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Friends :(

(88 Posts)
hotmessmom82 Sun 01-Jan-17 14:05:27

I'm 34, I am a single mum to 2 boys, work, pretty much no family, have moved all over the country until I had my sons. I am not (too) weird, find it easy to maintain a relationship but for the life of me I cannot find decent friends!

I don't know if I am missing some vital ingredient but I seem to meet people who are just on the take or end up being rather fake.

Stargirl82 Sun 01-Jan-17 14:06:54

Could well have been me writing this! Live with oh and 2 boys but constantly working. Friends never seem to stay! flowers

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 14:59:02

Yep. Same here. I thought I'd got some decent friends, but have found out over the past 2 weeks that I haven't.

I'm about 10 years older than you, OP. I think if I can get to this age without having a decent relationship or any friends, then it really must be me.

Pollyanna9 Sun 01-Jan-17 15:07:52

Jesus Christ same here.

I'm 50 now, very bright, quick witted, love to laugh, love a good debate, don't mind a good drink, like to chat about all sorts of things and a very loyal friend who will do anything for anyone if I can help them.

I too have had a lot of failure to launch rels like this or ones where I thought the person was sound only to find they are a flaky unreliable cowbag not worth my time.

If I can't even make a friend, Christ knows how I'm supposed to find a man!

I always seem to find that everyone I meet grew up in the area they live in and they all know this person and that person and they actually don't need any more friends (if that makes sense). There's no room for thee and me.

hotmessmom82 Sun 01-Jan-17 15:36:19

I think I must just be a mug haha. There's a couple of the mums at my eldests school, who I thought were OK, now I've realised its because I will do the school run when they are too tired (they don't work).

Pollyanna9 Sun 01-Jan-17 15:51:36

We deserve better dammit!

junebirthdaygirl Sun 01-Jan-17 15:54:09

I have moved around a bit and the best friends l have made have been people from abroad who have settled in that area. They are interested in making new friends, they are straight forward and direct about meeting up, they don't have history with other people in the area that l find out about months later. Made 3 really good friends this way.

thebakerwithboobs Sun 01-Jan-17 15:56:01

This is me!!! Moved to a new area in April due to my husband's job and work an hour away but not in a job where I can make friends with people and I'm so lonely. I've actually put on a lot of weight due to not doing my runs/bike riding I used to do with my friends so am thinking I might go to a slimming club to try and make friends. Would love a book club (you know, where you pretend to read the book but actually turn up and drink wine) or similar but no luck. What area are you in??

UnicornPee Sun 01-Jan-17 16:00:32

I am in the friendless boat too.

I have plenty of people I know type friends

Just none that I meet up with or make plans.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 16:02:02

pollyanna, I have the exact same thoughts re a man!

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 16:03:45

unicorn that's exactly it. I know quite a few people, but I don't have any friends.

Had one happy new year text. One.

EngTech Sun 01-Jan-17 16:05:47

Wow, comments above have made realise I am not alone smile

Friendship needs cultivating but, and it's a big but, I realised a fair few years ago that I was doing all the running/chasing so decided to stop chasing.

As a result, the "friends" I had, drifted away so I did not chase.

The true friends I do have, are not fair weather friends but there if I need them and can count them on one hand but at least I know they are true friends.

I think it is the hi tech stuff I.e. FB etc which has resulted in lack of actual communication.

Hmm, should we all form a club as we would all be in the same situation and we would get to know each other. wine

Problem solved smile

Lilyloo456 Sun 01-Jan-17 16:15:16

I'm in this boat too. Was (or so I thought) best mates with someone for a few years but for some unknown reason she fell out with me and didn't have the balls to tell me to my face what I had done. It's now I'm not friends with her I can see what she's really like, when I had money I was useful to her but when I didn't I wasn't. I work and tired and she's a single mum of three on benefits and was always wanting to go out. Now I see on her Facebook she's out loads with people she used to moan to me about. I don't miss her. Just annoyed with myself for not seeing her true colours. I have three friends that I count as proper friends who I've known for years but not a great deal and not a best friend. I don't know. It doesn't seem important as you get older.

lukasgrahamfan Sun 01-Jan-17 16:23:07

Same here. I love to meet up , have conversation, walks, cinema, have a laugh, like to listen and have a lot of time and empathy for people. Nothing doing though. People I know are paired up, or don't approach me to do anything...always me making the first move. I get upset, am isolated and lonely despite being friendly. My door is open to others, on the end of a phone and home most days. I listen to a couple of people I know doing things with others that they are too busy/tired/unwell to do with me.

My problem is probably that I'm an introvert, not pushy and prefer 1 2 1 interaction, not group situations. Apart from that I have no idea what I am doing wrong except that I have some restriction due to a health problem.

