Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A womans advice on this plz: I'm over sex at 41.

(31 Posts)
Borninwrongdecade Sat 31-Dec-16 10:36:45

Hi.
I don't want to be trolled or insulted this is a real and legitimate question. I'm 41 and for about two years now I have been getting more and more bored with sex and the idea of sex. I last had it about nine months ago when DP was pregnant with new and final DS. (See how I'm getting the hang on abbreviations).
I'm a Decorator and quite simply cannot afford a 5th child. I work hard to provide and would rather put my energy into that.
DP couldn't understand why I wanted it done as she had the coil fitted but my body, my decision we decided.

Now DP isn't really into sex all that much. She never really has been, some women arn't We had it maybe twice a week when we were first together but it just petered out over time she can take it or leave it mostly leave it which suits me.
We've been together eight years and have 2 DC together. We're content enough, used to each other and function perfectly well together raising the children.
I also have two DC with ex-wife who I believe was a nymphomaniac. We were at it like rabbits for four years in every way imaginable our chemistry was electric. I think I got rid of a lifetimes sexual desire with her in four years. Trouble is her pattern, I discovered, is she only keeps her men for four years then moves onto the next one. After which she is just pure evil to the previous husband or partner.
I swore she was the last broken heart I would ever have though losing my kids or my Dad would be another one.

Everything is functional down there, blood flows.
It still gets up before me in the morning but I just can't be bothered anymore.

Sex is just a chore these days not a pleasure. I don't masturbate anymore because it just isn't worth the effort. The last time I got any pleasure out of sex was 2 years ago but I forget the circumstances, pretty sure we were just filling a biological need though.

I've tried to speak to my male friends about this and their ridiculous advice ranges from visiting a prostitute, watching loads of porn, taking Viagra though there's no need and trading DP in for a younger thinner model. Even our friends the gay couple said something along the same lines when I asked them which was surprising.

My desire to go sticking bits of myself into another person has gone. I've done it. I've got over it and I don't see the point in it any more.
I'd rather have a pint or read a book. DP doesn't want it or need it. I don't need it so why should there be a problem.
Am I looking for one where there isn't one?

It surely cannot be wrong to be fed up with sex at my time of life I've been having it since I was 20 and it just totally bores the pants onto me now.
. I'd rather we read a book together. What do you think. I think there are more important things to be worrying about like work and paying rentanbills.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 10:43:02

If your partner is happy, and you're happy.....then it sounds like an ideal match, surely?

Its only ever a problem if one person is miserable.

However I would double check with her. Just to future proof your relationship.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 10:44:20

DP couldn't understand why I wanted it done as she had the coil fitted but my body, my decision we decided.

I think you left out a sentence there btw. I'm gathering it was a vasectomy?

BenHer Sat 31-Dec-16 10:44:53

Sounds like you're both not that bothered. You've had a good innings. Time to raise your bat and walk back to the pavilion.

GnomeDePlume Sat 31-Dec-16 10:45:56

Have you talked with your DP about this? If you have talked and are both happy then I dont see any problem. Do you still hug, kiss, touch each other? I think physical closeness is important, it doesnt have to be sexual but that affectionate and loving touch is important in a relationship.

Truckingalong Sat 31-Dec-16 10:58:36

Thanks for mansplaining that some women just aren't into sex. I never realised that before and am now enlightened.

FetchezLaVache Sat 31-Dec-16 11:06:37

Are you certain DP doesn't want it or need it? Could she just have lost confidence, feels that she'll be knocked back if she initiates?

If you've talked about it and are both happy, then where's the problem?

I'm glad that you recognise how utterly ridiculous your friends' advice is. smile

Esoteric Sat 31-Dec-16 11:09:30

Ha, you sound great to me, at 55 I'm not that bothered but DH still very bothered

Borninwrongdecade Sat 31-Dec-16 11:29:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Sat 31-Dec-16 11:33:13

Is she's happy and you're happy then what's the problem? Why have you posted?

category12 Sat 31-Dec-16 11:34:46

As long as you are both happy with the situation.. I would have a serious talk with partner to ensure that is the case, because I wouldn't want to be blindsided if it turns out they're unhappy and up & leave.

