Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WIBU to go NC with DM

(8 Posts)
AngryVagina Sun 01-Jan-17 17:57:30

Rather dismal first thread of the year, I know.

Long story, I'm sorry!

My DM left my DDad (step-dad but very much my dad, since I was 6) in the summer, also leaving behind my DSis(15). Before her 18year relationship with DDad, her life was a bit of a train wreck and she seems to have gone straight back to that. Her reasons for leaving were that he was controlling. He hasn't changed since the day they met, but while I stood by her and told her if she needed to leave I would be there for her, I could never really pinpoint the reasons she gave...none of them stuck in my head as being true or a reason to leave.

However, as I said, I stood by her (and my DDad) through the process of her leaving. She became such an amazing DGM to my DD(1) and we had a relationship for the first time and I felt like I was getting to know her. I had concerns back then that she was drinking a bit much but other than that things looked really like they were going to work out.

She then "started" seeing another man, 3 or 4 months after the split (OM left his wife a few weeks before they told me they were seeing each other). There is a lot of speculation amongst everybody she knows as to whether they had been seeing each other for a while before this, possibly before my parents' split. She asked me to keep the relationship a secret from my DDad, meanwhile she totally dropped out of our lives. She lives in the same town but will go 2+ weeks without even asking to see me or DD, and when she does see us it's for 30-45 mins max as she has to go and do her hobby/go to the pub with her new BF/friends.

As for my DSis, she doesn't do any parenting whatsoever. DDis has stayed at DM's current accommodation 3 times since July, and DM doesn't pick her up from any activities or do any of the general "parenting" work. She has also dropped out of the helping she used to do at DSis' hobby. She occasionally takes her out for lunch.

She allocated 90 mins on Christmas Day for a combined visit to all of us at my house.

She went away for NY, got back today and DH caught her heading to the pub with new BF...no word from her about wanting to see us (where in the past she would ask us round to the family home for a big do on NYD).

I am 37 weeks pregnant and had asked her originally to be the person to look after DD when I have the baby, but DD has never stayed the night with her and barely sees her so I've had to ask my DDad to step in (though I'm having a home birth, so I am a bit apprehensive about having my DDad at the actual birth!). I can't rely on her to be around, or not have been drinking...and to be honest I don't really want to see her.

I just feel like giving up with her, but with her being the only mother I have I'm struggling to try and let go of that. DH's family aren't involved really so my DDad is the only DGP my daughter has.

AngryVagina Sun 01-Jan-17 19:12:12

Ah bugger, I still have my invisibility cloak on!

Anybody out there?

JohnLapsleyParlabane Sun 01-Jan-17 19:16:46

Sounds like a horrible situation. I'd focus on your own wee family, plus your dad and sister and just let your mum get on with it. She's clearly got different priorities right now and pushing for contact that she doesn't seem to want will only stress you out IMO.

AngryVagina Sun 01-Jan-17 19:31:10

I do keep thinking the same, I just don't know how to let that go. I'm so so angry at her, it's breaking my heart. She's my mum...and she doesn't want us.

JohnLapsleyParlabane Sun 01-Jan-17 23:51:23

Sadly one can't make people engage with family if they don't want to. flowers

ChocoChou Sun 01-Jan-17 23:55:18

I think going NC is a little extreme in this case....
have you talked to her about how you feel she's distant?

RedastheRose Mon 02-Jan-17 00:23:05

I don't think there are any easy answers here for you. If she doesn't want to be involved then you can't make her. She has left her old life behind and she has decided that her relationship with her new bf is more important to her at the moment. She may change in the future or regret what she has done but atm I think you should just get on with your life and don't put yourself out for her in the same way that she hasn't put herself out for you recently.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 02-Jan-17 02:41:11

It's a lot to process. She really hasn't cut you out of her life, she's just 'too busy' with her 'new life' and you're really left just dangling there, aren't you? There's just no closure for you since you don't know if or when she's going to decide to invite herself back in. I'm sure once the bloom is off this man she'll be calling and acting as if the past months never happened.

I don't think at this point I'd 'officially' go NC with her or 'give up' on her. I think I'd just take a few steps back from her and start living my life without her, iyswim. Don't invite her, don't call her, don't expect anything of her. Build yourself a life without her in it. Then if and/or when she wants back in, let her earn her way.

Can your dad take DD to his and would you be more relaxed if he did?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now