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Should I feel guilty? How responsible am I for my XH?

(5 Posts)
Iris65 Sat 31-Dec-16 13:51:36

I got divorced 2 and a half years ago, having left my husband (J) for someone else 6 months earlier. We had been married for almost 20 years, but our marriage was sexless for 15 of those years despite all of my efforts. I ended up humiliated and with very low self esteem as a result of my XH's behaviour regarding sex. Outside the bedroom he was the perfect husband and did a lot for me as well sharing all of the domestic stuff. I have a some very serious health problems - including one life threatening condition and he really wrapped me in cotton wool. At times I felt as if I couldn't breathe and he could be quite controlling too. Everyone thought that we were the perfect couple. Cliche alert: then I met my current partner (R) and fell completely in love with him in a way that I had never experienced before. I still feel the same way three years later although our relationship has its challenges too. My XH believes that my current partner is (emotionally) abusive and controlling and is convinced that we will split up when I come to my senses. We have had some really difficult times as we both suffer from depression and R has high functioning Aspergers so can appear rude and dismissive. More on that may be another time if necessary!
My XH and I are still in touch (his choice really) and he still tells me he loves me, misses me and is very unhappy, lonely and heartbroken. He does not socialise, have any hobbies and we have a very small, difficult family. I feel very, very guilty and at one point backed off from him for several months because I felt emotionally (and financially) blackmailed. Financially because I was always the higher earner, my new partner earns a high income and my XH tells me he is struggling. This is mainly because he bought a new house with a relatively large mortgage after I gave him a large slice of my settlement in addition to his award after the divorce.
My question is where does my responsibility for him end? Should I keep answering emails and texts and seeing him when he asks? When will I stop feeling guilty?

Duckiesprettycrazy Sat 31-Dec-16 17:03:01

You are not responsible for him at all and are not obliged to stay in touch with him if you don't want to. Hope that helps.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 31-Dec-16 17:05:56

Your continued contact with XH is giving him hope that you'll come back. The kindest thing is to cut contact so he can properly get on with building his own future.

Ginkypig Sat 31-Dec-16 23:18:15

Your actually hurting him by staying in touch with him.

He can never move on and begin again if he thinks there is a chance even a remote chance that he could be around in your life.

As for your current relationship you should maybe take a step back and have an honest look at it.

Could your ex husband be right?

Is the relationship a healthy one or are you sticking with it to prove to yourself that it was worth ending your marriage (even though it should of ended regardless)?

Is this feeling of love blinding you to the reality of the relationship?

Only you know these answers but if this relationship isn't right either don't stay just because you feel you should.

Cherrysoup Sat 31-Dec-16 23:27:48

Go non contact. Surely your current dp finds this very hard? If your dc are grown up, there is no need for any contact. It sounds like your ex is making you feel guilty because he's made an error buying an overly expensive house. This is not your problem.

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