Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just don't know what to do with myself !!!!

(93 Posts)
Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:47:52

I'm fed up.
Completely and utterly fed up with my life as a single parent.
It's not the parenting , I love my children and I will do anything for them but I am sick of trying to co parent with such a selfish twit.

Im trying to make it as easy as I can for my children but it's two years in now and I'm running out of strength.

He sees them eow for 24 hours.
In that time he will linger here if he can or try and drag me off with them - I didn't mind this until I realised that he's using my house and me as extra childcare etc.
He's his own home and his own life yet picks and chooses us when it suits him.

He's been with the ow since he left - kids haven't met her.

Yesterday was his day - I was ill. So instead of just taking the kids to his he stayed. Cooked lunch , done some chores and checked on me every while or so. Decided to set up camp with the kids in my room whilst I was I was napping - to watch tele. Perfectly good one in the lounge or at his own house !!!!!
Very kind in some ways in others it just confuses the hell out of my kids.

This is a regular occurrence in spates across the year and I just want to be able to get on with him as a parent.

Not second guessing , nice behaviours or him wanting to spend time with us all.

If I approach the subject with him he gets nasty or defensive. That he doesn't think it confuses the kids and that this is life now , he doesn't want me and that I should just get on.

I never ask for him back when I broach the subject just ask him to stop using me and my house and good nature and to branch off with the kids but it gets his back up.

I did stop inviting him in for a while but he then kept asking me to join them for lunch or other activities.

Short of hiring someone to do the hangovers. What can I do to stop the muddying of waters and have some kid free time.

Iamdobby63 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:55:12

You need to stand firm, draw some boundaries and stick to them, it seems like you keep giving in so therefore he knows if he pushes it he will eventually get his own way.

Stop inviting him in and do not accept invitations to join them on his access day.

You won't be able to move on with your life until you do this.

GloriaGaynor Sun 01-Jan-17 22:55:20

You get tough. It's your house, it's your life, you make the rules.

If you don't want him in your house, and I don't think he should ever step inside, then you say so and stick to it however nasty he gets.

If he asks you to join them for lunch you say no. Repeatedly if necessary.

He doesn't get to spend time with you as a family. He made his choice.

Ilovecaindingle Sun 01-Jan-17 22:58:22

Next time he is due to see them just be ready at the door for your shopping trip /meet a friend plan etc. Your house is out of bounds to him in 2017!!

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:02:44

He's doing it all for the kids apparently.
They are young and one has spent more time apart than with us living together - so it's not as if they are missing a long and happy family life.

What irks me is that when I used to do the drop offs he wouldn't even let me near his front door, I've never been inside his Josue and respect that.
I stopped doing the drop offs and collections as he kept chopping and changing times etc.

I just want to be free and at the moment I am not.
I don't want him back but I also don't want to feel so down about something that happened years ago.

I wanted to create a positive out of a negative for my children but fear I have just chipped away at my own self esteem.

It's his constant lamenting that he doesn't want to be with me ... Yes I know that, you left me and I worked that out pretty quickly.

Aside from him we are all happy, healthy, enjoying schools and my job is wonderful.
He is a massive dark cloud though.

AnyFucker Sun 01-Jan-17 23:05:03

Stop letting him do what he wants then confused

Iamdobby63 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:07:15

You know he is not doing it for the children, he is doing it so he doesn't have to parent them single handed. He is also possibly liking the thought that he still have some power over you.

How does it work when youjoin them, that can't be for 24 hours?

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:08:22

Anyfucker - it sounds easy when you type it. But all I think of is am
I in turn going to make the children unhappy by doing so.

I know I need to be firm but I was looking for a positive out of a negative. And seeking a perfect co parenting relationship , that isn't going to happen.

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:11:23

Iamdobby - This is only happened last year - the year previous he was happy to get them and go without so much as a hello. Which in hindsight was better than now.
If I go with them then it'll be for the day and he'll drop me home and go to his which is an hour or so away.
Times vary - yesterday I was ill he rolled up at 11 and didn't leave until 6 - I was in bed all day, so it made no difference him being here - I didn't ask him to stay. I never do I just don't know how to say no as I always think I'm hurting the kids feelings which I know is stupid.

silkflowers Sun 01-Jan-17 23:11:57

My ex does this. Basically staying at yours during his contact with the DC mean that he doesn't have to fanny around with car seats - bonus. And you are there to help with the childcare - another bonus.

He is not doing this "for the kids", but because of his own laziness. Nip this in the bud. Have the DC ready at the door with their coats on when he comes. If he asks for contact to take place at yours tell him that it's not appropriate and that you have plans. Decline any invitations to take part in activities with him and the DC as that will just confuse them.

gamerchick Sun 01-Jan-17 23:16:15

Is he worried about you having child free time, meeting someone else type of thing.?

When he arrives, shout through the door you'll be a few minutes and drop them to him on the doorstep. He's not allowed in the house anymore.

Iamdobby63 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:19:25

I know it's well meant but in my opinion you are really running the risk of confusing the children.

You can create the boundaries again, you can be subtle if it's easier. It doesn't matter if he disagrees with you that it could confuse the children, you think it can therefore you won't participate, he can think what he likes.

Maybe the children will be unhappy to start off with but they will adjust.