ALaughAMinute Sat 31-Dec-16 11:37:48

What do you want advice on exactly? If you both have a low sex drive there's no problem is there? Or is there something you're not telling us?

Barefootcontessa84 Sat 31-Dec-16 11:57:50

I don't understand the question / point of the post. If you're concerned why your sex drive may have disappeared, perhaps speak to your GP, as it can be a sign of a number of both mental and physical issues.

Borninwrongdecade Sat 31-Dec-16 12:26:58

Ok I'll answer the questions in order of poster.
Elspeth Flashman: Yes I have had a vactomy. Ur right that sentence should have been there because I typed it.

GnomedePlume: Yes we've talked about it. I've even asked. She's not sure if she never wants to have it again but she's not bothered about it right now and quite happy not to.

Truckingalong: Mansplaining, good one. Some men are not into it as well. I have a brother who is completely asexual.

A laugh a minute: I just wanted advice and opinions from people who don't think with their pant parts (ie. women) on something that I believe to be totally acceptable at my age when men seem to think it's soe kind of aberration and that I should still be wanting to bonk everything with a pulse. Might just be the men I know but there you go. There is nothing I'm not telling you, I'm just past the burden of sexual urges and attractions.

Barefootcontesa:
The question/ point of the post was to ask for advice on this personal subject from women with a bit of experience of life. Naturally our female friends are mutual so I can't really ask them. As for my un-mutual male friends their advice/ comments were puerile to say the least not sensible. Ergo I ask others like the people on here.
I don't have any medical or psychological concerns that I would need to see a GP about. I'm in pretty good health, I'm active in every other way. I only carry the emotional baggage that it would be reasonable to expect a person of my years to carry so I don't see a problem.
The trouble is that others do and I can't understand why.
I think that was the point of me asking.

pringlecat Sat 31-Dec-16 12:41:00

Borninwrongdecade As has been said, as long as you're both happy with the lack of sex, it's not a problem. The only people in your relationship are you and your DP, so no else's opinion matters.

Most women link sex to intimacy and feeling loved, so if you're not sleeping with DP, you should be careful that you do other things to keep those feelings alive. It's very different to be in love and not having sex and to be two friends co-parenting and not having sex. Once you cross that line, it's hard to go back.

You mentioned the importance of paying the bills - yes, work is important, but do make sure you still make time to be with your wife. Even if that's just a cup of tea and a cuddle together at the end of the day with a natter about what you've both been up to.

Whathappensnowthen Sat 31-Dec-16 12:51:59

I think 41 is perhaps an unusually young age to lose all sexual desire, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong. You mention your young family, the need to pay bills etc. These things are responsibilities that could be weighing heavy on your mind, perhaps heavier than you think. There is a common misconception that men can just 'do it' on demand whereas women need to get more emotionally involved (I'm only talking broadly here) but actually I think men can be as much affected by stress etc and need a bit of romance too. Everyday life can get in the way - just getting through the day with children, work, chores etc can be exhausting, so I don't think a loss of desire is that unexpected in the circumstances. However, I think you may be jumping the gun a bit to assume that's you done for good. Circumstances change, children grow older and their needs change etc. You may well just not be attracted to your partner any more, but as she doesn't have much sexual desire either it means you don't feel the need to address that. Just my thoughts on the subject anyway.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 14:11:24

If your friends are the exact opposite of you, then it's pointless asking their opinion.

Know your audience, as they say. On here there would be a lot of women lost their desire a hell of a lot earlier - sometimes after childbirth, sometimes like you where other things take precedence and sex is just one more chore.

So nobody here will say you're too young.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 14:15:56

I will also add to the others in saying that make sure you do not throw affection out with sex.

Many marriages do just fine without sex as long as it's mutual.

