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Fed up of having to give in

(17 Posts)
Notashappyaslarry Mon 02-Jan-17 23:46:29

Need advice on how to pretend that everything is ok when its not as running out of patience. I feel like I am not me anymore as I am always second guessing what DP will say / do and whatever he says goes. I'm not saying that he tells me what to do directly because he doesnt but he controls mine and the kids environment and what we can do or buy etc. He ruined Xmas because I upset him so he changed all our plans which upset me and my family but now a week later I'm expected to forget about it as if it never happened and just carry on as normal whatever that is. I dread going to bed if he is still awake as I will have to do my 'wife duties' and then carry on as normal.
I am currently on my second lot of CBT and also had counselling but he doesnt really know this as he doesnt like talking about things or feelings. I've been prescribed anti-depressents twice but havent taken them as I think that will give me more problems, he does know this but doesnt want to know why I might need them.
I feel like I am living a double life, a happy smiley person when I am out and sad and cautious when I am at home and I dont know how I can continue like this for the next 10 years or so till my children are older.
I'm stuggling to forget all the things that have happened in the past but know that i have to forgive him.

pinkyredrose Mon 02-Jan-17 23:51:05

You don't have to forgive him. You can be happy. This isn't a life it's an existence. He's very abusive. Please look into leaving. Your children deserve a happy mother.

jeaux90 Mon 02-Jan-17 23:55:49

You have one life. This isn't a rehearsal. Why are you still with him? Believe me, being a single parent is way better than being in an abusive relationship. Any. Day. Xxxx

Notashappyaslarry Tue 03-Jan-17 00:03:55

I am still with him because he will fight to get the children as he knows this is the most important thing to me and because 1 of our children doesnt really like him and they would have to go and stay with him and this could be mentally damaging to them as I wouldnt be there to interveen.

0dfod Tue 03-Jan-17 00:08:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod Tue 03-Jan-17 00:09:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notashappyaslarry Tue 03-Jan-17 00:21:34

I've tried to ring them for advice a few times but can never get through to them but will try again.
I know he is not paying for anything for me but its not really fair that he has to pay for everything else is it?

jeaux90 Tue 03-Jan-17 00:33:01

They always threaten that. They are full of shit. How old are the children?

Notashappyaslarry Tue 03-Jan-17 00:46:59

Eldest is 9 and has additional needs that he doesnt 'get' so they clash, younger is fine

jeaux90 Tue 03-Jan-17 00:53:39

Ok there is a lot of information about custody, who does the majority of current care etc and you know the court will take consideration of a child's choice but usually they are 11 or so.

If you do seriously want to split then go get your free consultation with a solicitor as it might put your mind at rest about some of your concerns.


Simonneilsbeard Tue 03-Jan-17 01:01:13

Op I feel for you ..that was my life roughly 6 years ago. He threatened to take my children away too. But ultimately he didn't succeed because he didn't want the responsibility of them he just wanted to hurt me.
You don't need to live like that. Please keep trying to contact women's aid.

Stormtreader Thu 05-Jan-17 12:29:59

As the saying goes: "before you diagnose yourself with mental health problems, first check you are not surrounded by twats".

It really sounds like you may find you wont need ADs if you can just ditch this guy and stop having him bring you down.

Wolfiefan Thu 05-Jan-17 12:33:16

Wifely duties? Are you saying he makes you have sex if you don't want to? That's rape.
You don't have to forgive anything? What do you think he needs forgiving for?

Skang Thu 05-Jan-17 12:38:08

Why do you think he would get the children?

pallasathena Thu 05-Jan-17 15:10:57

You need to get out of this relationship. Its making you ill for heavens sake! Just think what its doing to your children who will pick up on all the atmospheres, tensions and upsets no matter how hard you try to hide them.
As for worrying about him getting partial access, is he the type who can cope with looking after children? I don't think you should worry too much about that aspect because if a child with additional needs refuses to go and stay with him then the courts would accept that if you offered to take him to meet your ex at a supervised family centre.
You can get out of this horrible relationship and you need to put yourself and your children first now.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 15:18:00

I really do feel for your children here.
He is abusing you and he is abusing his children.
Only YOU can put a stop to it.
Only YOU can stop this awful cycle.
What did you learn growing up that you are prepared to put up with this?
Keep trying Womens Aid.
Send them an email as well and they will call you back within a few days.
This sounds horrendous.
Do you work?
Full time?
Do you have somewhere you could go to?
Parents? Family? Friends?
You need out and away asap!!!

gamerchick Thu 05-Jan-17 15:23:22

They always threaten to take the kids... always! It's just a means to keep you in line as that's always our fears.

Rarely happens. Yes they may make your life hell for a while but time passes, they meet someone else, they lose interest etc.

But I've never met someone who isn't infinitely happier despite that when they've finally got rid.

You need a plan, just a plan for now. You can free yourself.

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