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How to respond or possibly not respond

(45 Posts)
chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 21:35:19

I was seeing a man on a casual basis friends with benefits type thing but neither of us were sleeping with anyone else-well that's what he assured me.
I have since found out that he has another Fwb he was seeing at the same time and also went on holiday with her.
I was just going to not bother contacting him and quietly delete him from Facebook but he has now sent me a message asking how my new year was etc.
He doesn't know I know.
Should I just continue to ignore him or respond in some way?
I really want to keep the small bit of dignity I have left in this situation as I think he has taken me for a fool that's why I am asking

SparklyMagpie Mon 02-Jan-17 21:36:34

Ignore and block!

BonnyScotland Mon 02-Jan-17 21:43:33

AAww no... I'm sorry this has turned out not to be as ideal as first thought.... although the point of a FWB is that there are no emotions involved and everyone is a free agent.... when those emotions begin to creep in.. that's when the problems start.. this guy wasn't committed to you... he wasn't your boyfriend... you need to start thinking about you... forget him.. ignore the messages.... don't necessarily delete him... but just stop responding.... your dignity is in tact... you did the right thing... walk away lovely

chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 21:46:19

That's my first thought. Just not respond then maybe delete him in a couple of weeks. Saying something would give him chance to make me feel even more foolish I think

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:48:47

Ignore, delete and block as quickly and quietly as possible. flowers though, what a sucky thing to do.

chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 21:52:13

He was sleeping with this other friend before we started. That would have been useful info to let me have wouldn't it

HeddaGarbled Mon 02-Jan-17 21:54:36

How about just telling him that you don't want to see him any more? "It's been fun but it isn't working for me, sorry". Don't get dragged into any further explanations. If he asks, just repeat "sorry, it's just not working for me". That way you keep your dignity whilst still being mature enough to break it off decently rather than just ghosting and blocking him. Plus, it'll piss him off to be dumped smile

Steamgirl Mon 02-Jan-17 21:55:42

FWB means there's no commitment but you're each free to explore other potential relationships. That's what he has done, albeit whilst pretending he has been exclusive, so you're right to walk away. Well done you. You could just be very cool and say your new year has been great thanks, you're ready to move on and upwards in 2017, and you don't think the FWB thing is suiting you any more though it was nice while it lasted. Dignity intact.

ferriswheel Mon 02-Jan-17 21:56:41

I think I would reply in a low key way and then keep my distance. I wouldn't block him because I wouldn't want him to think I was bothered.

Bluntness100 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:59:27

I'm honestly not sure of the whole scenario, you say you were casual friends who basically had sex. So either of you should have been free to see other people and as long as you used protection ( you did use protection ) then there was no further commitment . But he lied to you about seeing other people...why? Did he feel it was more than casual sex to you? Your reaction would indicate that to be the case.

In that instance, then yes, I think you should end it, because it's not casual friends with benefits to you, you want him to be exclusive to you and you're already hurt that he's not.

chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 22:04:13

He did know that I liked him so maybe that's why he didn't tell me which is a bit worse

BonnyScotland Mon 02-Jan-17 22:08:27

yes I agree ... don't delete him just yet... deleting him is a reaction... shows you cared enough to delete.. so don't...

OurMiracle1106 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:14:08

First of all I would go get yourself checked just to be on the safe side.

I would message back with new year was really good thank you. Hope yours was too. I've been thinking and i have decided not to see you anymore.

Bluntness100 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:36:49

Is he still seeing the other woman?

I guess you know, don't agree to this sort of relationship if you want more, it only works out in the movies. 😞

chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 23:16:29

Yeah he is still seeing her they just came back from a weeks holiday to Spain. He gave me the impression he was going alone for a hobby he does.
Think I will respond with something like

'I had a good new year thank you.This isn't working for me anymore,thank you for the walks and meals etc. Bye'

How's that?

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 02-Jan-17 23:28:02

Stop right there, No, No No you are treating him too nice and speaking to him like he is decent, he's not he's trying to take the piss out of you.

You need to big up your New Year I.e "I had a fabulous night with friends, I didn't get home until 6 the next morning and I still feel ill now".Leave it at that, if he comes back and try's to make arrangements to meet up say "No thanks, it was ok at the time, but it was becoming a bit monotonous for me, look after yourself.".Then delete him and block and move on.

chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 23:32:41

Yeah that does sound a bit too nice a message

TokenGinger Mon 02-Jan-17 23:41:29

I don't understand why advice is always to block and ignore. Maybe I'm just programmed differently, but I'd have to call him out on it.

I'd say my new year was great. I hear yours was spent in Spain with your other FWB. Speaking of which, now I'm aware of that fact, this is no longer working for me. Take care.


chasegirl Mon 02-Jan-17 23:49:49

Was tempted to let him know but think that would give him power (not quite the right word but the closest I can get) cos he will know he has hurt me then

TokenGinger Mon 02-Jan-17 23:51:59

I think I'd like to let him know that his actions affect people. If he has any type of conscience, it might make him think about doing it in the future.

I hate people like this. FWB or not, if he's assured you it's just the two of you, it's so wrong to sleep with others.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 23:56:11

he sounds a jackass, he knew you liked him, and he's going on holiday with the other one. He basically had two relationships but no obligation anywhere.

I would say ''this arrangement has reached a natural end. best wishes for 2017'

chasegirl Tue 03-Jan-17 00:02:39

Will have another try at writing a better message tomorrow after a good night's sleep

forumdonkey Tue 03-Jan-17 00:02:47

I'd say she was a gf if they're holidaying together. Personally I would and have walked without texting if I thought there was an OW but if you feel you need to let him know, just say it's not working for you any more. You're far better than being a second option. Fwb should be open and he should have had no problem saying who he was going away with you to give you the option to walk away. He's being secretive, not good.

0dfod Tue 03-Jan-17 00:04:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Tue 03-Jan-17 00:16:25

I agree with the others that there is no romantic emotional attachment with an FWB. They don't even need to be 'exclusive', in fact the appeal is largely that they're not. But if you'd both agreed to be exclusive, then that is different.

But honestly and truthfulness are an important component of any friend, so he has reneged on the F part of the arrangement, if nothing else.

So, I think I'd send something like:

"Understand you have another FWB. Don't have anything to do with liars. Our arrangement is over."

And leave it at that. He will respond. That's when you ignore.

However, you made a mistake in getting involved in an FWB arrangement with someone you 'liked'.

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