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How do you know if marriage is normal

(9 Posts)
SweetPeaPods Sat 31-Dec-16 17:41:45

Dh and I have been married 6 years, together 11. 2dc under 4.
How do you know if a marriage is worth fighting for and what I'm feeling is just a normal feeling of being too tired, both got lazy with each other etc.
I really miss that feeling of excitement, and being really attracted to each other.
I know we need to make more time for each other and 2dc, working full time opposite shifts and the usual winter bugs don't help. If you have been with your DH/DP for similar time is what I'm feeling unusual or about right? Sorry I don't feel I've worded any of this very well.

MakeItRain Sun 01-Jan-17 02:51:16

I was with my ex a similar amount of time when I realised my marriage wasn't normal. But that was because he was increasingly abusive and I'd spent a few years minimising and normalising his behaviour.

I think it's normal to get tired and lose the spark when you have young children. If you know your husband is basically a kind person who loves you I would say your marriage is normal and you should stick with it. You begin to get more time for yourself as your children get older. It's when the reason for a lack of spark is due to a lack of respect that it's not "normal". flowers

fatasbutter Sun 01-Jan-17 08:20:33

I am having a similar problem too - sorry I really am not sure any more what is 'normal'!! Marriage can be hard and needs a lot of work, but the problem I am having is that recognition of a problem and making a plan to put it right is not my DH's strong suit!
I hope someone with better experience comes along to help soon! X

TheSparrowhawk Sun 01-Jan-17 08:30:51

It is totally normal to get into a rut and feel a bit bored - as long as both partners are willing to put in effort you can reconnect and get the old feeling a back.

It's not normal to feel stressed, ignored, resentful, angry, belittled, scared, upset or any other genuinely negative emotion due to what your partner does.

Scooby20 Sun 01-Jan-17 08:32:39

I think it helps to talk to others. But pick the others carefully. I know lots of people who will make out their marriage is still exciting, incredibly romantic etc when its not. Which can leave you feeling shit.

Me and dh split around the 7 year mark. We were convinced marriage shouldnt be as hard as it was. We had a small child, life was boring, spark was gone etc

After a few months apart we realised that actually it was hard work with anyone and life was boring because we had responsibilities. Those responsobilities didnt disappear because we split. Dd still needed us both. We needed to work harder at getting the spark back.

Another 8 years later and we are still together have another child who is 5 and life is just getting better and better. We have more time for eachother now the kids are older, life is getting easier again.

I dont think there is a definite answer to your question. Sometime marriages may not have anything really wrong but just not work. Some marriages may seem boring but just need more work.

Joysmum Sun 01-Jan-17 09:50:43

I don't think this is so much about what's normal as it is about what is desirable and what is acceptable long term. Normal is seems to me is being stuck in a rut and lacking time for each other. Normal to me isn't acceptable long term.

So it's about thinking back to what you thought marriage would be when you decided to get married. Talking to each other about your desires and being honest about whether they are compatible and whether you both are willing to do something differently to change how things currently are and move towards what you want them to be.

It takes honesty and effort on both sides. If one of you can't or isn't willing then you either put up and shut up and accept things will continue to drift, or you make plans to end the marriage and create the opportunity to be single and possibly find a better relationship in future.

DorindaJ Sun 01-Jan-17 10:04:35

What is normal in a basically good relationship,and what is normal in a dysfunctional relationship are two very different things.

Essentially, I think, it boils down to whether you 'in it together' the difficulties, and the good times. Do you feel you are the only one doing all the work to get the relationship back on track?

In my view and my experience, it's the little things, the small regular acts of kindness to each other, that indicate whether a relationship good or not.

BrieAndChilli Sun 01-Jan-17 10:09:57

I've been with DH 16 years and we often have periods when we feel like that. We have 3 kids 10,8 and 6 so life is constantly busy and noisy and chaotic. A couple of times a year kids go to MIL for a few days for holiday childcare or we go away overnight occasionally (DH work do which is paid for) and we always get on really well when it's just us and there's no kids to deal with so it helps us to realise that 'we' are ok and the spark and love is still there it's just normal life that grinds us down. Really helps to keep us on track.

SweetPeaPods Sun 01-Jan-17 19:52:23

Thanks for the replies. He's definitely not abusive or anything. He is really grating on me at the minute though. All the little things. How often he passes wind, how noisily he chews etc. I'm sure we just need to spend more time together but guess the new year has just got me thinking about what I want. He's a great dad and I really don't want to ruin our family set up but things need to change I think.

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