Craving Male Attention

[Minkii]

I am married but I have always craved male attention. I lost a lot of weight about 3 years ago (I gave up chocolate and exercised) I am flirty and funny and love attention. I know it is wrong so I do not need to be told off. I don't have any male friends who have not tested the waters with me. I have had all sorts of dalliances with men. Work colleagues, bosses, my husband's work colleagues, friends' husbands, men from POF, basically men I come across on a daily basis. Lots of men I think are happily married, the ones I think I'm safe with, that my flirty banter will just be a laugh to them, but then they change. I can see the moment it changes in their head, there's almost a loud popping noise as they realise I could do more than just smile and chat to them. I know I am sad, that my actions are wrong, but it is addictive. I have not ended any marriage, I stop before they suggest that, but a lot of them do fall. I am expecting a torrent of abuse, I get understand that, but am looking for answers, help. Have you been this woman and how did you sort yourself out? My Dad left when I was 8, not an excuse but of course that contributed. My friends think I'm out of control, that I am addicted to attention. I know that too. Thank you

[fruitbats]

By 'dalliances' do you mean affairs?

[Minkii]

Ranges from a couple of meets to affairs, yes

[fruitbats]

I think you should end your own marriage then you can find as many single men as you like to flirt/sleep with.

[Minkii]

That is what I am currently doing.

[Maudlinmaud]

Do you want to change?
Do you want to remain married?

[fruitbats]

There must be a reason that you feel the need to chase men. It sounds a bit desperate and sad to me. I don't believe that a father leaving is the cause for this behaviour. Many people grow up without a father but don't behave this way.

[Cynara]

I work with a woman like you. I think she behaves the way she does because she's insecure and needs validation, but she's created so many additional problems for herself because she has no professional credibility and she isn't respected. Do you think that your behaviour could be causing you more problems than it solves? Have you ever had counselling to get to the bottom of why you do this?

[Minkii]

I agree, it is desperate and sad. I also know that my father leaving is not an excuse.

[Minkii]

I have had counselling, yes.

[fruitbats]

Do you have any female friends? It must feel great to find that you can attract men having lost so much weight, but there are better ways to validate yourself than this.

[Maudlinmaud]

Where you like this prior to the weight loss?
Maybe you feel you missed out on the attention when you considered yourself bigger.

[Minkii]

I do have female friends. I talk to them honestly about this. They say I should try being on my own and that I do not need male attention. I know I don't need it but the feeling that I get when one is drawn in is such a rush. Addictive. I know it is wrong. It's like I've replaced binge eating with this feeling.

[monicabling]

Look up Histrionic Personality Disorder and see if it fits the bill. I had a friend when we were younger that used to act in a similar way, recently bumped into her and she told me she'd been diagnosed with HPD. Just a thought.

[fruitbats]

Having reread your fist post, you obviously don't value any friends, as you have listed their husbands amongst the males that you have had dalliances with. It can never end well if you are sleeping with bosses and work colleagues. I can't help or tell you what to do.
How was the counselling?

[Minkii]

I have always been flirty but hearing a man say I am sexy is like eating a whole box of malteasers, lovely at first then a bit sickly.

[Minkii]

I do value my friends. Was one friend's husband who I knew before she did and I ended it before it got out of control.

[ManonLescaut]

Ok so you've replaced one addiction for another. Why not try codependents anonymous? Free therapy.

Addiction to attention is always based in low self esteem. And maybe you have abandonment issues from your dad. If you work on that, you'll need the attention less.

[fruitbats]

But men (and women) lie. Some will say anything just to get what they want. It doesn't mean that you are sexy necessarily. Stop giving yourself away so cheaply.

[bowchikkawowwow]

Do you struggle to empathise with others? It sounds like you enjoy getting your kicks regardless of hurting others around you and the effect it will have on their lives.

[Minkii]

The counselling wasn't great. I don't think the counsellor was right for me and I didn't choose another

[fruitbats]

Just out of interest, do you have children?

[ManonLescaut]

Sounds like you haven't really got to the bottom of this in therapy and could do with some more.

You need to figure out the whole process: attention craving, fulfilling craving, then feeling sick. Work out what is going on underneath.

[Minkii]

Thank you for your positive responses, very kind of you. Wasn't expecting this x

[Sprink]

Resume counselling.

[fruitbats]

If you have been on mn for any length of time, you will be aware that there are many posters who's lives have been ripped apart by affairs. These threads do not go down well.
I think you should seek out another therapist and if your marriage is over - then only sleep with single men. I'm sure there are plenty out there.