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Crude talk

(75 Posts)
transitpan Sun 01-Jan-17 18:33:02

I'm in a fairly new relationship of five months, we were saying our goodbyes this morning until we see each other again.

We haven't had sex this weekend as he had his family round.

On parting he said 'I can't wait until I see you next, so I can ruin you'

My face was confused and I asked if he'd got that phrase from one of his friends who sleeps around. He replied with 'no that's from my own repertoire'

Things were going ok until now, but that's creeped me out a little bit but I don't know why.

Is this is a reasonable thing to say, FYI I've only had one previous relationship which was very long term so I'm new to the dating scene.

Scrumptiousbears Sun 01-Jan-17 18:38:19

I personally wouldn't take offence. I think he may have missed the weekend activities and thought he'd be a bit cheeky.

jeaux90 Sun 01-Jan-17 18:47:19

I don't think that's bad at all!

transitpan Sun 01-Jan-17 18:51:19


I admit I googled the term 'ruin you' it's pretty derogatory

offside Sun 01-Jan-17 18:53:51

I don't think it's bad either. I wouldn't take Googles literal meaning of it, I would take it as he can't wait to jump your bones and have a marathon session.

Boundaries Sun 01-Jan-17 18:57:34

*'ll fall in love with me all over again."
"Hell," I said, "I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?"
"Yes. I want to ruin you."
"Good," I said. "That's what I want too.
Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms*

Maybe he's just very literary? grin

Aridane Sun 01-Jan-17 18:59:49

Sort of,get where you're coming from,OP, having looked it up

Joysmum Sun 01-Jan-17 19:01:39

This is where you need to think for yourself, not rely on Google.

What was his intent behind his use of that word? This isn't about some blanket definition.

We all use different terms in different ways and Google doesn't help you work that out.

KnittedBlanketHoles Sun 01-Jan-17 19:04:52

Tell him if there are phrases you would prefer he use to express amorousness. You should be able to tell from his actions in general whether he views you or women in general in a derogatory way. If this one phrase is the only thing you've found off then I wouldn't worry but if there are other signs?

noego Sun 01-Jan-17 19:07:22

I'm going to ruin you........

take you for dinner
take you to the theatre
have a cosy night in
buy you flowers
buy you chocolates
feed you strawberries with champagne
give you a good seeing to

Take you pick

transitpan Sun 01-Jan-17 19:07:39

My feeling was and is that it felt disrespectful and vulgar, like I'm there for his sexual gratification only. (He knows I don't like rough sex, which is obviously my personal preference) That when he sees me next it's solely about the sex, I realise I could be over sensitive and I appreciate your comments though

Spam88 Sun 01-Jan-17 19:10:36

DH would get a telling off for a phrase like this, although I've probably said equally inappropriate things to him grin

transitpan Sun 01-Jan-17 19:12:10

Hmm there are a few other things that are irking me (sorry to drip feed) I said no to sex a couple of weeks ago having already had sex once I just didn't feel like it again. I said no, he still tried to carry on. With me having to literally get out of the bed and move away from him. His response was 'I thought you were just playing hard to get'

At his Christmas do, I asked him to walk in with me rather than five paces in front (giving I hadn't met anyone) and his response was 'maybe my standards are too high'

I don't know if we're still getting to know each other and what we both like or if these are red flags to me saying it's not right or if I'm just precious and hard work?

Gallavich Sun 01-Jan-17 19:14:18

He attempted to sexually assault you and you're wondering if you are being precious confused
He's not a good guy. Dump and move on.

Choccywokky Sun 01-Jan-17 19:14:25

I don't see a y harm in that. At all.

transitpan Sun 01-Jan-17 19:16:39

Gallavich- I know that sounds ridiculous. But he seemed generally remorseful and made me think it was because we didn't know each other well enough yet.

Gallavich Sun 01-Jan-17 19:17:54

He didn't respect your sexual autonomy. That's not a good guy. The walking ahead of you thing is dismissive and careless and not how a date should treat you. The 'ruin you' comment is gross and if a man said that to me I would tell him I didn't like it. All in all he's not a great guy.

dailyfailnotgoodenoughforchips Sun 01-Jan-17 19:23:27

My DP would say "I'm going to ruin you" but he means it in a "I'm going to make you so happy you'll explode/short circuit/go mad." I do understand how you can find the phrase gross if you think your chap meant it in a "I'm going to ruin your pelvis, my property." Depends what kind of guy you know him to be.

The whole "I thought you were playing hard to get thing"... It's fucking awful but a surprising amount of decent blokes genuinely think women do this. I don't know if it's films or porn or old comedy, but it's a widespread mistake. Yuck! If he wasn't suitably apologetic, embarrassed and feeling like a right weirdo, never to think odd rubbish about women again, after you said you were genuinely not interested, then I'd cut him loose.

Tbh your man doesn't sound all that great from your three points - you clearly have doubts. You don't need any reason or permission to dump him. I will reassure you though that there are plenty of nice fish in the sea, and being alone is nicer than being with an asshat.

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 01-Jan-17 19:26:16

That is a gross vulgar phrase and I'd dump any guy who said it.
As for the fact that he doesn't understand the word 'no', well OP I'd say go with your instinct on this one. Time to move on.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 01-Jan-17 19:30:28

Funny (or not), I think of that phrase in an archaic Victorian sense. You know, that when a girl was not married and had sex she was 'ruined', i.e. no longer 'suitable' as marriage material.

If I was single and a guy said it to me, I'd probably laugh at him and say he was too late, I'd been 'ruined' years ago.

TheNaze73 Sun 01-Jan-17 19:35:17

Think this is a massive overreaction

timeforabrewnow Sun 01-Jan-17 19:36:00

Go with your gut instinct OP - if you think it was creepy, it probably was, no matter what anyone says on here.

Gallavich Sun 01-Jan-17 19:36:45

Thenaze did you read the bit where he tried to continue having sex after she said no? hmm

timeforabrewnow Sun 01-Jan-17 19:37:00

Listening to your instincts is not overreacting.

transitpan Sun 01-Jan-17 19:38:54

Think he definitely meant it as rough sex your mine kind of way.

Yeah gut feeling is it's time to move on

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