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Is this normal?

(17 Posts)
Inadither Sun 01-Jan-17 10:02:59

DH has always been resistant to change and quite cagey about finances. When we got together and new things were fairly serious I didn't want to move in with him before we got married ( no one in my family had done this and I felt like a black sheep of the family and also liked the idea of setting up first home together after marriage). It got to the point where it was either move in or spilt. I moved in against my wishes but didn't want to spilt. Move on a few years we had a stressful year with the prospect of redundancy v relocation hanging over us. It was edging towards a house move and relocation to another country. I was stressed and oh wanted a holiday. I said I didn't want to go as there was so much to organise and I really felt like going away would make me feel worse only to be told that he was going anyway. It was a holiday that he could not go on his own to, so I ended up going. I semi enjoyed it but ended up having to take unpaid leave as I didn't have enough left to tide us over during the move.
His relocation gave him a bounty. I don't know how much this was but he 'gifted' me £2000 to add to my personal savings so that I could put in an equal amount in to the deposit on our new home. Our finances are separate and he controls the joint bank account as I organise most of the day to day stuff. I probably should take more interest.
When we had children I waited the year he wanted to wait as he wanted to do work related stuff first. This didn't come off and the date got pushed back so I ended up waiting 3 years at which point I was like a crazy lady and feeling bonkers for being so desperate by then to start our family. I have a few things I would like for myself ( pet) and he simply says 'no', he doesn't want to. We now have x2 dc. He is jealous of my relationship with them and when he asks things like 'can I have a hug' or do you want to hold daddy's hand' hey often say they want mummy. He gets huffy and says 'oh, no one wants daddy, what's so special about mummy?'. The need for physical contact seems to be more about him than their needs. TBH I am thinking I want out and will leave him this year but am wondering if this is all normal or do I have unreasonable expectations? I shudder at any physical contact and we have just had a miserable new year as I can barely speak to him. He gets on better with my own family than I do as he can be charming.

Inadither Sun 01-Jan-17 10:05:24

*Our finances are separate but we have a joint account for bills.

Squeegle Sun 01-Jan-17 10:09:46

Not normal. Very controlling. Time for a change I think.

Inadither Sun 01-Jan-17 10:18:45

I just end up feeling guilty when I push for what I want. He can be very generous paying for said holidays and buying expensive gifts. He's also supported me through mat leave without complaint but was insistent prior to this that I return to work. I worry about the children being on their own with him although if I'm not there he won't be needing to 'compete' for their favour.

Joysmum Sun 01-Jan-17 10:19:15

You've normalised putting yourself last. Many people do and are unhappy for it. Trying to find the balance and compromise so that everyone has their self needs met is what should be normal.

Squeegle Sun 01-Jan-17 10:40:40

Marriage is all about compromise I believe. He sounds like he is not keen on compromise and has little empathy. That sounds kind of hard to live with.

Heirhelp Sun 01-Jan-17 10:45:47

You say he is generous but if you don't know how much he earns then may not be.

If you want to solve these issues you need tackle one thing at time. What do you think is fair? DH and I are a partnership. When we are paid we each keep back the same amount of money as our 'pocket money' to spend on yourselves eg clothes, hair cuts, going out or whatever we want. Anything joint eg bills, baby classes, DD clothes or things for the kitchen come out of the joint account.

keepingonrunning Sun 01-Jan-17 10:45:52

DH calls all the shots. From what you say he is very controlling, immature and narcissistic. You will always face an up-hill battle getting your needs met which, long term, will impact on your wellbeing. Some people get a thrill from depriving you of the things you would like most e.g. a baby, a pet.
He must be frustrated that he can't control the affections of your DC. Where will they end up in the family pecking order? Definitely not first, that spot is taken by DH.
They way he sees things, he will always be in the driving seat of your relationship and your job is to tag along as the passenger.
I doubt this is the give-and-take template for a relationship you want to model for your children.

keepingonrunning Sun 01-Jan-17 10:54:30

You are vulnerable to being stitched up: financially - you don't have the full picutre; and emotionally - ingratiating himself with your family so they will have difficulty believing you and supporting you when you tell them he puts on a convincing facade and you want out. He is trapping you.

keepingonrunning Sun 01-Jan-17 10:58:47

Before you take any steps or make any noises you MUST get a better picture of all your family's income and assets. If he is hiding assets now, he will continue to hide them in a divorce and you will get 50% of hardly anything.