EngTech Sun 01-Jan-17 16:26:39

Hmmm, might have to book a bigger room if the numbers keep increasing and there is enough interest smile

schlong Sun 01-Jan-17 16:28:54

Maybe you're all still human and they've been replaced by opportunistic sociopathic synths? The narcissist to Trump them all will soon be the leader of the capitalist world. If we take our cues from our leaders no wonder there's a lack of good people.

mummymummums Sun 01-Jan-17 16:31:04

This time of year highlights the crap friendships. We've been great friends with two other families for 3 years, but felt that one of the families were nudging us out - I will call them family 1. We've had them over to ours 6-8 times at least for meals/BBQs without a single invite back, even though they invite family 2 and others. We've been to family 2 many times and felt we were good friends with them.
So we invited family 2 over between Xmas and NY for dinner on a date that suited them. They said No on the basis a friend was visiting from abroad for a few weeks and they don't know when he's about and want to fit around him confused They then offered a 'welcome to join us on NYE with family 1' half hearted afterthought invite. We declined and I feel pleased for that.
Have racked brains as to what we've done but have decided to give up with self respect intact. We haven't seen any of them over Xmas.
People who want you in their lives will make time for you.
There's lots of people out there who'll want you and value you. If friendships are hard work, leave you feeling hurt or left out regularly, or just like bottom priority, it's time to walk onwards to better things.

EngTech Sun 01-Jan-17 16:42:01

Spot on Mummymummums, what you said I could not have put it better 😀👍

mummymummums Sun 01-Jan-17 16:47:22

Thank you EngTech smile

MyChocolateJacuzzi Sun 01-Jan-17 17:03:28

Same here. Ive had a couple of school mums become really friendly with me but I've realised it's only because I've been an unpaid childminder for them! Since I've made excuses not to have their kids, surprise surprise, I barely hear from them. Also I'm quite a quiet person and prefer walks, cinema/theatre trips, eating and mooching round garden centres etc but most people I know want to go into town and get rat-arsed in big groups that's just not my thing! Would love to have a couple of good reliable lifelong pals!

someonescj Sun 01-Jan-17 17:09:41

I have one best friend, she's wonderful but doesn't enjoy doing social stuff at all, her idea of a day out is walking around our local high street or taking the kids somewhere tacky and over priced, all the happy new year messages I received were multi contact messages from colleagues.
Anyone else I've thought was a friend were people just using me waiting for something/someone better to come along, it sucks sad

AhYerWill Sun 01-Jan-17 17:19:20

Yep, another one here. Main issue is that I just don't meet any new people in my demographic and not really sure where people go to meet new friends? I wfh in a self employed role, so don't meet people that way, all my hobbies seem to be dominated by 50something men (I'm female and 34) - the guys are all lovely, but not really a substitute for female friends. I also live hours away from where I went to school/uni etc so no nearby 'old' friends I can regularly meet up with.

Open to trying new things/hobbies etc just a bit clueless as to where all the 30something women are. I guess not having kids is part of the issue - am more than happy to have friends with kids, but I can't really go hang around the school gates to try and meet people...

Montane50 Sun 01-Jan-17 17:22:49

I have a few people i thought were good friends, recently something trivial happened and i asked on a group whatsapp for their support (in the form of backing me up on a club email that was slating me, despite all my friends agreeing i was right). I won't fall out with them, but in future i won't invest any more of my time. On the flip side, an ex colleague 15 years my junior is the best friend i could ever hope for.
My advice? Dont go looking for friends just let it happen naturally

Pollyanna9 Sun 01-Jan-17 18:23:55

What you say EngTech.

I moved away from two different areas in the past 8 years and neither friend (and they were really really good friends - I thought) made the effort to keep in touch with me, apparently I had to do it all.

Then I have people who I consider good acquaintances or whom I've worked with and I've got meals out sorted and so on - but since I switched jobs and also didn't make any efforts to organise nights out, there have been no nights out! And I bet the two colleagues I'm thinking about met up just them!

I even tried - oh dang this senile dementia, can't remember the name of it - it's a group that does activities every week, it'll come to me. But you go and leave and everyone just goes off in their own direction either with the friend they came with (salt, wounds) or on their own or back to their flatmates or DP. Same with Parkrun - had conversations there but no one ever says oh Pollyanna, you're a right laugh, shall we have a glass of wine (male or female!!).

EngTech you have made me laugh.

You know, if I had a true friend I wouldn't really be bothered about trying to find a man, a loose 'resolution' I've made for this year! I'm actually having to switch my thinking around say to myself well, you can't make a friend, perhaps you can meet a bloke instead. And since we're on MN we all know what a cesspool or choice there is out there and how unlikely it is that we will ever meet that person that's meant for us, decent but not completely boring or shit in bed. So really, I've got no answers.

I just find everywhere I go, everyone is already friended up and has history. Sadly where I live is not a magnet for ex pats or folk with the mindset of people like that who go out of their way to chat and make friends without agenda or previous loyalties.

I work in hospitals filled with Drs and Consultants - 99% of which you wouldn't touch with barge pole, and even the nice people (women) that I meet in the course of my work, no one ever seems to think old Polllyanna is a viable option to be mates with or go for a drink with - now tell me, am I using the wrong deoderant or what?

The problem Montane is looking or not looking, I'm still friendless sad.

Pollyanna9 Sun 01-Jan-17 18:25:12

I've felt quite glum NYE/today. I don't normally - I just keep ploughing ahead and don't let anything get to me but I am fed up and just cannot figure out anything other than my pathetic idea of looking for a new fella.

I don't know if I have the strength.

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