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Do I start again?

(81 Posts)
HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 08:29:27

My DP and I have been together almost 2 years and I'm 18 weeks pg, I also have 3 older children. We had a up and down start to the relationship, a relationship that no one knew about for a year so it never affected my children.

My ex husband was emotionally abusive and continues to be difficult, so when I was free of him I spent 18 months getting the 'me' back that he'd tried to kill off. I lost weight, started going out again, had friends and hobbies. I've just lost all that hard work and myself again this year.

My DP doesn't like going out to the places I feel comfortable and after a termination of a pregnancy we had in May last year I sort of lost the will to go myself. It was easier to stay in. We're a lot more stable now in general but he has a drinking problem (always has done, a highly functional alcoholic since 16, possibly younger) that he is seeing the doctor about this week to try and combat. It sounds selfish but for two years my life has revolved around his drinking, ( had too much, had too little, hungover etc) I'm bored of it. Every time we've done anything, gone anywhere, every night when we're in. It's always been about how that's his 'identity.'

Our sex life has gone downhill massively, he doesn't ever initiate or seem bothered by it. That affects me a lot as I love sex with him and miss having the closeness that gave us. He's quite emotionally cold at times so this was the only time we felt on an even playing field. I miss feeling attractive and wanted.

He poured his remaining alcohol down the sink last night and cried because he felt so emotional about it. I've never inspired that kind of response, he just turns into a martyr if I confront him over any issues I have, there's always a reason or an excuse why it's actually my fault. Just like with my ex.

After thinking for a long time, I think I've put my finger on why this is affecting me so much atm. I used to have lots of male friends ( some FB's, but still friends) and for the 18 months after my ex they built my confidence up and gave me a reason to get out of the house. Since I became the boring fat pregnant lady, obviously this doesn't happen. I miss it, I miss my friends. I miss feeling fun, confident, attractive and wanted for my company. I don't often feel like that with my DP. So I've just kinda retreated into myself. So I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave right as he's trying to fix the problem that's blighted us for so long. Neither do I want to spend next NYE with a 6m old without one text from a friend to make me feel valued, or to let myself lose another year of the life she fought for for so long. I just don't know if I can be myself with him.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:02:21

Any advice welcome.

luckylucky24 Sun 01-Jan-17 09:06:05

There don't seem to be any reasons to stick this one out...I think you should do what is best for you and leave.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 09:15:19

Not been together for even 2 years; already had a terminated pregnancy; existing children didn't know until a year; you were pregnant again only a few months after they learnt of the relationship; he's an alcoholic; you don't have sex; he's emotionally cold... You rely on male friends (some only FB friends) to make you feel confident and give you a reason to get out of the house.


It sounds far too chaotic. Slow down. Calm down. Leave him. Focus on the children. Get some counselling to address the validation you need from these other men. And take things more slowly next time. Much more slowly.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:26:59

It's not quite as bad as that. There were reasons for the terminated pregnancy, it was wanted not a frivolous mistake. Children didn't know as there reasons for that too, mostly to protect them should the relationship not survive the shaky first year. I never said we don't have sex, just that he doesn't initiate. I've known him 7 years, lived with him for 2, all before we got together. Not exactly 'jumped in.' He's always struggled emotionally. I don't rely on male friends anymore, I don't have any!! That's the point. I just get on better with men, would happily go out with women friends but I don't have them either. My male friends were just nice people who I could call up to go for a drink and karaoke. That's what I miss. And the being able to dress how I like, not like a mumsy frump. That's what made me feel happy. I just feel I've lost my way a bit. Had 14 years of councelling to date.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:29:28

To explain the living together before being together, he was my lodger, even before I split with my ex husband. He's known my children since birth due to knowing him as long as I have. That's why we kept it a secret so as not to unsettle them. If we hadn't worked he would have moved out and they would have been none the wiser.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:31:52

And I haven't actually gone out and lived how I used to since May. Not relying on anyone to get me out of the house, I'm either at work, home ending my eldest, at the hospital with my son for medical issues or asleep. Just very tired right now.

RacoonBandit Sun 01-Jan-17 09:35:03

You will not find your way because you are blindly following your partner.

A functioning alcoholic is no better than an alcoholic it is just a way of making sound like they are not a drunk and can control it. They are a drunk and they can't control it.

Alcohol abuse is ruining his life, your life and it will ruin the baby's.
He has been dependant on booze since he was 16 and he's not quit yet do you really want this to be yours and your child life for the next 20 years?

My advice is tell him to move out and get try. It is up to him to prove he can be a good partner and father it is not up to you to make him one because you will sadly fail.

RacoonBandit Sun 01-Jan-17 09:35:17

*get dry

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:39:40

No, I agree about the alcohol. TBH, I have no idea how he's stayed as functional as he has.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 09:45:15

Ok, not to nit pick, just holding up a mirror because I still think some of your decisions are worrying. Probably more worrying because they were thought out decisions.

Why were you planning a baby with someone you were in a new relationship with when you already had 3 children?