Inadither Sun 01-Jan-17 12:06:21

TBH he has some aspergers traits. Have a rough idea of his income just not savings so much. I'm open about my finances but initially just accepted that everyone has different attitudes. He is very cagey to and when I've asked in the past I feel like he thinks I'm a gold digger, so I haven't asked in recent years. I worry that he'll put his needs first when it comes to the children. My dc2 is particularly bonded to me and I think would probably take a 50/50 spilt in residency badly. I over heard a conversation with the dc in the car recently saying 'who do you like best? Mummy or daddy?' The answer was 'mummy' with the other saying 'me too'. I didn't respond as the conversation didn't involve me and tbh I don't feel that I should force them to feel something that they don't towards him. I know if they had the choice they would rather spend more time with me. It was awkward though. TBH I'm not sure I want to fight for the marriage any more. I'd be going in to counselling with a view to trying to finish amicably. I think he'll be bloody awkward though.

keepingonrunning Sun 01-Jan-17 12:28:17

If he's the self-absorbed type there's a good chance looking after DC 50% of the time would get in the way of him doing what he wanted and he would lose interest, even if he initially fought for 50% residency in an effort to exert control over you and them.

0dfod Sun 01-Jan-17 12:44:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inadither Sun 01-Jan-17 13:41:26

He was adamant that our resources were not to be pooled when we moved in together. I think he learns a rule from others, 'so and so does this, so that's how things should work' and then applies it rough shod to our relationship even when I raise other ideas/wishes. I don't think he thinks he can trust me with money. I have no debt, never had much but I don't save as much as he thinks I should. I'm a spender but within what I can afford. I'd rather spend on the children. We had a row before Christmas as I'd had an idea for their presents which he didn't want to do so I suggested he sorted out their gifts this year. He sounded excited. 1 week later he was asking me for ideas confused. As he has history for not doing what he says he will. I ended up going'sod it, I may as well sort this out myself '. I then got told off for buying too much. I spent £70-80 each on them. I realise it's a lot for some but some of his colleagues were buying their children iPads.

keepingonrunning Sun 01-Jan-17 17:05:35

I don't think he thinks he can trust me with money
I have a bad feeling this is projection. He doesn't trust you with money because he knows you shouldn't trust him with money.
Take copies of any financial documents you can get hold of and store them at a relative's for safekeeping.
To try to get DH to reveal his salary, bonus, savings, pension can you suggest, "New year, financial overhaul" and book an appointment for you both with an independent financial adviser? Ask him to do it if he wants to feel in control but make sure it's an IFA to scan the whole of the financial products market. Say you read it was a good idea in some respected publication. It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to safeguard yours and DCs financial future by reviewing pensions, savings, investments and to ask what happens if he dies, you die, you both die together.

Inadither Fri 13-Jan-17 23:14:27

Well taking my own and others advice I have been doing some digging and getting interested in our finances. Something doesn't add up. He told me when I went back to work that he'd calculated our contribution to the joint account to leave us with the same money left over each month. I've just looked at his tax return and it appears that he has £400 more than me a month. He does stump up a bit more money if we go over drawn but there appears to be the odd few £100 here and there being transferred in to his account over the last 6 months that I am unaware of why. I'm not fuming yet as there's probably an explanation. How do I go about broaching this? If I transfer money to my account I always let him know and what it's for.....maybe I should be cross and this is the 'get out' I need. I might phone my lawyer friend tomorrow for advice as he'll make me think I'm bonkers.

keepingonrunning Sat 14-Jan-17 11:10:52

I think your instinct is telling you it's suspicious behaviour and another red flag.
Do some more digging to look for credit cards, bank accounts, expensive 'hobbies' you don't know about. Sometimes it turns out to be a nice slush fund for himself, other times its gambling, OW, sex workers.
I would not tip him off you have questions yet as he may take steps to hide anything he is hiding better. Sooner or later he will have slipped up and made mistakes.

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