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All first dates no second dates, and men texting after a date but not asking you out!

(130 Posts)
TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 09:21:33

Looking for any feedback that goes beyond love yourself, get a life etc because obviously I have all of that covered. My self-esteem is fine & I walk away from men who aren't going to meet my needs. But that leaves me with a never-ending list of first dates.
I know I have done more than 50% of the rejecting so I can't really cry in to my mashed potato for one (yet) but the last four internet dates I've been on, three of the four have rejected a second date with me. The last one, we were really vibing on our date (although perhaps I couldn't exactly read the vibe) and it was easy and fun. We had a good on line rapport which ground to a halt the moment I got out of the taxi and put my key in the door. By the next day (I'm not a slow learner) I had deciphered through reverberating silence that seemed to deafen the internet that we weren't going to have a second date. Fine, Ok, I accepted that. But then he started texting me, but really boring texts, like he was deliberately working hard at being quite boring. If there was one thing he wasn't it was boring so again I had to deduce that he was trying to communicate through the medium of being really boring that we weren't a thing. I got that. Every time I put him to the back of my mind I got another text from him to remind me. I got two texts in a row (i'd ignored one) so it was like he was determined to remind me. I asked are we actually going to meet up? And he has disappeared.

Anyway, for the sake of clarification, I'm not using photos that are decades old (less than a year all of them), they're not photo shopped. I am not overweight. And yes I do have kids, but not tiny ones, and they all knew that before they met me (and the most recent one also had kids, older kids but he did have kids).

Ps, I'm not being really fussy with the ones I've rejected. I tend to reject men if there are awkward silences, misunderstandings, no humour, and they want to meet again confused

So, that's where the name change comes from, there is just no over lap between the men who'd date me and the men I'd date.

Gonna keep trying etc but I was wondering if anybody had any tips for bringing these two circles closer together. Give me a venn diagram that overlaps slightly please universe!

Boolovessulley Mon 02-Jan-17 09:42:11

I don't have the answer , sorry.
The only advice I can give is to keep the dates fun do at least you haven't lost anything.

Old is like a kids sweet shop do I guess a lot of people may always be looking for something better, even if that is quite elusive.

Don't give up as lots of people meet their oh on line.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 09:46:51

Thanks Boo. You're right, I've lost nothing. Nothing valuable comes too easily I guess. I got that sense with the most recent guy, that he liked me, but thought, wow, this was easy, log on and meet somebody nice, can't stop now! But, forget about him.

Boundaries Mon 02-Jan-17 10:04:31

You write really well, Two, you're funny!

I particularly like the idea of communicating through the medium of boring 😂

In the Venn diagram of dates, I find I have a definite number of things that have to be in the overlap. Then some edge items that actually I find quite annoying if they aren't enough in the overlap.

Something I have found, which may or may not relate to i'mnowboring guy - I had a date with someone where there was overlap. life is very busy, I have exsistong priorities and the overlap wasn't enough for me to make him a priority, and I think starting a relationship takes a bit of focus. I realised that I'd need my socks blown off to actually put in the effort. Rather than morphing into boringwoman, I told him that.

I think it's easy to date. I think faced with the reality of fitting a real live person in...that's much, much harder.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 10:30:54

Thank you boundaries. I will now think of him as ImBoringNow
That helps!

And I know real life is no small thing. Sometimes i feel fully energised and champing at the bit to date, and other times I think, well, I'd have to race home from work, change, throw a pizza at the kids, fly out the door again, to meet a stranger ?!

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 10:32:00

"I'd need my socks blown off to make the effort"

Actually I think you're right. That helps too.

Thank you.

Northernpowerhouse Mon 02-Jan-17 10:51:29

Same here. This in RL as I don't want to try OLD at the moment. I have had interest from a few men who are perfectly "nice" but I have had to reject for various reasons. It is not something I enjoy doing as I realise it must have taken some courage for them so I try to be kind.

In a separate circle are the ones I am interested in, have quite a lot in common with ( I think) but who never return my interest other than as friends. I don't think I am coming across as desperate, lots going on, not needing " a man" to fill the lonely days. Maybe i'm just crap at flirting.😀

Just persuing my own interests and spending time with friends right now and trusting that it may, one day, just happen.

Ellisandra Mon 02-Jan-17 10:58:01

I'd be wary of this month... isn't it a massive sign up month for OLD?
- lots of splits with the pressure of Xmas
- people at Xmas alone deciding they're ready to date again
- new year new me / new approach type vibe
- run up to Valentine's...

If I were OLD at the moment I might actually give January a swerve because it will be FULL of newbies and the worst of the sweet shop mentality!

Sorry to be depressing grin

I'd have first dated you for the Venn diagram reference alone grin

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 11:01:32

And the only advice I can find online is something along the lines of 'the perfect man for you might have been one of the many you rejected''. But no I felt nothing and there was no connection, no rapport. Surely they pick up on that? why would a man risk asking out a woman again if it had been a stilted evening the first time round!? And then I have evenings where the conversation flows so easily and it is fun, and they don't want to see you again.

I am going to go for a long walk now. DC with their Dad and not back at work til tomorrow so I will go for a long walk. Want to be delgada in my prada for the next date :-p

SleepFreeZone Mon 02-Jan-17 11:04:11

Do you think you might be intimidating them? 🤔 Are you a clever switched-on professional independent type? Weirdly some men really like the simpering damsel-in-distress stereotype and like to swoop in and get themselves some drama.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 11:04:12

Oh true Elissandra! I don't want any men who've been recently released in to the jungle by their pissed off wives!

