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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Is it still rape if I had an orgasm? - triggers

107 replies

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 01/01/2017 22:55

I'm struggling a bit thinking of a past relationship. I'm ok, but really want to put this behind me once and for all.

With this guy when we had sex sometimes he would force me into anal sex. Force as in I had no choice and couldn't get away, he'd start very gradually with a finger and work his way up, but not force as in brutally hurt me. It hurt only slightly and just had that odd pressure feeling of anal sex but then by the end I'd have an orgasm.

I didn't want it and would be saying no but my body still had an orgasm at these times, so what does that mean? The orgasms felt physically good but had a lot of shame and embarrassment and felt sick afterwards. I still have to work hard today at having sex without feeling shame.

If I let it, shame and anal sex would be a massive turn on for me, but I try to just let the fantasies pass and not judge myself too much for them. However, I wish they would just go away.

Was this rape or assault really, or not, because it did give me (unwanted) orgasms?

OP posts:

Report

toffee1000 · 01/01/2017 23:02

If it was forced and you had no say/couldn't get out of it, then it was rape. Even if you had orgasms.
Sorry about your experience.

sotiredbutworthit · 01/01/2017 23:04

It's still rape. Orgasms are a biological response, one that you can't help. If you said no and he carried on anyway, it's rape. I really hope you are ok? Xxxxx

MaudeandHarold · 01/01/2017 23:04

If you did not consent, and said no, it's rape. Can you contact your local rape crisis or women's counselling service? I'm assuming you are a woman, if not there are services for men out there too.

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 01/01/2017 23:04

Thank you. I've read that, but somehow doesn't feel like it applies to me. I feel guilty even though I know really I couldn't do anything to prevent any of it. Not the act or the orgasm.

It's fucking with my head though.

OP posts:

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 01/01/2017 23:05

Yes, it is still rape. Orgasm during sexual assault is more common than you might think. It may be a reason why some people don't report what happened to them, because they feel shame.

Orgasm is not necessarily a sign of enjoyment, trust or relaxation.

GerardNoWay · 01/01/2017 23:05

It's still rape, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that

DJBaggySmalls · 01/01/2017 23:05

Yes, its still rape

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 01/01/2017 23:07

Yes, I am a woman. I am ok I just want to process what happened.

I'd be embarrassed contacting rape crisis centre, I don't feel like I'm genuine enough because if I could get pleasure from it well maybe I deserved it? I know that's complete bullshit though as would never dream of thinking that about anyone else, but can't make myself feel that way about me.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/01/2017 23:07

Yes it is. As a pp said orgasms are your body's reaction. You have absolutely no control over whether or not you have them.

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 01/01/2017 23:09

No the orgasms certainly weren't signs of relaxation or trust. I was very distressed. I did enjoy the several seconds of the orgasm though, but didn't enjoy the context or situation, it really messes with my head.

OP posts:

MaudeandHarold · 01/01/2017 23:20

Please don't be embarrassed, Rape Crisis are used to dealing with rape of all types. Most rape isn't the media stereotype of bash on the head, drag in a bush....it's by someone you know, you have trusted, who pushed you beyond your boundaries. Please contact them, they will not turn you away. It doesn't matter that you orgasmed or have fantasies. That's very common. As are feeling of guilt and shame, and confusion.

LittleMermaidRose · 01/01/2017 23:31

It is still rape. You can't help how your body reacts.
Talking about it will help I hope you're ok.

Ehlana · 01/01/2017 23:36

Of course you didn't deserve it.

You were raped. As pp said, orgasms during sexual assaults are common things, it's a biological response you have no control over.

Even if you don't want to consider going to the police, some form of counselling would help clarify your thoughts.

1horatio · 01/01/2017 23:40

Still rape.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Orgasms or arousal aren't uncommon experiences during rape or sexual assault.

LouMumsnet · 02/01/2017 10:16

Morning all. We've had a fair few reports on this thread so we've had a look. Although we can never be 100 per cent sure - because this is the internet after all - there's nothing behind the scenes to suggest the OP isn't genuine. Thanks, as always.

cherrycrumblecustard · 02/01/2017 10:18

We believe you eh ...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/01/2017 11:05

I hope to God she isn't genuine, then. MNHQ, because if she is. Youve done a despicable thing and die service to rape survivors and their loved ones. Saying you don't believe her.
What's happened WBY.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/01/2017 11:08

Oh Sorry. MNHQ. I miss read it. I read it as There's nothing to suggest the op is genuine, than isn't genuine. .
Whoever doubted the poor op though. Is an absolute disgrace.

pklme · 02/01/2017 11:12

Well done on having worked your way so far through this. You should feel proud of yourself.
Your feelings are completely normal. Whatever the circumstances, somehow the victim ends up wrestling with shame and confusion. I think that is part of the abuse.

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 02/01/2017 15:47

Fucking hell. So lots of people must have believed me not to be genuine or otherwise complained about me? MNHQ will just see a bunch of posts about my anxiety and depression - that I am steadily overcoming but still with rotten bad spells - under other names. I am a very, very private person in real life and I come here to express pain and talk about things I struggle with.

This is exactly why I won't be telling any counsellers or going to a rape crisis centre. People judge the reactions I had.

Thank you to all who didn't judge, who were nice, but if Mumsnet looked into my posting history then an overwhelming amount of people must have thought I was not genuine or just am a sick individual.

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 02/01/2017 15:49

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 02/01/2017 15:52

1horatio · 02/01/2017 15:52

I believed you.

I don't think it necessarily means they didn't believed you.

Something really awful happened to you and it would be better if you were a troll. Because that would mean it hadn't happened to you... I'm not sure I'm explaining that in a way that makes sense.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 02/01/2017 15:54

A proper counsellor and the rape crisis people wont judge you for the reactions you had

Do go, i am sure they will be able to help

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 02/01/2017 15:55

I believed you

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