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:21:03

We have had this conversation earlier last year.
He seemed to take it on board and I had thought perhaps he just didn't realise what he was doing or had got into a habit.
He was accepting of it being confusing for the children and that I needed my space - for a few contact sessions.
But he just seems to find new ways to be involved - when he's here he'll want me to join in with them all , or get the children to tell mummy she's silly or set them off tickling me and all playful things like that and whilst I'm pleased they are happy with them I just want to be free now.

My little boy especially seems to be getting more confused by him being around a lot and that is upsetting me , it makes me feel like I'm doing wrong by facilitating his dad to come into the house and not leave to go to his own one.

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:23:51

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Not so much him as he's a grown up but I had these grand ideas that I wouldn't be a bitter parent or fighting about the ow.
Unfortunately it happened but I don't think in all of this he has ever thought about how it affects the children and I.

I don't think he is worried about me meeting someone - he likes to remind me often that he doesn't want me back. Which I don't understand his need to do this.

AnyFucker Sun 01-Jan-17 23:25:41

You are not actually doing your kids any favours at all

Mixed messages help no one (except him of course)

Tell him in no uncertain terms he hss contact with his dc away from you or you will not make them available

You have yhe power here if you could only see it

Keep doing what you are doing and the only thing that will change is that your dc get more confused

gamerchick Sun 01-Jan-17 23:27:22

It doesn't matter if he doesn't want you back. He won't like it if you meet someone else and he has boundaries put in place.

The camping out in your bedroom was a line crossed. He can't come in your house anymore or this will never end.

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:32:16

Anyfucker -
I know that and on his next visit I will just have them ready to leave.

watching my little boy crumple in confusion this afternoon has really hurt me - he'd had his dad there all day yesterday playing games, cuddling and just being a dad. So when he was dropped back this afternoon and dad said no to playing a quick game with him as he wanted to get home to watch something on the tele. My little boy couldn't comprehend why the tv was more important and why his dad had so wilfully played yesterday.

I have tried speaking to my ex calmly and said that he didn't need to have spent the whole day yesterday helping around the house etc he could have taken them and enjoyed them at his own home but he retorts the same thing " this is life now. I don't want you back "

I don't understand why he has to keep telling me he doesn't want me - when thensubject is never bought up.

AnyFucker Sun 01-Jan-17 23:34:12

He is yanking your chain

Stop trying to figure out why he does what he does and enforce your own boundaries

He's a piss taker and you are lapping it up, currently

nicenewdusters Sun 01-Jan-17 23:35:52

Sounds like he's made his own life with OW which he wants to keep totally separate from you and his dc. Hence you having never been to his house, or her meeting your dc. What he seems to want as regards your dc is an easy ride. He turns up to yours, expects you to host and co-parent, and then accompany him on outings so he doesn't have to have sole responsibility.

If you don't want to do it - who would? - then don't. It's your home, your time to be away from your dc, your life. You've already split up - he left - so it's confusing that you think your wanting him to have the dc on his own will be a source of ongoing damage to your dc.

As I got to the end of your post my feeling was more that you feel unable to confront him, that he is overbearing and you are slightly intimidated by him? The image of an ex partner, who's cheated, sitting in his ex's bedroom watching tv with his dc whilst she is unwell is actually - to me - slightly bizarre. It sounds like he's confident to trample over your boundaries - was it this way when you were together?

It's all very one sided. He says where you can and can't go, but he can come and go as he pleases. You're allowed to decide that you don't want that. I don't think it will make any difference to your dc. Actually I think it will be healthier.

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:36:29

I don't want him back.
I just am so incensed with being a good parent and creating a positive out of a negative I think I've lost my way a little , trying to please them and let them enjoy him.

I need to be firm. I need a slap and a kick up the ass.

fallenempires Sun 01-Jan-17 23:36:30

As hard as it may seem it's time to make clear boundaries.DC's all packed up & ready to go & you're off somewhere/busy, nothing to do with him if you aren't you don't have to answer to him!It's no longer his home so he has no business stepping indoors.Likewise if it's his watch then he needs to deal with it & not involve you.
A lot of us have difficult X's so you have my sympathy,you shouldn't have to but you do need to for the dcs sake as well as your own.

Catchmeifyoucan1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:40:06

i feel like I was never good enough.
I blame myself for the children being in a single parent family so I try not to rock the boat.

He doesn't live with the other woman. The children have never met her.

He just seems to use me for his own selfish needs and I guess until earlier it hadn't really hit me. Not properly.

SuiteHarmony Sun 01-Jan-17 23:40:13

Reading with interest.

nicenewdusters Sun 01-Jan-17 23:45:11

Having seen the more recent posts, it will definitely be healthier - especially for you - if he picks them up at the front door and goes straight off. What a complete bastard to keep telling you he doesn't want you back. You sound much better off without him - have you told him that? You can co-parent with some people, but not with lazy, selfish, nasty piss takers.

Don't take this the wrong way, but dust off your self-respect for 2017. He's seriously managed to get the upper hand here. But as a previous poster said, you really do have the power here.

You may want to look at the thread in Relationships: "Support thread for those of us trying to co-parent with a narc or difficult ex....."

LisaMed1 Sun 01-Jan-17 23:49:00

He doesn't want you back but he wants you to want him back.

If you get a chance to have a break from him then you might find someone else. In his view, your job is to be hanging around hoping for him to have you back.

I suggest that you make sure that you are completely unavailable for him. He will throw a fit, but perhaps eventually you'll get some space back.

Good luck

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now