Very few marriages do well with no affection.

So make sure you kiss her - and make them genuine kisses, not just the hasty cheek pecks you'd give your maiden aunt.

Make sure you hug her. Hold her hand out walking. Cuddle up watching TV. These are demonstrations of love and are crucial so you don't feel like flatmates.

Mrstumbletap Sat 31-Dec-16 14:27:54

Completely agree with Elspethflashman, do you still cuddle? Hold hands?

Affection and closeness are probably still important without sex.

herwegoagain123 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:09:41

My take on this is that your feelings are a hangover from your ex. Why would you now be bothered about her patterns otherwise? She broke your heart and you felt you lost your masculinity.
I feel you don't have the same feelings for your dp and maybe your relationship was a reaction to what had happened with ex.
You went from hyper-sexuality to repression. I feel sorry for your dp. You may have dragged her unwillingly into this. You are far too young to feel like this and I would suggest a therapist would help you understand your feelings.

Borninwrongdecade Wed 11-Jan-17 18:48:45

Thanks here we go again for your contribution. I feel duty bound for courtesy's sake to reply to the points you raised.
I am bothered by her behaviour patterns because they impact directly on my children. I got my masculinity back the day I escaped from her not lost it for example:
I got back in touch with my friends, I started playing rugby again, I started going deep sea fishing again, I started my own business again, I ceased to be nagged, criticised and picked at 24/7, I no longer had someone hitting me that I couldn't hit back or trowing things at me, spitting at me generally bringing me down etc.
Yes I had to have nine months of counselling to get to that point as she had reduced me to a wreck but hey-ho. My heartbreak relates to no longer being able to be a full time Dad to my sons because despite all this she got residency surprise surprise.
So the sex was good but so what the price for it was excessively high during the last two years when she was trying to drive me out and towards the end if was "if you don't give it to me I'll go and get it from someone else". Turns out she was, lots of someone elses so I got myself checked out at a clinic

Feelings will be different for different relationships as we are all induvidiuals and this relationship was not a rebound from my ex. It took us eight months to move in together, 2 planned children etc. I don't have any repression, my celibacy is my choice having spent over 20 years 30 if you count puberty with been there done that got the sexual T-shirt its tedious to say the least. So no I am not far too young to have made this decision and the fact that I find the idea of sex in old age what with all the wrinkles, grey hair and saggy bits sickening has nothing to do with it.
As for DP she is not unwillingly in this, she's very willing, quite content and is well provided for. She doesn't feel sorry for herself so no-one else needs to feel sorry for her.
With regards to therapy I have a very open and healthy attitude in all areas of my life including sex so it's totally unnecessary and at 41 years old having had four children lived through what I have I am not too young for anything. And believe me I aint repressed.

I wonder if you're always this judgemental....

Bluntness100 Wed 11-Jan-17 18:57:19

41 is very young to have lost all sexual desire and to find sex "tedious" and it's far from old age, with wrinkles saggy bits etc.

How old is uour partner do you still find her sexually attractive?

Aquamarine1029 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:01:11

If you're content and your partner is content, I see nothing to worry about.

Madinche1sea Wed 11-Jan-17 19:14:38

OP - As long as you're both happy, why worry? Thank goodness you and your partner are on the same page. Don't worry what your friends say. It sounds like you don't gift to the monkey anyway.
Also nothing is fixed in stone. Who knows how you'll feel at 45? Good luck!

CountFosco Wed 11-Jan-17 19:15:10

So you've got a brand new baby? No wonder your DP isn't interested in sex right now. But be aware that that might change. Keep affectionate and the door open for talking about sex and possibly having sex again or indeed for her to need a sexual relationship again. I wasn't fussed for about a long time after my youngest was born and then one day it was like a light switch went back on. Your DP's feelings might change. And then you'll need to have a discussion about what to do so no-one is unhappy or possibly have some kind of therapy together because I agree with PPs that 41 and in good health sounds very young to be bored with sex.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now