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Does dealing with the OW being stepmother get easier?

(19 Posts)
MollyBloomYes Sat 31-Dec-16 14:26:21

STBXH walked out last year when I was 36 weeks pregnant. We already had a toddler. I'd had my suspicions about his relationship with a colleague and she then became his 'new' gf. I believe they didn't have full sex but there was an emotional affair going on for a while.

Anyway, year down the line, she's been introduced to the children, seems to be lovely with them, they've just stayed with his mum for a couple of days after Christmas.

Logically I know that it is far far better for my children to happy in her presence and with their dad but it really stings and I'm dwelling far more than I usually would. It's so stupid because I categorically do not want him back but I hate the thought of them doing the 'happy families' stuff with the woman who was callous enough to take up with my husband when I was pregnant (I'm not laying all the blame at her door btw, my ex is just as reprehensible in his actions).

My children are so little they aren't aware of the situation to be choosing sides. Again, this is how it should be. I don't want to make it hard for them because I don't want my children to have divided loyalties but I hate that they've gotten away with this awful behaviour and I have to suck it up!

I just want to see if it gets easier really, I know there's nothing I can do to change it.

OrcinusOrca Sat 31-Dec-16 14:49:33

I can't say if it gets easier, but my Dad did similar to my Mum. I know she felt like you did. It's 11 years down the line now and I haven't spoken to my dad in nearly 8 years, one brother doesn't speak to him and the other very rarely does. We all know Mum is wonderful and we would have been lost without her. Doesn't matter how lovely people are, you still get to make your own choices and my Mum managed to leave it completely up to us and very rarely bad mouthed etc (normally only in our defence and still rarely). She has far more involvement in our lives than Dad ever has and will, and that's because we've seen what a twit he is ourselves. Your children will understand and appreciate all of this when they're old enough to.


debbs77 Sat 31-Dec-16 14:52:51

I know exactly how you feel! And yes, it does get easier I promise!

LemonSqueezy0 Sat 31-Dec-16 17:35:36

It will get easier as you seem really normal and able to distinguish between why it is absolutely shit, and why you have to accept it and move on in this new status quo. Try not to dwell on whether she was the OW or not and focus on you and your children. Don't entertain the idea of whether or not they were together etc, just focus on the situation as it is.

addstudentdinners2 Sat 31-Dec-16 17:39:40

Totally get it flowers

Find it quite staggering any woman would want a man who was so low as to abandon his pregnant wife, what a scumbag!

redfairy Sat 31-Dec-16 17:50:31

It does get easier. It's the 'firsts' that are the most difficult. 1st birthday cake OW cooks, 1st theme park trip, 1st time OW looks after them when they're poorly...
Probably the worst for me was when OW became pregnant. Took me ages to get my head round that one.
Life is better for the children if you can be magnanimous but don't let that stop you having a few delicious private moments as imagine what you'd like to say or do.

plastique Sat 31-Dec-16 18:01:39

You mean there's actually a human being on this earth that would find a man attractive enough as a potential partner, who is leavinghis pregnant wife?? Oh golly gosh what a loser she is and what a selfish twat he is... Keep your sensible head on and dwell no're the winner in all thissmile

MollyBloomYes Sat 31-Dec-16 19:50:25

Thank you, much needed boost! Orca I'm pleased you've said that as it's very much the attitude I'm taking. It's not my call whether they have a relationship with their dad or not so I'm not going to put barriers in the way.
Yeah, her getting pregnant will really sting as I'd love another child. But just because she does doesn't mean I won't. Just a bit harder to meet someone!
Believe me I have had many a satisfying conversation/argument in my head! Utter twats the pair of them!

DailyFail1 Sun 01-Jan-17 18:29:03

Such twattish behaviour. Lets hope he doesn't leave her if she becomes pregnant, OP. Suggest you get back on the horse too so to speak - the best revenge you can take is to be happy.

WynterBlossom Sun 01-Jan-17 18:56:42

He's a wanker, she's a bitch....he doesn't deserve you or the deserve a man who gives a shit!

Just think "poor her" & "what an idiot" for getting pregnant by him.

SandyY2K Sun 01-Jan-17 19:02:08

You mean there's actually a human being on this earth that would find a man attractive enough as a potential partner, who is leavinghis pregnant wife??

The OWs don't really give a damn unfortunately. If they've been cheating with your husband for months or years, they won't have a conscience about you having a baby. They're very selfish like that.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 01-Jan-17 19:55:05

Yes I agree you should think about saddling up again, not all men are utter cunts.
Find what what makes you completely happy, this really is the ultimate revenge.

SandyY2K Sun 01-Jan-17 21:07:19

The best revenge is living well and being happy. Start dating and get yourself out there. You deserve better than him.

The two of them have the same moral standards, so they're better suited.

MollyBloomYes Thu 12-Jan-17 14:49:57

Just seen all the replies, thank you for this. I have signed up to OLD but so far nobody's biting hmm oh well, I've got time! Thanks for all the encouragement

IToldYouIWasFreaky Thu 12-Jan-17 15:11:27

For me, it is getting easier yes. ExP cheated on me with a friend of ours when our DS was 4.5. They're still together nearly 5 years on. She has two DC of a similar age. I haven't seen her since.
I don't like her (obviously!) I think she's got the morals of an alley cat and I will never forgive her for what she put through me and DS through. (Many of these feelings apply to ExP too of course but I am specifically talking about my feelings towards her as OW just now and she does bear some responsibility for what happened)
However, she's always been good to DS. She's clearly fond of him and I grudgingly concede that she's better at some things than I am (she helped him with some homework because she was better at that subject than I am). In some ways, I do feel that it's no bad thing for DS to have lots of adults in his life that care about him.

Something that helps is that me and DS are really close. He's my only child and I am his only mum and nothing will ever change that (I'm unlikely to have more DC) I've always done my best by him and he knows that in his own 9 year old way and will understand more as he gets older.

Keep your DCs best interests at heart (you definitely sound as though you are doing this!) and you'll get there. Good luck with the OLD too!

Vagabond Thu 12-Jan-17 15:33:15

The best that anyone can make of a sad situation such as this is to make sure the children are happy.

You might hate the OW but it's in your best interest for the OW to treat your children well and to love them, cherish them and do her best by them.

It might hurt for your children to love the OW, but you have to put that aside.

MollyBloomYes Sat 14-Jan-17 10:30:50

Thank you Itoldyou and sorry you went through it too. Bloody shitty isn't it?

Vagabond that's exactly what I'm trying to do. That's why I'm posting here rather than ranting to my children

Mollyboom Sat 14-Jan-17 10:39:09

MollyBloom here without the Yes! I am a stepmother. Can I just point out that I was not the Ow. Divorced for a year before I met DH. However, can I just say I do understand how you are feeling. As a stepmother I feel very much damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't want to pretend to be their mother but I also want them to be involved and feel part of our new family. There were a lot of teething difficulties but some years down the line now I like to think we have a good relationship. You have the right approach. As much as you despise the Ow if she is nice to your children then you are luckier than a lot. X

MollyBloomYes Wed 18-Jan-17 14:47:07

Thanks Molly fwiw if she had been 'just' a stepmother (e.g. They had met after we had split) it wouldn't be an issue. Being a stepmother can be just as tricky as being the ex!

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