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Need to rant

(5 Posts)
user1483390328 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:24:34

Hi ladies

Sorry I just really need to vent right now...

I'm Louise, about to turn 30 and I have two beautiful children aged 1 & 7.

Been with DH 10 years married 8.

Things right now are just so awful...

The first few years were hell, I won't go into it but he's lucky I stood by him. When DD1 was born things were great.

We had our ups and downs (I had PPD after DD1 for a year which manifested as anxiety, I put DH through hell) but things were good. I was broody but DH was adamant one child was enough.

Fast forward to 2013 and we agree to have another child. He isn't keen but agrees that it's not his sole decision to decide that I'm done having children, and it would be good for DD to have a sibling. He promises he will love and want the child. I fall pregnant, DD2 is born in 2015.

Shortly after DD2 is born, DH gets a new work colleague. (It's a very small company with just DH and this guy). This guy is in his 20s, living with his mum, no kids or wife. Baring in mind I almost died giving birth and DD was born not breathing (needing 25 mins of help!) this bloke asks DH to go on a night out. DH says no...

and then it all begins. DH goes from a home loving man who never ever goes out and rarely drinks, to a nasty selfish idiot verging on alcoholism. He rolled in at 6am on his first night out (I was up with DD who was 4 months old, thinking he was dead!) and doesn't apologise. He'd told me he was going to the local pub for a few!

We get over that and then he discovers I've been telling lies and we're in a lot of debt. In my defence every single penny went on food and clothes etc for the kids, absolutely nothing for me, and he wasn't bothered about the debt, more about the lies.

The neighbours hear him yelling and call the police, who arrive and refer to social services. My worst nightmare. Social services quiz us, DD1 and her school, DD2's health visitor etc and tell us they will take it further if they get any more referrals. DH blames it all on me, despite the fact the neighbour only called because she heard HIM yelling and smashing stuff up.

This was a year ago and over the past year he has gone out at least 16 times but denies going more than twice. He's rolled in around 2.30am drunk with no explanation of why so late when the pubs shut by 12 and is down the road. He's started drinking more and more at home. He's going to the pub some lunch times and also after work quite often.

I can tell as soon as he's had even one pint as he becomes a nasty person.

I've told him I think he has a drinking problem and he laughs in my face. He has stopped going out but who knows how long for, he seems to use any little argument as an excuse, he picks arguments so he can go..

His friend takes the p*ss out of me all the time and has no respect for the fact that DH has a family. He is selfish and expects DH to be the same as him. They recently worked away and spent the night drinking, not even one phone call to say night to the kids. It's like he forgets he has a family when he's with this bloke.

When he goes out he HAS to stay til closing and get drunk, he won't come home at a reasonable hour or let me know hes ok. He only stopped going because his friend is ruining our marriage. He puts his friend first all the time. Even on our 10 year anniversary he went out with his friend instead of me!! He's always texting him etc. its ridiculous, lucky I've met him or i'd suspect an affair it's that bad! Of course DH says he's just a colleague not a friend and says I'm mental about it, but since meeting him DH has completely changed. He used to rush home, now he goes to the pub if he finishes early, or even if he doesn't finish early. He doesn't think to come home and see his kids or help.

We don't do date nights, I tried but every time he just wanted to sit in the pub and get drunk then argue. I'm not interested in sitting there getting drunk all night, I want to see films, go for meals etc. So I gave up after trying 4 times. That's 4 times in 7 years!!! Other than that I have never ever had a break. Ever. Unlike DH who goes out whenever he likes!
All that aside, he does nothing with the kids. I get up at 6am every day, and he tells me it's my problem because I'm the one who wanted a baby so I shouldn't complain. He says he'd get up if I wake him up and tell him what he needs to do (he has no idea about their routine). Defeats the point of a lie in! He does no cooking or cleaning which I am ok with as I'm OCD. But he does nothing with the kids, literally nothing. He sits on the sofa watching tv all the time. I do every bath, bed, nappy etc. If I ask him to do a nappy he sighs and moans. He has no patience.

I told him exactly a year ago I wanted a divorce because he does nothing with the kids and treats me like crap and goes out on the lash all the time. He ignored me and decided I just didn't like him going out. He then started doing more with the kids but that only lasted a few months.

I'm just so fed up. Today is a prime example, I've been up all night with the kids as they were both ill, had less than 1 hour sleep but still up at 6am, terrible headache. He's sat on the sofa all day, yelled at the kids as when we popped to asda because he's in a mood, then sat on the sofa with 5 bottles of beer while I cooked a roast and did baths bed etc

He needs a kick up the arse but I don't know how. If I don't do everything it just won't be done. He already makes me feel not good enough despite me keeping the house spotless and doing everything. I don't work but he does, so I am made to feel lazy and worthless if I even sit down for half an hour.

We rarely have sex because I feel like he hates me and I am angry he never helps. He's selfish and lazy, the other week I was throwing up with food poisoning all night and he ignored me, left me to sort the baby all night. Unless he's in a good mood, he doesn't care. Even when he's in a good mood he doesn't help with kids but will at least comfort me a bit.

I have no family or friends nearby. I never ever go out, I always have the kids with me even to the doctors. I never ever lie in. Im with the kids 13 hours straight and then all night if needed. I can't explain how much I do but suffice to say DH has never touched a sponge or cooked a meal or anything ever. And If I stopped doing it, we'd live in a cess pit until I did it again.

Hes got no patience with the baby and shouts at her or leaves her crying if he thinks its stupid, like when she cries because I've gone to the toilet. My eldest doesn't like being with him because he won't play with her, just sticks the tv on and puts her shows on to keep her quiet.

He can be good in some ways, like he pretty much renovated the whole house, but in other ways I hate him. I'm not allowed to speak to the neighbour who called the police even though she apologised and we were friends before. I have to ignore her or DH goes mad. Which means every time I leave the house I have to check to make sure she's not around.

We are meant to be selling up and moving but I am wondering if I'd be a better mother and happier moving without him. Though he'd do his best to get the kids taken from me out of spite.

I feel like family life is too much for him, he''s settled down too quick. He's 31 btw.

TimeToChangeFor2017 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:28:58

He sounds awful - really selfish and nasty.

Why not list the advantages of being with him and the advantages of not being with him (not somewhere he will find it!) - I think you'll know what to do then.

jeaux90 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:32:24

Why are you staying married to him?

madgingermunchkin Mon 02-Jan-17 21:36:57

You need to leave him. It's not fair on your kids.

Although you were out of order in backing him into having another child.

CatBallou2 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:02:43

He's not being a good father or husband. Do you think that he would attend Alcoholics Anonymous? Think of yourself and your DC'S and the good life you deserve. Life's way too short to be so stressed out and unhappy.

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