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Should I leave my unsatisfying in bed partner?

(127 Posts)
user1483196132 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:06:25

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We have a one year old child together.

Our problems pretty much started at the conception of our relationship. We had our son very early on in the relationship, before we really even knew each other properly. Our sex life has never been very good, he doesn't like oral sex, or using hands, or anything other than basically 'stick it in'. He's not a fan of being adventurous e.g. having it outdoors, in the car or even different positions. He's not into toys, or dress up, I've literally tried to suggest everything.

We probably have sex once a month if that. It is a very rare event.

He doesn't ever give me orgasms because he says he doesn't enjoy touching a woman, or giving oral sex. He has got a little better lately, he will at least attempt to touch me down there, but never for long enough to satisfy me. I've tried to discuss this with him many times, but he never seems to take notice. He never says 'right tonight I am going to make sure I satisfy you', or anything like that. I've tried to show him websites, hell I have even offered for him to watch me please myself so he can learn but he is not interested.

Most of the time he will roll over after he is finished, and I will sort myself out whilst he goes to sleep.

He used to have a big problem with porn, but as far as I am aware he has stopped watching it now. That also caused a lot of tension in our relationship.

I've really started to resent him. This has made me dislike him as a person as I feel he is selfish. I find myself craving for another man to satisfy me, to show me attention and make me feel attractive. Whenever I go to bars or pubs (which is obviously rare given I have a young child), I love it when I get attention from other men. I feel like it's a massive confidence boost and something I am missing from my relationship with my partner.

I am only 23 and I am sat here thinking, is this it? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? sad

Justmuddlingalong Sat 31-Dec-16 15:09:45

If you stay, then yes, this is what your life will be like. Don't waste another year. flowers

TheNaze73 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:09:57

Life's too short. You'll end up hating him. I'd bin him off, it'll be an itch you cannot scratch otherwise

gamerchick Sat 31-Dec-16 15:11:25

I'll be honest, there's no way I could stay with someone who didn't like to touch me intimately at 41 never mind in my 20s.

Sex with the right person is very satisfying and that spills out into general wellbeing IMO. If you've tried to talk to him and it just isn't for him then you're obviously not sexually compatible. I wouldn't stay with him.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 15:11:26

Well he's never going to improve, is he? This is the type of lover he is.

You are living with A Crap Shag.

Spam88 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:13:27

Given that he's not even willing to try and improve things for you, I think it's a pretty good reason for ending the relationship.

Lweji Sat 31-Dec-16 15:17:10

I might give him a chance, have a good talk and make it clear that I'd leave. Mostly because you have a child together.
The problem is that he'd be very likely to go back to his old self.
He sounds very selfish if he doesn't even use his hands and not even after he finishes.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was selfish in other areas too.

But, if you're not happy, it's probably best to leave now and not waste any more time in this relationship.

user1483196132 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:18:17

He has tried to make some improvements. For instance he has gone from not touching me at all, to touching me for a little bit. But I can tell he never really enjoys it. And he's not concerned whether I orgasm or not.

To be honest the lack of sex doesn't really bother me much anymore because when we do have it, it is rubbish for me.

I am just worried about our child growing up with separated parents, and also if another man would even want me given I would be a young mum sad

HecateAntaia Sat 31-Dec-16 15:19:21

Yes this is What the rest of your life will be like if you stay.

If he was inexperienced but wanted to learn, wanted to satify you, then that would be one thing.

But he has been very clear that he is not interested in thay. That he wants nothing more than (pardon my crudeness) a warm hole. And that he cares not one bit for your pleasure.

That's someone who is selfish and that will surface in other areas.

If he isnt interested in inimacy with you, he just basically wants to use one part of your body as an aid to masturbation then you will feel like a piece of meat and you will grow to hate him.

If you havent already you need to spell this out for him and tell him what his behaviour tells you about him and that this is actually a deal breaker.

If he loves you he will want to change even if this means therapy to get to the roof of his attitude towards the female body.

If he chooses not to - well, draw your own conclusions

SandyY2K Sat 31-Dec-16 15:20:26

Yes. You should leave him.

Unsatisfying sex is just horrible. It feels hurtful and humiliating and can make you loose your self worth. Trust me.

He's not going to improve and he's a selfish man.

Don't waste another year on him.

user1483196132 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:20:27

I have suggested that after he finishes he could turn his attention to me, and make sure I am satisfied. He said that once he is finished, it's a biological reflex for him to be tired and go to sleep angry

HecateAntaia Sat 31-Dec-16 15:20:51

So many typos.
Sorry.

birdybirdywoofwoof Sat 31-Dec-16 15:22:39

He sounds AWFUL.

HecateAntaia Sat 31-Dec-16 15:23:00

Crock of crap.
And even if it was true
what's stopping him from helping you go first?

No. This is a man who does not give a crap. God knows what his issue is with a female body but there's no reason you have to deal with it when he doesnt even care.

Christmassnake Sat 31-Dec-16 15:23:38

I wouldn't leave someone for that..but I've not got a high sex drive...I'd just get a good vibrator...if he's a good dad and good partner in other ways I'd still keep trying..but that's just me,and no doubt I'm in the minority

user1483196132 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:24:18

I have told him I will leave him, but this doesn't seem to make a big difference. I just think it's not at the top of his priority list.

toptoe Sat 31-Dec-16 15:24:47

Well, ime the selfish sex is symptomatic of a bigger problem - is he selfish in general? Is it part of a bigger pattern of behaviour that is uncaring of your needs?

Don't worry about other men wanting you when you are a young single parent - you aren't going to find it much of a problem, but you need to know exactly what you want from a man first - he needs to be able to look after himself financially and be able to live independently etc.

Lots of dc grown up with separated parents. You shouldn't stay with anyone for the dc - that's not showing them a healthy model for their own relationships later on.

birdybirdywoofwoof Sat 31-Dec-16 15:26:02

I'd leave him before you get involved with someone else (which is inevitable)
Make it a good, clean, split. Hopefully you'll be able to co- parent well.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 15:26:07

And you didn't laugh in his face?!

Your one year old will never remember how unhappy you are. She will grow up with an independent mum.

If you stay she will witness your unhappiness at a young age.

Lweji Sat 31-Dec-16 15:26:40

He either doesn't care or doesn't think you will.
I'd bet he will promise you nirvana when you leave.

HecateAntaia Sat 31-Dec-16 15:27:33

It doesnt make a difference because he either doesnt believe you will leave
or he doesnt care if you do.

Dont threaten anything you arent willing to carry out.

Bluntness100 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:27:38

>> He said that once he is finished, it's a biological reflex for him to be tired and go to sleep <<

Trust me, he can spare a few mins, it's not like blokes pass out immediately, He's selfish in bed and not interested in your pleasure. When sex is good between two people it's because both make an effort to satisfy the other. So both win. He simply doesn't want to make that effort.

This isn't just about libido, it's he lacks sexual interest in you, and it must feel awful to feel your partner doesn't even want to touch you intimately, that he actually dislikes it.

How is the rest of your relationship? Is it loving and affectionate?

Christmassnake Sat 31-Dec-16 15:28:24

A friends husband left her after a number of years,turns out he was gay all along ,but didn't feel he could be honest,then she got pregnant and he felt he had to stay with her...she said some similar things after she found out ,that you have put op ,now I come to think about it.....

user1483196132 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:29:02

He's told me he just doesn't enjoy touching women. He dislikes it so much he can't seem to get past his own feelings to make me happy so it appears.

Justmuddlingalong Sat 31-Dec-16 15:29:38

Leave, before he chips away any more of your self confidence.

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