I think it's hormones. My son's father was a loser and only came to appointments because he was worried I'd write something about the baby on his Facebook otherwise <bellend emoticon>.
I felt upset until a few months after the birth and then realised I'd wasted a lot of time and energy thinking about him when I could have been relaxing and enjoying my pregnancy.

WynterBlossom Wed 04-Jan-17 10:23:33

Thank you all, with all that has gone on these last 7 weeks, I can honestly say I feel I have bloody whiplash!

I honestly feel like all of this has changed my life & me completely. I definitely am not the same person I was only a year ago.

I've so much support in my life I honestly appreciate it all. It's just hard to know what to do with my life now it's changed. I didn't plan any of this bar having my baby & now I feel so lost in life, I just feel like I'm going through the motions, not actually living.

WynterBlossom Wed 04-Jan-17 10:53:33

My ex called the police for harassment because he thought I'd tell his new gf about the baby as he hasn't bothered!

Bad luck buddy! I don't think he realises that when they get serious, he'll have a hard time explaining why £200 a month leaves his account.

Immature me wants to message her when the baby comes to congratulate her on becoming a step mum however I know that'll change when my baby actually arrives.

I guess childishly I want to cause him as much grief as he caused me....hopefully over time that feeling will go.

loulou1626 Wed 04-Jan-17 11:26:29

It won't necessarily go but you will reach a point where you know it's not worth the effort and, really, you just can't be bothered! I let myself have the odd vindictive thought or picture what I would say if I ever had the chance to but really it's just wasted energy because even if you had the chance, it really isn't worth it and wouldn't have the desired impact because for that to happen, he'd have to be a decent person, and he's not. The resentment does flare up from time to time and I get the strong urge to just scream (in his face whenever I picture actually doing it) but I just try to channel it into doing something productive for me and my son.

It's very raw for you right now so it's understandable for you to be feeling as you do, but please don't let it spoil your pregnancy like it did mine, I wish I had enjoyed it more and I'll never get that back so try not to let the same happen to you. It really is a matter of time; you'll just wake up one day and realise that all the fleeting moments where you thought 'screw him' will have amounted into 'no, seriously, screw him!' and you'll just get on with your life. There's no bigger source of motivation than a baby and while it may not be easy, you will find the strength to make your life how you want it to be. Again, these are things I'd never thought I'd say or feel so trust me, it will be okay.

WynterBlossom Wed 04-Jan-17 14:16:34

It's just so difficult, my life feels so bleak right now, I planned this baby with him, at no point did I put a plan together just in case he walked from me.

We planned our lives together, talking about being a mum and dad, being grandparents & so on....I honestly feel so numb, like I've nothing to actually live for.....some days that feeling becomes stronger and I actually picture myself ending it all.

I've never felt depression like this, it's horrendous & to top it off, I feel guilty on his behalf! Wtf is wrong with me??

loulou1626 Wed 04-Jan-17 16:09:18

Nothing is 'wrong' with you. You're just mourning the loss of what you had and what you thought you would have. Believe me, I felt all of what you do and sometimes it was such a struggle to even get out of bed; even thinking back to those days just makes me shudder at how bleak they felt but I promise you, it will get better! I understand about feeling the guilt on his behalf but, at the end of the day, if he doesn't feel it himself it's just a waste of energy. I know it's hard, I still feel it sometimes too, but eventually it does ease.

You need to get productive, do things for yourself while you can, try to enjoy looking forward to meeting your baby and becoming a mother. It's okay to grieve but you can't let your life be dominated by some asshole who isn't worth it.

Look, I lost a flat I loved and had to move back home, my dog, the future I thought I had and thought my life was over but it isn't, it really isn't. It isn't perfect but it's good; I'm enjoying spending time with my son, I've now got the potential to put a deposit down on a house later in the year, I have great support and people who love me and my baby while my ex, like yours, will always be a deadbeat dad no matter what he does to try and escape that fact, that's what he'll always be and you really are better off without him. Your baby deserves a mother who would do whatever it takes to provide a happy life for you both so that's what you need to do. You WILL get through this.

WynterBlossom Wed 04-Jan-17 16:54:19

The only thing that keeps me alive is the small bit of hope I have & that is the fact that yes I feel down & hopeless now but eventually I will move on & build a life for myself & just maybe meet someone who will love me the way I am capable of loving.

I am receiving therapy for all of this, I haven't ever dealt with being pregnant & dropped out of someone's life like that before, although heartbreak isn't new to me, this genuinely callousness is!

I will hate him for as long as I live (no I won't, il hate him for now until I fully move on).
I've never been so emotional in my life so I know the pregnancy is adding to it most.
I also struggle with the obsessive thoughts, I am attempting to do hypnosis each night to alleviate some of the stress.

Oh I can't wait for the day I can post on here and say "I am totally over that time in my life & haven't thought about it for weeks/months".

Thank you for your words guys, honestly helps so much!

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