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Regretting being rude several years ago - what to do now?

(7 Posts)
singingsixpence82 Sat 31-Dec-16 05:10:11

A few years ago I was out drinking with a friend and we ran into some of his friends who I hadn't met before (although they were at my school, many years ago, just not in my year). They came and sat with us and I had a good chat with one or two of them, both of whom I found I liked. One of them (a guy) texted me the next day and for the following reasons I dithered about replying and through indecision never did get round to it.

I had just had a bunch of negative experiences with messaging while online dating. When I first joined I replied to more or less everyone who wrote me a proper message and I had absolutely no negative experiences for ages then I had three all in one week. Outside of online dating I also had a guy get angry with me because he started chatting with me on facebook (this was someone I'd previously known well enough to say hi to when we passed in the street) and I chatted back but then told him, when he asked me out after much chatting, that I wasn't interested in him in that way. He got very angry and sent a lot of abuse saying I shouldn't have started chatting to him if I wasn't interested confused.

So when this other guy (friend of friend) sent me a message I wasn't my usual self and I have felt quite rude about this whenever I think about it, although I obviously realise that in the grand scheme of things it seems quite trivial. Until recently any way when I ended up sitting at the same table as him in the pub again and he was noticeably uncomfortable when he saw me and I felt quite bad about it. I made sure to be friendly and comment on a few things he said but for the most part we were kind of in two separate conversations at the same table.

He has now appeared on the online dating site and viewed my dating profile several times (I have viewed his back and feel I should say something as this is getting a bit awkward!). To complicate matters I have also just got to know his mum through other circumstances entirely (the joys of small town living!). And the final complication is that I can't quite remember what the message actually said. I think it was just a friendly text rather than asking me out or something but the evidence is long gone and I can't be certain.

So yes, a very trivial issue compared to most on here but I hate bad feeling and have gone out of my way to avoid it my whole life and am pissed off about this blip and about me being rude sad

What should I do or say? I think I'd sound a bit nuts if I gave him the full explanation...

laurenandsophie Sat 31-Dec-16 05:20:13

Why don't you just contact him and say you've always regretted not replying all those years ago, you really liked chatting with him, you just didn't know how to go about getting to know him?

SomeonesRealName Sat 31-Dec-16 05:20:52

Do you want to date him now? It doesn't sound like it from your OP, in which case I think this is just a manifestation of the social pressure women are under to always be polite and kind all the time. I'd just leave things as they are and stop visiting his OLD profile.

SomeonesRealName Sat 31-Dec-16 05:24:08

If you do want to date him, then do what laurenandsophie said, but it's not coming across very strong in your OP that you do.

ravenmum Sat 31-Dec-16 06:23:10

Doesn't sound like you were particularly rude to me. In the dating world, not replying is often the kindest thing to do if you're not interested, so they don't get the wrong impression. His behaviour now sounds like he's still interested, in which case he can't have felt too insulted.

Your extreme desperation not to seem rude could get you into some very difficult situations, and it must be hard putting yourself under such pressure. Have you thought about some talking therapy, to learn to give yourself a break? Or is it only in this case that you are quite so disturbed by your "rudeness", as you would quite like him to try again?

dudsville Sat 31-Dec-16 06:28:46

Whoa, that's a lot of thinking about a small thing. If you are interested in him use one of the explanations above, if you aren't then you owe him nothing. He contacted you, you didn't respond, that's ok.

GloriaGaynor Sat 31-Dec-16 12:40:40

You will sound nuts yes. You're waaaaay overthinking a miniscule thing that happened years ago.

If you like his profile and want to date him then contact him. If not then don't.

This terror of being rude indicates a desperate need to be liked.

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