Not introducing the children for a year is sensible, but planning babies in that year seems like madness! Did it not occur to you that the children would need time to come to terms with this? It's fine that he knew you already and the children knew him, but the dynamics of that relationship were completely different. Did you not think that your new 'family' might need to settle before a new member was introduced?

And if you had known him and lived with him as your lodger for that long, could you not see what a problem his drinking was? Or anticipate it might become a greater problem in the future?

Seriously, I would write this relationship off and get rid of him and not be in so much of a hurry next time.

RacoonBandit Sun 01-Jan-17 09:51:43

TBH, I have no idea how he's stayed as functional as he has.

Well he hasn't has he?
Your relationship is barely working he cannot manage relationships or his own emotions just because he is not sleeping on the street does not mean he is functioning.

Is he ever sober?
Does he work?

Seriously you need to ask him to leave and sort himself out. I am not saying end the relationship but your priority isn't him anymore it is your unborn child and the children you already have.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:55:32

I don't see it as being in a hurry, I'd known him for a long time but we lived very separate lives. I often didn't see him for several days. We weren't planning a baby, I came off my contraception as I was having unexplained bleeding and my new method failed. We decided to keep the baby at first but my extreme antenatal depression caused me to terminate on medical advice. The children knew nothing. During that time things changed for us and we became a lot closer. We decided to seek medical advice about conceiving again in the future and I went back onto contraception. After the doctor cleared me to try again, we did. It happened on the first try, which was fine and we've had no problems with this pregnancy. So we'd had 9 months as a family, which worked for us. The children are thrilled and have already named their brother and assigned jobs to help out with him. My issue with him isn't anything to do with them, he's put in a lot of time with all of them, and not under the influence. I admit I've been blind to the alcohol problem, which is why his reaction last night caused me to post.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 09:57:40

He's never been emotionally open, not unusual. He has a full time job as a supervisor in a warehouse. No problems there. He is sober throughout every day, drinks to excess at night. Though I suppose his tolerance is different due to prolonged drinking.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 10:01:31

Also I'll add on the subject of my antenatal depression that I'm not a wreck the majority of the time. The combination of my body not settling from the contraception I was on and then the pregnancy sent my system into overdrive. It was an unusual reaction my doctor said

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 10:01:43

There were reasons for the terminated pregnancy, it was wanted not a frivolous mistake.

We weren't planning a baby, I came off my contraception as I was having unexplained bleeding and my new method failed

It was an unintended pregnancy at the very early stages of a relationship that was being kept hidden (and for the right reasons) with an alcoholic.

And still doesn't account for the fact that you don't seem to see that because you and he knew the relationship was happening, and had known each other for a long time, that your children might have needed a more gentle introduction to the new family set up.

Were you not concerned about the ante natal depression, that was so severe you felt the need to terminate the first pregnancy, would recur in the second pregnancy as it happened again so quickly?

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 10:03:29

Ah slight x post, re ante natal depression, but even so...

Obviously, we are all free to make the life choices we choose, but I do wonder why so many people women make life choices, that were predictably problematic, and then wonder why they have a problem.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 10:03:41

No, we were open about the relationship at that time. Kids had responded well. We said nothing of the pregnancy.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 10:04:29

I don't wonder why I have a problem. I just wonder what my reaction to it should be.

RacoonBandit Sun 01-Jan-17 10:05:52


With each post you are making excuses can you not see that?

What do YOU want to happen?

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 10:07:32

Oh and to add, my ex PILs are functioning alcoholics. They have been since my exh was born when they were teens. They're now approaching 60 and it's shocking.

I have friends who are 10 years older than they are and go hill walking, socialise, have hobbies, are fun... and ex pils are just two cantankerous old people who bicker and squabble and get drunk and throw things at each other. Every evening and every weekend.

They both work full time, but they are barely functioning. They have no quality of life whatsoever. Is that really what you want for yourself and your children?

My exh says it's infuriating and heartbreaking at the same time. They are far older then their years and it's been a waste of their lives.

Don't choose that for yourself or your children.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 10:08:34

I honestly don't feel the children had any problem adjusting, because they had also known him since birth and because he already lived here. Nothing ever really changed except he slowly spent more time with them when they asked him to, when they were ready. He now spends time with them at their clubs, does school pick ups, looks after them when they're sick. He drinks when they go to bed, and that's where it's excessive, and then he goes to work the next day.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 10:09:42

I suggested what I thought your reaction should be in my first post:

It sounds far too chaotic. Slow down. Calm down. Leave him. Focus on the children. Get some counselling to address the validation you need from these other men. And take things more slowly next time. Much more slowly.

This would be my reaction. Ok, you have counselling in place already and no longer have contact with these men you sought validation from, but you've already said you miss it and them making you feel attractive.

So get rid of the dead wood in your life and start living again.

HormonalChicken Sun 01-Jan-17 10:10:31

I don't excuse his alcoholism, I have been blind to how bad it was. I just don't agree that it's damaged my other children, just me and him. Which is why I'm trying to address this before his own child arrives.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sun 01-Jan-17 10:10:40

Does he drive to work after drinking excessively the day before?

Are his employers aware that he's turning up to work, where he is responsible for managing/supervising other people, drunk?

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