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Advice please

(17 Posts)
Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 08:41:32

For context we have two dc aged 2 and 6. Married for three years . We have had an awful year and awful Christmas . After a minor disagreement my dh called me a mental bitch and told me how crazy I am . This is a regular pattern after every argument . He called his mother and repeated how mad I am ( knew I was listening ) she then started leaving me voicemails telling me I have to stop this and how miserable I am making the children. I am not the one having angry rages and name calling . Or is it me ? Is this normal in arguments ? I want to leave as I can't take this anymore and I want the children to have the best childhood they can have . Dh is a great provider and is generous but has this side to him , what can I do ? He won't go for marriage therapy as he says I start things . He won't leave the house. . I am trapped

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 08:45:59

I am a sahm with no money . House is in both names

MrsBertBibby Sun 01-Jan-17 08:51:50

If he's such a great provider, how come you have no money?

worldsworstchildren Sun 01-Jan-17 08:55:20

First conversation should be with his mother to tell her she is not helping by interfering and leaving you messages.

He sounds highly manipulative I'm afraid. Painting a picture of you of you to other people.
Hopefully someone wiser will be along with more advice shortly.

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 08:55:28

I mean disposable income if we leave

Notsleepingeveragain Sun 01-Jan-17 08:58:37

It is his mother though. Its not like he is telling everyone you're like that.

I think if you really want to leave him you need to ask family/friends to help. You can look for work.

The shock of you actually goingf might kick start him if you do want to save the relationship.

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 08:58:56

I have told her what he calls me and she just ignores and doesn't acknowledge it. His parents are divorced and dh witnessed this kind of thing growing up so I thought she would understand . She has told me in the past he is verbally abusive towards her in an argument but she obviously doesn't care as it's only me !!! Makes me feel very worthless

worldsworstchildren Sun 01-Jan-17 08:59:38

Well you will have disposable income because he will have to pay you maintenance. Please don't let that block your happiness.

There is a benefits calculator online you can use where you type in all your current details and it can tell you what you might be entitled to. I think there is also one where it can work out how much maintenance you will be entitled to.

Hopefully if you start with baby steps like looking at these things they will help you see a way forward.

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 09:01:17

But it is normal for men to name call like this ? Am I over reacting ? I have been called the c word too. If my son spoke like that to his partner I would be telling him it's not acceptable

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 09:04:38

He acts normal afterwards and it's hard for me to get over . I went to bed at 9pm last night ( great new year) and just cried as I am so miserable . His mum thinks he is am amazing husband , I don't have any family I can speak to about this .

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 09:06:43

Thanks I do appreciate all the help

LIZS Sun 01-Jan-17 09:06:42

No it isn't. He's bullying and emotionally abusive. She may recognise his behaviour but has accepted it as she was conditioned by her ex to do. Don't rely on her support. Are there cultural influences at play too?

GTS Sun 01-Jan-17 09:08:27

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years. He has never called me names or bad mouthed me to his mother. It is emotionally abusive and most definitely not normal. I would really seriously evaluate the relationship and question if this is behaviour you would like your children to grow up witnessing. For me it would be counselling or we're done. End of.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 01-Jan-17 09:19:10

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

No man is above the law here and you are married to this person; you can divorce him. You are more powerful in this relationship than you think you are.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here; currently they are seeing the same damaging lessons as your own DH did as a child. And look how he has been affected long term. Do not leave this as a legacy to your children.

Counselling for your own self and without him would be helpful. Joint counselling is a non starter here anyway due to the abuse he metes out towards you, also he has told you he won't go to marriage therapy as you "start things".

Your H grew up seeing verbal and emotional abuse within the home and has simply repeated what he saw with you. HIs mother is of no use or ornament whatsoever. Ignore her comments. She was conditioned by her H to accept this from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 01-Jan-17 09:19:41

Womens Aid are also worth contacting here; 0808 2000 247.

Heirhelp Sun 01-Jan-17 09:22:52

Why do you have no money? If you don't have access to money that you are also being financially abused.

Name calling in a relationship is not normal.

Sycamore76 Sun 01-Jan-17 09:43:59

I do have access to money , just not large amounts . He is not financially abusive at all . His family are very wealthy and I am worried he will get an amazing solicitor and get the kids if we divorce ! I have put up with this for years as I have just thought of all the positive but I don't feel I can do it anymore . I dread holidays , family time when we are all together . I can't wait for next week when I am
On my own with the dc again. This is no life is it ?

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