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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Controlling 13 yr old dd

26 replies

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 16:39

I am a single mum and struggling with my 13yr dd controlling attitude. I rarely go out and most of my time is devoted to her and her 15yr old brother. My lack of social life is getting me down and a good friend has just invited me to go to a club with her. It would be for 2 hours, twice a week and is something i really want to do, but my dd has kicked off, saying she doesnt want ne to go. She is always begging me to leave her at home other times and says she is old enough to stay home, which she does often for 2 or 3 hours, but suddenly she has announced she cannot be left!!
Should i resign myself and give in? Not sure what is the best way forward.

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cheesecadet · 01/01/2017 16:43

No don't give in!

cherrycrumblecustard · 01/01/2017 16:44

Is she actually being controlling?

I mean, when is it? If it's lateish at night she might be scared or nervy.

Milklollies · 01/01/2017 16:45

Does she get on with her 15yo brother?

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 16:52

Her and her brother get along ok, it wont be late, I will be back by 9. For the past year she has been happy to stay at home (refuses to come ) when I take her brother anywhere, often later. She is this way if ever I want to do anything, I have not helped, as have always given in, but lately she has developed a good social life and is frequently at friends, or we have her friends here. She also develops 'illness' if ever we do something she may not want to.
She has a hobby that takes up most of the weekends and I spend a lot of time driving her about and ensure we do lots of stuff together. Basically I feel she is becoming a spoilt brat. Dont know how to move forward.

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wobblywonderwoman · 01/01/2017 16:55

Don't give in.. You need to start making a life for yourself again

Ohdearducks · 01/01/2017 16:55

She does sound quite manipulative, just go and do your club you have to break the cycle of giving in.

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 16:58

Thanks. Obviously her welfare comes first, but that also means trying to teach her to think of others and be a decent person. My gut instinct is saying, don't give in - just wanted others opinion, so thank you for your advice.

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/01/2017 17:00

Definitely do your thing. Definitely.

balence49 · 01/01/2017 17:06

Don't give in! At some point I'm afraid that kids do have to realise that actually you are more than just their mum and are allowed a life too.

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 17:09

This is great! Thanks all of you. You are right, they cannot accept I have a life, that needs to change.

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eyebrowsonfleek · 01/01/2017 17:12

Tell her that she can sit in the corner with a book while you do your club activity. I bet she doesn't mind staying at home.

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 17:17

Great idea eyebrows! I have just told her that- she looked slightly horrified and said its not about being at home, its because she never sees me! I do work full time, but have not been out without them for over a year.

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/01/2017 17:24

Well she would see you if she sat at the side of the room.

Suggest doing something together on one of the other days.

Ohdearducks · 01/01/2017 17:25

Does she opt to stay home to spend time with you instead of friends? If no than I doubt she misses you that much.
Just be wary of further manipulation by trying to guilt you. If it's the opposite then you can make time for her and still do your club so everyone wins.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/01/2017 17:33

Exactly. The next time she wants to go out with her friends, ask her if she would prefer to stay home with you for time together.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2017 17:39

Stop being such a bloody sap

Who is actually in charge here ?

jeaux90 · 01/01/2017 18:16

I get it. Single mum to a dd.

I think you often over compensate right? It's really hard working full time (and I often travel) and managing to make sure they have enough time with you too.

I say to mine that i have to go for a swim/see friends/etc because it makes me happy/keeps me healthy and how would she feel if she couldn't see her friends/do her clubs/etc

I also let her know who the boss is

DailyFail1 · 01/01/2017 18:19

Be firm. She has 2 choices : come with you and sits in a corner with a book, or stays at home. Don't cancel your social life for her.

NotTheFordType · 01/01/2017 18:25

Is her dad around? How long is it since the split? Just wondering if she has an unconscious fear that you may meet someone or find an interest in life and disappear on her.

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 18:28

I think 2017 needs to be the year of change in this household, jeux you are spot on, I really do overcompensate and it needs to stop.
Thanks anyfucker- harsh, but true!
I have booked to go, and told dd that she needs to think about how important time with her friends is, and I need that too. She just shrugged, but I could see she was thinking about it.
It really is my fault we have got to this point, but I am determined to make changes, it's not even just about me going out, but also about making her less selfish.
We will get there.

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Crumbs1 · 01/01/2017 18:30

To be honest, a 13 year old (or anyone else for that matter) can only control you if you let them. Tell her not to be so silly and go out to enjoy yourself. Maybe get her a pizza delivery or something so she doesn't feel too rejected.

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 18:31

Not the ford- no her Dad is not around and she is terrified that I will meet soemone else. I would not do that, things were pretty horrendous here and her Dad left 2 years ago, she has limited contact. This is part of the reason i have devoted all my time to them, but at the end of the day it is mot doing her any favours. She knows the friend I am going with and hopefully after a few times will feel reassured.
I plan to make sure we do soemthing together the night after I go.

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Fartleks · 01/01/2017 18:31

She goes to her club at the weekend, it's only fair that you go to yours. If she kicks off about the club, refuse to take her to her weekend event.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2017 18:56

You sound like a lovely mum but you are entitled to your own life. And teens being teens, she will wipe the floor with you if you let her.

Funnylady123 · 01/01/2017 19:19

Thanks anyfucker, it's hard sometimes to see that she is just being a normal stroppy teen, I tend to overanalyse everything and put it down to the traumas of the past. Time to move on. I love them both more than anything, but need to build some normality into our lives and that means not enabling them 24/7.
Fartlecks- I have explained that she enjoys her club and I would like to think she would like me to have good experiences too. She shrugged and said 'you're too old to have fun'!

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