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Not sure what to do!

(11 Posts)
may321 Mon 02-Jan-17 13:36:59

Relationship advice would be appreciated- I'll try and keep it short.

I am currently 8 months pregnant. Prior to my baby's dad, I only had one serious relationship which lasted from my teens til age 23. A year after the split, I started dating the baby's dad and a couple of months in I fell pregnant. (Contraception failed.. Yes really!)

I deliberated about an abortion but in the end I decided to continue with the pregnancy. I knew there was a chance of ending up as a single mum but I spoke to th baby's dad and told him I understood if he didn't want to take on the responsibility as it was my choice to continue the pregnancy. He insisted he wanted to be with me and wouldn't run off. I took it with a pinch of salt as I didn't want to rely on him and be dissapointed.

Now I am due in a couple of weeks, and I'm feeling a bit unsure about the relationship. We are still 'together', and it's been about 1 year now since we started dating. But there's a few strange things that make me feel a bit suspicious:

He hasn't financially contributed at all to anything - clothes, cot, etc.. I realise most of the expenses come after baby is born but he hasn't offered to help out.

He has only introduced me to a few family members, not his whole family.

And I feel like I'm putting in most of the energy into the relationship and like if I didn't it would just fizzle out. I don't feel the sense of security I did with my previous long term relationship. He isn't pro active about making plans to see me etc.

Not sure if I'm just being hormonal and clingy or if these are valid reasons to feel the relationship is a bit off? Wwyd?

And I know I chose to carry on with the pregnancy and I don't regret it! Grateful as I am he seems to have stuck around it just still feels a bit off to me. sad any advice? X

WynterBlossom Mon 02-Jan-17 13:40:19

Is he young?? How was he when you told him you were pregnant??

may321 Mon 02-Jan-17 13:42:43

I am 25 he is 27. He was really good when I told him, really supportive and didn't try and push me into doing anything, he kept saying it was my choice and he would come with me if I did have the abortion but just to keep him updated on my decision. X

jeaux90 Mon 02-Jan-17 13:43:36

Yes. Single parent here. I knew I'd be a single mum from the get go even though he and I tried to give it a shot. Sounds very similar to your situation.

I was 37 and I knew this was probably my 1 shot at having a child.

I prepared for the single parent outcome and so should you by the sounds of it. Sorry to be harsh. Xxx

may321 Mon 02-Jan-17 13:46:47

No worries about being harsh - I am preparing as much as possible, buying stuff I need and looking into getting a new flat with more space. I think it's just cause I'm due in a few weeks and he's still around so it's a bit of a mindfuck and making me a bit anxious! sad.

I also wasn't particularly attached to him 8 months ago but now I am.. Not sure if I should say anything and rock the boat? X

MatildaTheCat Mon 02-Jan-17 13:55:11

You've been together for a year so it is not in the slightest unreasonable to want to know if you are in a relationship or not. You Soun as if you are still at the stage of, 'what does he really think about me?'

Ask him in person what his feelings are and to please not mess with yours. He may well be very confused which is fair enough but any kind of headfuckery is not ok.

Ask him directly for his contribution towards the baby equipment which is required for his child.

Beware the delivery room. You don't mention if he's invited but I suspect he is. High emotions lead to declarations of love which might seem sincere at the time but can be dropped just as the new mother is recovering and vulnerable.

Get some serious support behind you, mum, sisters, friend, anyone who won't mess you around. You don't sound able to rely on him and you need people to rely on here.

Talk. Good luck.

jeaux90 Mon 02-Jan-17 14:09:09

You live separately?
Are you just making a go of it because he is the father of your child? If you weren't pregnant would you still be in the relationship do you think?

I think you do need support from family and friends. Prepare to do this on your own. Honestly what you have written it doesn't sound like he is committed and I'm not sure you are either, to him.

Best be really honest with yourself. Having a new born is lovely (but exhausting) and you don't need those days sullied by not knowing where you stand or an unsure future. Time for a serious chat with him or some very self determined decisions on your part I think xx

may321 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:11:28

Yes I agree! We've established we are 'exclusive' but not much beyond that, he's said he's a more see how things go type of person but a year is enough to have seen how it's gone so far surely.. X

may321 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:13:27

To be honest if it wasn't for the child I do think we would still be together, it's made things a bit strained but I do really like him/have feelings for him. I'm just trying to be rational at the same time blush. But the fact he is the father of my child definitely does make me want something more serious! X

may321 Mon 02-Jan-17 15:14:30

Yes we live seperately, which is another thing he hasn't brought up which I feel like it'll come across as me being the pushy one again if I mention it. X

jeaux90 Mon 02-Jan-17 16:19:58

Do you want him to move in with you? Has he mentioned it?

Do you feel supported enough to do this on your own?

Have you two talked about what happens when the baby arrives? What he will and won't do? Are you planning on going back to work?

I split with my dd's dad when she was 1. But by that point I was back at work, and am financially independant. You say you have feelings for him and you'd probably be still together even if you weren't pregnant, do you know if he feels the same?

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