Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Sister MH issues - help and advice?(19 Posts)
Hey all, some of you might remember me - i've posted about my crazy adult sister before. Please don't point out I've been stupid here - I know I have.
I resolved after a horrific last Xmas to never stay in my mums house again, as my sister lives with her and it's just horrible every time waiting for her to kick off. I feel really stupid and sad, but I'm posting this from my mums spare room, unable to sleep because of stress.
I stupidly thought that this time would be different, as it's a special occasion - me and my OH are getting married and after serving Xmas this year we thought we'd come over to my home country and see my mum and register to get married. In hindsight, this was stupid.
Sister has been a pain in the arse since we got here in a minor way, abusive to my mum as usual, but she is intensely anxious about the wedding - ranting on about our choices versus her preferences of how things should be, and it all hinges on her paranoia about what people, particularly old neighbours will think. She keeps saying she's trying to 'protect' me - in reality I think she just can't bear it not being in her control. She has threatened multiple times not to come if I invite some people she doesn't like, and she's meant to be a bridesmaid FFS.
Her behaviour is just shit - me and OH went to bed to get away, and she came into the room to rabbit on at us, and after me repeatedly telling her to leave the room, we're in bed, OH lost his temper and shouted at her that it's our wedding and not her decision who comes. Then half an hour later she calls me from the next room going on about it again FFS.
I mean, WTF? How is that an acceptable thing to do? some people on here have said maybe she has PDA but to be honest it makes no difference what label you give, she is enraging and exhausting to be around, amazingly entitled and utterly self centred. I just wanted a nice visit for this one nice occasion.
I have found a hotel we can stay in for the next 2 nights and will be doing everything in my power to take my mum out and have a great time, it's just such a shame - quite apart from the fact that we don't have the money AT ALL to drop ££ on a hotel room because of her, we came to see my mum, and we can't - because of her.
Wow! Why is she bridesmaid if you don't get on?
It's more complex than us not getting on - she is always saying she loves me and I know she does, just her issues make her impossible to deal with. I worried about asking her as I wasn't sure she was up to it, but she would have been upset at not being asked and it would have looked really odd - I have one sister, abd OHs sister and my best friend are the others, it would have been conspicuous.
I am as nice to her as possible and I know she has MH issues so give a lot of it a free pass. It's just really bloody difficult.
It sounds very difficult and you would need the patience of a Saint to put up with it. You are actually being extremely nice to her despite what you think.
There is no way you could have left her out of the Wedding party so don't even bother regretting anything about that.
You are a really good sister who is being tested hugely. Maybe you are getting more anxious that unual because your soon to be hubby is with you. Don't beat yourself up you will be in the hotel tomorrow and can get some space.
You really are doing a good job, most people would not be as kind as you are to her. Mental illness is not easy for her or for her family and it is always going to be tough. You are just tired and are only human.
You know what will happen don't you? She will ruin your wedding. Many people with mh issues do not wreck the lives of others with their own issues but many do as they cannot help it/are selfish beyond rational behaviour.. whichever way you want to interpret it.
Knowing this why not suggest 2 'weddings'? One designed around her that is perhaps only the mock one where she can wear a bridesmaid dress and use it as a trial to see if she could cope on the big day.
She sounds seriously mentally unwell and if she is not seeking psychiatric help then perhaps you shouldn't factor her into your wedding and just elope/do something small scale to keep the peace.
Oh god tenshi, don't say that. petrified.
We will have a run through the day before, but I was planning for my best friend (maid of honour) to keep an eye on her on the day, and to honestly just block her texts from my phone whenever it gets too much, and claim phone is broken/bad reception.
We're having the wedding we want, no way are we eloping - invites are out, venue booked etc. She hates the idea of being conspicuous or people having cause to gossip, so I hope she'll be okay on the day.
Can you engage some family or friends to keep her under control on the big day. If she threatens not to come if you invite XYZ can you invite XYZand call her out on it. Her dress will be there but if she is not in that dress and at the wedding on the day, so be it.
Get your mum on board. It has to stop now. Like when she called you for 30 minutes, why not hang up, block her number? When she comes in the room, physically steer her out the door, repeat the same phrase 'Now is not convenient.' or whatever.
Your dh sounds great, very supportive. Just concentrate on the two of you, your big day, how you want it. Just be clear, if she cannot do things your way on your day, she will have to stay away!
Cross posted, give 'keeping her under control' to your maid of honor and maybe one other person too! Really be clear, any upset and she will need to go to the bar area and just stay away from you, whatever!
She's going to ruin this wedding if you let her. You either have to give into her interference now, for an easy life, or anticipate that she intends to spoil the day with some tantrum or drama. Why risk it? She's nuts, she's not going to listen to reason.
Don't get married in your home country. Get married here. Refuse to engage with her about your plans AT ALL, beyond telling her that there is now a total change of plan and the wedding as it was is now off and that her services as a bridesmaid won't be needed.
Then quietly plan your wedding elsewhere and keep the details to yourself. Invite her or don't invite her - up to you. But don't build your day around her feelings.
Let's not get into cancel the cheque territory. It's too late to change the wedding, and I love what we've got planned.
We have spoken to my mum and unfortunately it's worse than I thought - she has got my mum in bits, there are more rules than a North Korean concentration camp, in her own house. Apparently she's on her best behaviour, since we're here, which is a horrible thought.
On the plus side, my mum is completely on board with her needing serious psychological help, and has stopped minimising now.
She's asked us to have a word with her - suggest that she needs a referral to a psychologist. Is that what we need? She needs someone who knows their way around complex MH stuff, NOT a counsellor who will just listen to her justifications and take her at her word.
If she won't go, my mum is going to go and speak to our family gp who treated her for depression in her teens and ask about getting her a referral.
It's pretty depressing. I want not to be involved to be honest, but I need to support my mum. We will try to have a nice time with wedding things anyway, but I feel like it will turn into this horrible drama filled trip once we speak to her. My mum has said if we go to a hotel it will impact badly on her - my sister is basically persecuting her. Idk what to do about that really.
I've reported this to have the title changed. If anyone has experience of this kind of thing and could give me any advice that would be gratefully received.
How has your sister escaped the notice of medics, OP? She sounds very disturbed. Does she work? What was she like in school? What's she like with neighbours and family friends?
I'm just hating the bad language in the original post. Ugh!
LOL @ Streuth thinking an OP that is currently going through this gives a tiny rats ass about her opinions on bad language.
Streuth really? You are aware this is MN & as adults we're allowed to use whatever language we wish?
Def not the worst language have seen on a MN post! OP things sound v shite for you with regards to this, have you had a look on the MIND website? They are a helpful resource.
I think the only way your mum will get her there is to show her some tough love
ie, DM telling her "You need to get help because I won't be treated like this in my own home". If your sister refuses, DM tells her that it's either see a qualified psychotherapist, or move out
And I know that your DM may simply feel unable to stand up to her right now, so the first step may actually be for your DM to go to a therapist to help her stand up to your sister.
The title of this post has changed. When I posted my 'why is she a bridesmaid' reply i was focusing on the wedding part. I'm just aware that my response is quite twatish as in my sleepy state I kind of missed the whole mental health aspect. I have no idea what pda even is so I'm no help really. Anyway, apologies and I hope today has been better for you all.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.