I am not that mathsy but I guess I'm trying to systemise love and attraction. Only to make the energy and the hours spent a bit more fruitful. I know these things can't really be systemised. But saying that, I do like a man who is 1.5 to 2 standard deviations from the mean. Little bit quirky. But just a little. No more Buddhists

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 11:06:29

I don't think I'm intimidating! I'm 5'2" My job is boring. A robot job. I wish I was a copy writer or something cool. The last guy who rejected me, he wasn't intimidated at all. We were vibing.

Ellisandra Mon 02-Jan-17 11:07:43

Definitely no to the Buddhists.

OliviaStabler Mon 02-Jan-17 11:10:46

Surely they pick up on that?

Some clearly don't. Went out on a date and the guy was nice but his interests and mine were not compatible. He opened the meal with a story about how he almost died a few years ago and it went downhill from there. At the end of the meal I made noises about going and put my coat on but he just kept talking. I eventually managed to leave and he walked me to the tube even though I didn't want him to. We said goodbye and he went to kiss me. I managed to turn my face so he kissed my cheek and I don't think I have ever moved into a tube station as fast. He clearly couldn't read social signs.

Hope things go better for you.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 11:14:50

I've had dates like that! nightmare.

It makes me wonder what it was that I wasn't picking up on on the dates that I thought went great.

QueenMortificado Mon 02-Jan-17 11:18:42

Some men just like to have several fingers in several pies, attention wise, even if they have no intention of meeting up

I think you're a pie

DrFoxtrot Mon 02-Jan-17 11:19:39

I find exactly the same as you OP and I'm getting weary. There's no middle ground of men who continue being engaging and with me wanting to be engaged by them confused.

I've had the man who turned boring but I think he would have accepted a second date if I'd suggested it. But the witty, entertaining online exchanges disappeared, like he'd done his bit to get me interested.

I'm also thinking of giving tinder a January swerve. I've been someone's rebound earlier this year and it wasn't pretty.

Barnes79 Mon 02-Jan-17 11:19:57

I met my DH through OLD in Jan so must say that I disagree about avoiding OLD during the new year. Also, have you ever tried the 2 date rule? It's something me and my friends believe in (and my DH as this was what got me my 2nd date blush ). Some people are shy on first dates (with my DH I was shy for about the first month which is unusual for me) and the 2nd date rule gives people a chance to get over the initial shyness.

Don't over think it all, and if you get a spark but the conversation was odd topics (my DH talked about hedge laying on our first date - yeah, I didn't know what it was either and quite frankly could do without ever knowing) just give a second date a go.

As for Imboringnow - perhaps he is interested, hence the continuing texts, but is just really busy and firing off boring texts is his way of trying to keep in touch despite not having much time. Or he may just truly be boring and the first date was just him making an effort not to be.... Ask him on a 2nd date - at least that way you will know if a) he's actually interested and b) if he truly is boring.

Confusednotcom Mon 02-Jan-17 11:20:00

You should write a column/blog/book
about your experiences, it could become something and let you ditch the robot job smile.
Are you sure Imboringnow was giving you the brush off? I don't understand why he'd text or chase you up if he was really not into you... maybe he's just not blessed with the gift of witty written repartee?

tsonlyme Mon 02-Jan-17 11:21:14

No to the Buddhists! Why are there so many of them OLD?!!

I'm having the same problem matching the ones I like with the ones that like me, I suspect it's because I'm much cooler with the ones I'm not particularly interested in which seems to get them fired up so I'm practicing being cooler with the ones I like. It's been three days now shall I let you know how I get on? 😂

noego Mon 02-Jan-17 11:22:53

Try not to overthink things. When the right one comes along there will be a 2nd date and 3rd, 4th etc.
The vibe might be great, but their mind might not be committed to a full relationship for one reason or another. That is not and never will be your problem.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 11:27:00

confusednotcom, thank you, funnily enough, I used to write up my internet dates. Not with the intention of mocking them, just to capture the strangeness of the mismatch. It used to fascinate me and it was a great way to practice characterization. But I'm not a writer. I work in a bank. I have never written anything. Except on mumsnet hmm shock
I've written a la recherche de le temps perdu on mumsnet.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap Mon 02-Jan-17 11:36:35

Barnes always nice to hear a success story! But no, this guy was definitely not boring. He was deliberately reining himself in lest I should think we were on the road to somewhere cos clearly we weren't. I don't know why I bothered asking him ''so are we going to meet again'' because actually his method of communicating to me that we weren't going anywhere through the medium of being boring was extremely successful. I got it. I don't regret saying ''so, are we actually going to meet up again now'' because I brought it to a close.
Thank you for your thoughts everybody! [coffee]

Flatbellyfella Mon 02-Jan-17 11:38:16

There is no quick fix to find a partner, on line or otherwise , relationships take time to establish between couples, I have never done dating so don't have first hand knowledge of the pitfalls, but I am sure the men put on an act, to impress you with how great they are on that all important first date, rather than just be their everyday normal person. Only time passing by will get your lives to overlap each other, knowing yours & their ways & needs in life. There has to be some give & take from both partners. Physical attraction is not the only thing to aim for, that would be very shallow. The world has wonderful people in all walks of life, I worked in a lowly paid job in a hospital kitchen alongside young men who had graduated from university as Physicists, Architects , Civil engineers etc but unable to get those elusive jobs that would start them on their path they desired. I watched some great relationships develop over time, between them & some of the female hospital staff, they were always open & friendly , never putting on an act.
I think the people you date , have to want to be in a long term relationship & all it entails, children should not be an obstacle, rather than just sexual encounters over a short period of time before moving on to the next victim.

tsonlyme Mon 02-Jan-17 11:40:01

Actually I've done the witty to boring thing myself now I come to think of it 😳 Not deliberately I don't think but just ran out of steam once I met them.

Some people you bounce off (fnarr) and others you don't. I try not to take it too personally.

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