I'm posting this as it's something that's bothered me increasingly as I've got older. I'm in my 30s now and can see friends with kids which has made me think about it even more. It is going to sound like such a small thing, but here goes..
My patents have never given me time to talk about anything. Examples; when I was bullied st school I stopped wanting to go in and one evening they went mad shouting and saying you should have talked to us. I began to talk to them and within minutes my mum said it was bedtime now and she was too tired to talk and I should have talked earlier. Maybe she had a point, but I was only 12 and it was something I was embarrassed about and hadn't talked about it until that point. The following day I tried to talk to them again and we did talk, but it was on a strict time frame. What I mean by that is as soon as ANYTHING happened that my mum or dad preferred to address, the conversation would stop. For instance, the phone would ring or they would seemingly get bored and want to 'get on with their day.' I don't mean general chats, I mean times when I needed my mum or dad to talk to about something specific. Another time I wanted to talk to my mum about being worried about swimming at school, and I began telling her in the car one day to the supermarket. As soon as we arrived she wanted the conversation to stop immediately. It always felt as if I was in the way, or was in a strict time frame and therefore not important enough for her to give to her time to talk. Other times she would shut a conversation down for coronation street or emerdale, and would explicitly tell me we could 'speak again in the ad breaks.'
It still happens now, and of course I'm old enough to seek support elsewhere but it stings that my parents cannot provide it. Recently I had a terrible time at work and I broke down one afternoon one weekend when they asked about it over lunch at their house. This was unusual for me as I rarely talk to my parents anymore about such things. The first four or five minutes they listened and engaged with me about it, then my mum said 'don't ruin lunch now, think about something else,' and just got up from her seat to get a drink. At this point I was in tears and wished I had pretended all was well.
I know this sounds so petty. And I'm lucky to even have family around me, and I know that if I don't like the way my family provide soppprt, then it's up to me to find it from friends - and I have some brilliant friends who do just that. I don't know why I struggle with it so much. I guess it's always felt I was an inconvenience, that I would be fitted in rather than prioritised. As I've got older I've found that strange as I don't see it in my friends with their children. But my parents certainly weren't bad parents.
I suppose my question really is... am I being too sensitive about this? Why does it feel worse as I get older and think back?
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Why does this part of my childhood hurt more as I get older?
Lollysuns · 01/01/2017 09:36
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