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When is a red flag not a red flag?

(101 Posts)
namechange102 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:30:02

My OH over the years has done a number of things which are possible red flags, but he always seems to have a plausible excuse. I'm hitting mid-life crisis age right now, and feel totally taken for granted, as I've enabled his lovely career while killing off mine to look after the children. All the usual stuff, but I'm now wondering whether I've been taken for a mug all these years. Is OH just really thoughtless and stupid, or is he playing me for a fool and just doing what he wants while I sort out the mundane family life? Has anyone had these red flags in their lives, and they turned out to mean nothing?? Or are they actually relationships killers? What do you think??

5 years into the relationship, he goes off with the intention to shag some randomer at a work do, as 'men are supposed to have more partners than women'. Never sure if he did or not.

Writes to a woman he fancies while working away. Thinks about breaking up to hook up with this woman. She's not interested. Stays with me. Only found this out years later.

Caught looking up porn. Says he'll not look at it again. Ten years down the line, turns out he did! And lied about it when asked!

Looks up Tinder on GooglePlay. Because a friend met his wife on there.

Has looked at some woman's dating profile. Because he was curious.

Computer reckons he has logged out of an email account. Which he apparently has never used. Said email account has many permanently deleted emails, deleted just before he gets back after working away. None since.

'Forgets' to wear his wedding ring while socialising on work do's away from home.

Email spam from numerous dating/fuckbuddy etc sites.

Female colleague starts messaging him gossipy shit in the evenings. Tells her I am unhappy with it, despite agreeing with me at home that it feels inappropriate. Bad wife.

How many 'red flags' can you forgive before they're just taking the piss? Are these all believable individually?

Am thinking we need a serious talk about boundaries because I've just about reached the end of my tether. Any advice gratefully received!

LemonSqueezy0 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:33:56

He's waving a big, massive humongous red flag in your face. You must see it?!

namechange102 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:35:04

Yeah, but plausible denial every time....what do i do now?

TheNaze73 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:35:56

I think you could open a golf course, with the amount of flags waving here.

Wake up & smell the coffee

WTAFF Mon 02-Jan-17 15:35:58

It sounds like he is a walking red flag. flowers

Spam88 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:36:05

Err...he'd have been out after the first one if it was my DH.

TheCakes Mon 02-Jan-17 15:38:12

You decide what your standards are, but personally I think you, or any committed partner, deserves the bar to be higher than this.

Wellitwouldbenice Mon 02-Jan-17 15:38:55

This is.... almost hilarious...

KatharinaRosalie Mon 02-Jan-17 15:39:57 you count 'but men should have more partners ' as a plausible excuse for shagging someone else?

CatsGoPurrrr Mon 02-Jan-17 15:40:45

None of what you've written is plausible. You may have gone along with it, but plausible? Nope.

He tells you he's going to be unfaithful and you do.......nothing. For years.

A talk won't work. He doesn't care.


namechange102 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:41:38

Ok, so 20 years and two kids down the line,what now?

One of these things, plausible denied , could possibly be innocent, looking back, I'm amazed at the things I've accepted purely because I have no concrete evidence to go against his word.

Is it possible each of these are innocent in themselves, or does the sheer number of them (albeit over a long period of time) point to the fact that I'm a gullible fool?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 02-Jan-17 15:42:53

A talk re boundaries is too little and far too late. He does not care and this relationship was over years ago.

Why is your own relationship bar so very low in the first place?. What has kept you with him?

shakeyospeare Mon 02-Jan-17 15:43:09

LTB and he really is a bastard.

he's playing you for a fool.


namechange102 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:44:25

What?? When did he tell me he was going to be unfaithful??
He was trying to explain why he made that decision all those years ago. I don't agree with it, think it's pretty shit, but you can't deny ppl make decisions when they are younger that they wouldn't when they mature...

I think a big problematic part of it is that we've been together so long, we've had the shitty immature behaviour too....

ChicRock Mon 02-Jan-17 15:44:26

Yeah he's spent your whole relationship cheating on you, right under your nose, and you are a gullible fool. Harsh but true, sorry.

namechange102 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:48:31

Some of these must be real reasons, though, surely?


LemonSqueezy0 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:54:38

Leaving aside the (possible /alleged) cheating, think about how he, and his actions and choices along the way, make you feel. He treats you quite disrespectfully and you don't sound happy. Even if he hasn't cheated, is this relationship one you see lasting into your old age?!

TheNewSchmoo Mon 02-Jan-17 15:59:30

I cannot think any excuse would be plausible, I'm very much surprised you have to ask. He sounds utterly awful.

JennyHolzersGhost Mon 02-Jan-17 16:05:12

You know what, OP: you don't need evidence to break up a marriage. You're clearly not happy with him. That is a sufficient reason.
Even if every single one of these instances was completely and utterly innocent and he has been faithful to you for every minute of your relationship, you're STILL perfectly entitled to leave him as he's not making you happy anymore.
So please, don't waste your time agonising on what all these things might mean. Just leave him and make a new life for yourself.

AlabasterSnowball Mon 02-Jan-17 16:06:21

I think the first thing you need to do is get tested for STDs, he's been sleeping around for 20 years and I guess because he thinks you've given him the green light.
Personally I think you could do better but that's your choice

sarahnova69 Mon 02-Jan-17 16:10:49

Is it possible each of these are innocent in themselves, or does the sheer number of them (albeit over a long period of time) point to the fact that I'm a gullible fool?

No, it's not possible, and you should have realised that at the second incident. He is a lying cheating bastard and there's really nothing to do but... leave.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Mon 02-Jan-17 16:11:28

Oh my life. I'd have been gone years ago. Tbh I think that's the only thing you can do now. He's been taking the piss and laughing at you all these years and, for reasons best known only to you, you've bought every ridiculous excuse he's given you.

I am absolutely flabbergasted that you're even asking this.

For clarification, I found evidence that my exh had looked at a no strings sex site and I kicked him out on that and that alone. We'd been together for 12 years at that point. I had all the minimising, all the excuses... all bollocks. All of it.

jeaux90 Mon 02-Jan-17 16:11:37

Sorry OP but these are all massive red flags and I would be exiting that marriage before you could say philandering bastard.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Mon 02-Jan-17 16:12:01

You're a gullible fool.

namechange102 Mon 02-Jan-17 16:19:07

Surely someone else must have come across these in their own relationship before?? With an innocent explanation??

(And if I had all the explanation about the second incident at the time, I like to think I would have left...)

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