Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Abusive boyfriend

(16 Posts)
penelope01 Sun 01-Jan-17 14:14:27

Hello...have been in a relationship for a while with a man who is ex military (won't say anymore). He very quickly wanted to start a family/get married etc but doesn't want to spend any time with me (only saw him on the 23rd Dec and he stayed up drinking until about 3 in the morning and then started a fight because he said I was trying to control him because I was very tired and wanted to go to bed). The next day he said we could see one another in the days between Christmas and the new year but first he was ill, then his mother turned up and then he went out with a mate and now he's in London for the new year so I have finally taken him off my phone making it impossible for me to contact him again. It is so confusing...and while I am no expert from what I have seen personally I think he is suffering from combat stress and people I have confided in say he is nuts (as he has threatened to kill me). His previous partner cheated on him...now while I'm not condoning what she did but when I asked him a little about it he said he never called her when he was away on tour because in his words 'it is the quickest way to get shot thinking about home' ...he just doesn't get it...and I don't get this thing about him wanting me to have his child either unless it is just to keep me where he wants me. I admit to going on at him a bit but I don't think expecting someone to spend some time together over Christmas is a big ask. So that is why I have taken his number off my phone because even though I hate him more than I love him I am weak and it is the only way I can stop this sorry merry go round. Don't know what will happen next...any thoughts?

lollylou2876 Sun 01-Jan-17 14:20:49

It sounds like he is using combat stress to excuse his shirty behaviour.

It sounds like he is just not that into you, which is hard as you've invested time and energy.

Do u really want to be with someone who manipulatively uses the fact you were tired to say you are controlling. Which is gaslighting and a big red flag.

Olympiathequeen Sun 01-Jan-17 14:22:48

Run for the hills. He has serious problems. Don't make them yours.

penelope01 Sun 01-Jan-17 14:45:36

Thank you to you both...I know he has serious problems but don't think he sees himself as having combat stress or whatever is wrong so is never going to change and I know he is very manipulative...he tells me he isn't going anywhere (that I have him in my life) but then behaves like this....I did end it in early december and he got back into contact...have a feeling he will be back again once he turns his phone on and is no longer 'off grid'

Milklollies Sun 01-Jan-17 16:50:09

This is extremely rude but is a dose of reality that you need: run for your fucking life as this guy has issues. Tell him you're not interested anymore and don't think you can make him happy( sort of get out of jail card for you). Tell him to not contact you anymore. And remember it's better to be single, alive, and happy then miserable, abused and murderered. If you have an iPhone you can block his number. Happy new year!

AmeliaJack Sun 01-Jan-17 16:54:34

he has threatened to kill me

Run.

No man that loved you could say that.
No man that liked you could say that.
He wants you to have a child so that he can control you for the rest of your life

Run. Please.

Montane50 Sun 01-Jan-17 17:37:41

Totally run!
He may have ptsd, and it would be great if you could face it together. But i seriously doubt thats the reason why hes being a dick. Don't give in if he comes knocking later-stay strong and tell him to get lost

stumblymonkey Sun 01-Jan-17 17:45:36

You are not here to fix people.

You can't change him.

Relationships are supposed to be the place you feel the safest.

RUN. Do not entertain continuing to see this man.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 01-Jan-17 17:48:07

What will you do when he gets back in contact?

penelope01 Sun 01-Jan-17 17:58:01

Thank you everybody for your support. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me and the emotional bond I had with him is very weak at the moment...he has already messaged me back this afternoon saying I am doing his head in because I said we should leave it and told him I would not bother him again as removed his number...for the first time in months I haven't answered him and feel ok about that...(deep breath) as going to delete his number again...here goes

AmeliaJack Sun 01-Jan-17 18:03:04

Good for you. Block his number and block him from social media.

BubblingUp Sun 01-Jan-17 18:06:49

Good job. It doesn't matter what his issue is or how he got it - he isn't someone you want to be around ever again.

SVJAA Sun 01-Jan-17 18:14:40

I think you should run for the hills. Even if he does have PTSD, it's a hell of a thing for a partner to cope with. My BIL has it from Iraq, I love the bones of him as does DP, but it's hard going sometimes. DP understands because he did two tours of Iraq too, and we cannot even imagine what they saw. What I'm saying is that PTSD is a massive commitment for a long term partner to take on, never mind "just" a boy/girlfriend.
Alternatively, he doesn't have PTSD and is using it as an excuse for being a controlling, manipulative, aggressive dick. And faking PTSD is sickening.
Either way, you're best off well out of it.

LIZS Sun 01-Jan-17 18:24:36

I suspect you only have his version of what happened in previous relationship. He isn't that into you , don't allow his issues, whatever they may be, become yours. Move on.

HeavenlyEyes Sun 01-Jan-17 18:38:01

He threatened to kill you! You did call the police I hope? Why are you even entertaining any thought on this abusive thug. You need some counselling to figure out why the hell you tolerated one minute with him. And the Freedom Programme too so you never, ever make such an appalling choice ever again.

SittingAround1 Sun 01-Jan-17 18:41:18

I think what should happen next is you ignore all contact from him and go out, have fun & find yourself a non abusive, loving man.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now