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Boyfriend doesn't want to be a dad to our daughter!

(248 Posts)
user1465649950 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:37:37

Hi, I'm new to posting.
Just looking for some advice as I really don't know what to do!
I'm 19 and have a daughter who's 3 months, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my boyfriend (he's 23) really didn't want a baby at this time or ever! I gave him the option to go when I told him, but he was adamant he didn't want to break up, but also didn't want to be a dad. So through out pregnancy he maintained that, was supportive to me, but not interested in the baby at all. I broke things off a few times and we'd get back together, each time he'd try to be a bit more bothered.
Everyone said he'd be better once the baby was here and I guess I hoped that would be true. He's not though, he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her and he says he wouldn't want anything to happen to her. When I ask if he loves her though he won't say, just says he loves me! He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me.
He wasn't intrested at all over Christmas for her, he bought me lovely gifts, but only came down to see her open hers because I insisted (I know she didn't really know at 3 months, but still!!)
We ended up arguing and I told him it's over! He's really upset and promising he'll try harder. All I get is how much he loves me though and not her! I feel so bad for her, she is so perfect and such a good easy baby, I can't understand why he doesn't feel like I do about her! He's begging for us to stay together and I do love him. He just says he doesn't want to be a father but will do whatever I ask of him so we can be together! I asked him to be true full and if we broke up would he see her at all and he said no!
I don't even know what I'm asking! I keep thinking maybe it's better we are together and at least she will know him and he's trying, maybe he'll get better as she gets older. I really don't know!!
Just to add, both my parents and his mum are supportive and his mum keeps trying to get him to be more involved too. My parents were young when they had me and I always kinda felt that their relationship was more important than me, and my dad was always, very foucused on his work/hobbies. I'm aware I'm with someone similar (that's a load of other issues though)
And I don't want that for my daughter!

Babylonmood Sat 31-Dec-16 00:41:49

That's really sad. Sorry you are in this situation and I really hope he sees the light.

You can carry on with him so that he is in her life - very worthy and generous to him. Just try to be aware of what it takes away from your daughter. If she only has one interested parent -you- don't let him distract you from

Good luck.

OvariesForgotHerPassword Sat 31-Dec-16 00:41:51

You deserve better, lovely. I had DD at 19 and it was tough with a very supportive and hands-on DP. It must be so tough for you and very trying emotionally too, he's being a dickhead. He needs to understand that you and his daughter come as a package deal, or he needs to hit the road.

You and your little girl deserve someone much better flowers

CocktailQueen Sat 31-Dec-16 00:41:54

Leave him, and get him to pay child maintenance. He won't change.

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:44:02

this must be very hard for you OP but I think you have to put your daughters well being first and this man sounds toxic and manipulative, he wants to have the best of both worlds and refuses to acknowledge the reality of the situation.
Your daughter is not a toy or a pet that he can try and blank out, I can only see that his presence in her life will be detrimental, he sounds either cruel or very immature, or some mixture of both

HecateAntaia Sat 31-Dec-16 00:46:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:50:25

if you let him into your life, if he gets his feet under the table he'll only become more manipulative
I think he's just a walking talking red flag, if he doesnt want to be a father he is no use to you

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:51:09

he will never take any responsibility and you will end up doing all the work

Astro55 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:51:19

he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her

He's not helping you out though is he - he's being a parent to his child

Change the language focus -

user1481490957 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:51:37

Staying with him could seriously damage your daughters mental state when she grows up a little and can see a father that doesnt love her. I cant even begin to imagine how he can be this way towards his own child but one thing for certain if he can do it to a child then he could do it to you aswell. He sounds like a complete waste of space and you both deserve much more op flowers

user1465649950 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:52:18

Thanks for the replies, I really don't think he's cruel or anything. He never wanted children and I knew that, we were very careful too! I always knew the time would come where I'd end it as at some point I'd want a family and he knew that. He is supportive financially and he'll do what ever I ask, he just doesn't want to do any of it!

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:57:09

do you get on with his Mum, is she interested in being a grandparent?

user1465649950 Sat 31-Dec-16 01:00:12

Yes his mums great, and she tries getting him more involved. His dad left when he was young and he helped with his younger brothers. She doesn't get why he's like it and hopes he'll get better as she gets older.

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 01:00:23

he'll do things to help me out, he'll hold her, bath her
see you've already internalized the belief that the baby is your responsibility, not his, anything he does for your child counts as a favour in his book, and that means that you owe him something in return.
He doesnt do things because he feels he ought to, he does it for you, and then you are supposed to do things for him in return.
That's his game here

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 01:01:43

His dad left when he was young....She doesn't get why he's like it
his own father was absent and he is doing the same thing, why doesnt she get it?

user1465649950 Sat 31-Dec-16 01:08:36

I think that's what she doesn't get his dad left and he hated him for it. She cant understand why he wouldn't want to do better by his child. His mums lovely and really did her best by her boys!
I know he only does things because he wants to be with me! He doesn't pretend otherwise. I just don't understand why he doesn't love her like I do!

BillSykesDog Sat 31-Dec-16 01:09:46

Just as another perspective, it's actually a very common feeling for new Dads, it's very, very common for fathers to have problems bonding with their babies. Especially because the mothers (obviously quite correctly) are consumed with tending to the baby's needs and they often feel pushed out. It can be perfectly normal for them not to bond for 6 months or longer. New babies don't give a lot back, and it can be hard for Dads to establish a connection. Have a quick Google for Dad's struggling to bond, there's a lot of info out there. It is possible that as she becomes more able to interact with him he may bond better.

LucyBabs Sat 31-Dec-16 01:10:18

I'm torn about this. I have two dc and if I was to become pregnant with another I wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy. I 100% don't want any more children. I don't understand why it's so terrible that the ops partner doesn't want children, told the OP he didn't want children and yet op decides she wants to continue with the pregnancy the man is in the wrong to not want the baby..
User it's clear your dp doesn't want to be a father, do your dc a favour and walk away. Make sure he pays child maintenance and love your dc as you have being doing

foxyloxy78 Sat 31-Dec-16 01:10:36

Your daughter deserves better. What kind of a man does not love his own flesh and blood. Leave him and move on with your life. Focus of your DD.

everythingis Sat 31-Dec-16 01:11:02

Oh love there's so much more out there for you. Dump him and don't look back and stop selling you and your daughter short x

BillSykesDog Sat 31-Dec-16 01:11:13

What kind of a man does not love his own flesh and blood

Actually an awful lot of them initially.

indigox Sat 31-Dec-16 01:12:31

Leave him, in the long run both you and your daughter will be better off without him.

CakesRUs Sat 31-Dec-16 01:12:56

He still has you though, even with his behaviour. You and your daughter come as one now, he can't pick and chose. I couldn't be intimate or loving towards someone, anyone, who was ambivalent about his child, MY child. Good luck though, you sound like you are a great mum.

PerspicaciaTick Sat 31-Dec-16 01:14:07

Your comment about his dad leaving when he was young struck a chord with me, perhaps he doesn't know how to be a father or isn't confident he can be the sort of father that he would want to be.
In fact it reminded me a programme I heard on Radio 4 which featured a couple in therapy, just before their first baby arrived. She wanted him involved. He didn't know how to be involved. You might find it interesting to listen to as it certainly gave me some different perspective on men who struggle to be involved. The link is below, it's only 15 minutes long.

Formerpigwrestler9 Sat 31-Dec-16 01:15:39

his dad showed him that what men do is duck out of their responsibilities and leave others to deal with the consequences

even if he hated him for it and vowed never to do the same the blueprint provided by his father has still been internalized

You say this about him
'He doesn't want to be a father, he won't make any decisions with me about her, wouldn't choose Christmas presents, shows little to no interest in how she is, he shows no interest in spending time with her, unless I ask him to do so for me'

but claim that he isnt cruel, he doesnt see her as a person, she's just an object, one he wishes didnt exist.

You're very young and this is very harsh, I'm sorry that I'm being so blunt really I am

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