Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think my marriage is over

(39 Posts)
perrita Fri 30-Dec-16 23:47:09

It breaks my heart to write that as we've been together 15 years. No kids.

It's just gotten to the point where nothing is fun any more, we seem to make each other miserable. I do love my husband, he's generally a good and kind man but I feel like even if I end up spending the rest of my life alone i would be happier.

He has to have everything his own way all the time. We're on holiday, have been walking around sightseeing all morning (all week in fact, non stop walking) and getting a bus back to our apartment, he wanted to get off a stop earlier and I didn't as my feet are killing, and we'll be doing more walking this afternoon as well so I thought I'd save them for that half a mile as we were on the bus anyway. He gets off a stop before and I wait for him at the main doors of the apartments and he calls me lazy and is in a vile mood, we were going to call to a shop for some milk but he goes charging off without me, he comes back and won't look at me, in a massive sulk, moans about me on and on about the amount of walking I haven't done all holiday which I feel is unfair as we've walked at least six miles everyday, swam loads etc

This is a typical example of his behaviour and it seems so trivial but I don't want to live my life like this any more.

He has a lot of amazing qualities, he's a hard worker and very loyal and generous but his bad qualities of being controlling, and always so negative are just wearing me down.

I can't believe I've gotten to the point where I'm even considering this, can I really be alone forever? Would I be okay with this? Would I be okay with just adopting or fostering kids, or could I have my own with a sperm donor but bring them up alone? I don't know.

I'm so scared of regretting my decision that I stay with him but I'm just so unhappy. He looks like the perfect husband from the outside, maybe it's just me being a terrible wife and I'll be unhappy forever either way?

namechange102 Fri 30-Dec-16 23:56:23

Sounds like he's had things his own way for so long he's incapable of dealing with conflict in a mature manner. How old are you OP? If you talk to him calmly does he make compromises you would both be happy with, or have you not tried? If he's not willing to meet halfway, you're probably better off leaving and looking for someone who treats you better.

Jayfee Sat 31-Dec-16 00:03:38

It sounds like you have let him have his own way far too long. I would consider marriage guidance. He sounds moody and controlling, but that might have developed n how you relate to each other. I think a counsellor would help you to see your relationship more objectively and it would perhaps be fairer to him. You might both need to change for it to work. good luck

TataEs Sat 31-Dec-16 00:06:40

he doesn't sound very kind.
and that's important. i think it's important in a relationship to want to do things just because it makes your partner smile or it makes their life a little easier etc. it doesn't sound like he's doing that any more.
if someone is your partner you would never say something just to hurt them. or put them down. you should lift each other up.
i often think that marriages easily break down over the seemingly small things that over time just become intolerable. and this is completely understandable.
i think in your position i would leave. i couldn't cope being made to feel bad about myself whilst i'm meant to be having a particularly nice time on holiday. especially as you don't have any children with him, you are only responsible for your own happiness.
you talk of being alone forever. but that is not written in stone, you might meet someone who wants to be a true partner and have children with you. you might not, but don't rule it out just yet. my cousin left her partner of 12 years, adopted my nephew solo at 40, has now met a lovely guy who adores her son and she is so happy and so is her child.
life can only be what you make it. and it sounds like you know how to make it a whole lot better. flowers good luck

perrita Sat 31-Dec-16 00:07:36

Thanks for your responses.

We're late 20s, we were really young when we got together.

I'd love to have some relationship counselling or similar and I've discussed it with him in the past but he refuses to go. I was thinking about going on my own, I thought maybe that might help, as You're right I am sure there are things that I need to change or there are things I do that trigger his behaviour.

perrita Sat 31-Dec-16 00:11:17

Thanks Tata. The thing is, I'm not sure that I would want anyone else. Between this relationship and the relationships of my friends I think it's put me off another one for life!

Nanny0gg Sat 31-Dec-16 00:14:17

You're right I am sure there are things that I need to change or there are things I do that trigger his behaviour.

His behaviour is just that - his. You don't 'trigger' it, he chooses it.

When he was horrible to you when you wanted to stay on the bus, you should have reminded him that it's your holiday too and that it's not all about him.

He sounds very selfish and as a grown man he can do something about it if he wants to.

Go to counselling for yourself. If it helps your marriage that's a bonus, but it should definitely help you.

perrita Sat 31-Dec-16 00:14:23

The thing is, he can be kind sometimes but I'm starting to think that it comes from a place of keeping me quiet or distracting me from something else rather than just genuinely wanting to be kind for the sake of it. But that just may be my skewed perception of it.

foxyloxy78 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:17:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perrita Sat 31-Dec-16 00:18:52

Thanks Nanny and I did actually say that to him but then he made out that if it was up to him he wouldn't have got the bus at all or he would have been doing loads more walking or would have hired a surfboard etc. I never stop him from doing those things, if he wanted to he can and I wasn't mad about him getting off the bus earlier than me. I would actually like a morning to myself to potter about, but I know he wouldn't as he doesn't like to be alone so I don't even mention it.

perrita Sat 31-Dec-16 00:20:10

Foxy you've said exactly what I feel. It scares me if we did have kids how miserable would I be then, would he use them as a weapon against me, it isn't fair to bring them into something so unhappy.

FastWindow Sat 31-Dec-16 00:23:55

The way your op reads I thought you were in your 50s, then you mentioned children /adoption / fostering / sperm donor.

I'm aghast that you think this is your life.

You've barely begun. I was married at 28, divorced amicably at 33, new life at 36, now 43, two dc under 6.

Life is not always now. It can be later. But never ever settle, until your life is what you want, with who you want.

foxyloxy78 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:24:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perrita Sat 31-Dec-16 00:28:08

Part of what frightens me about doing it though is it wouldn't be amicable. He would be very, very nasty and try his best to leave me with nothing.

Rednailsandnaeknickers Sat 31-Dec-16 00:32:00

You're only in your late 20s?! Sack him off!
I assumed reading your OP that he was much older, stuck in his ways, Victor Meldrew type. If he's like this now, he's not going to get any better, well not without some serious effort on his part and only you can know if he would make that effort, but saying a flat no to counselling doesn't give me much hope.
You could have another 50-60 years of misery with him. Or get out and make a much happier life for yourself. I left a partner in my late 20s when everyone thought we were "perfect couple" but didn't see what went on. It's a big step but soooo worth it.
Make sure your contraception is reliable and tamper proof. Good luck.

foxyloxy78 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:32:21

But you'd have your self respect.

The laws are here to protect. I would go see a family lawyer and see where you stand.

holeinmyheart Sat 31-Dec-16 00:37:04

Oh Perrita I know it will be hard, but you only have one life and this man makes you so miserable. You are stil young enough to start again. You need to plan to leave him. He hasn't the inclination even, to try and save this marriage. You say yourself that he won't go for counselling. I think you are in a massive miserable rut.
He sounds like a controlling selfish sulky bully. He will make a great Father , not. You would be even more trapped and dependant with children.
Is there anyone who loves you who would help you through this very hard decision.? Hugs, as you deserve a lot more from life.

RedastheRose Sat 31-Dec-16 01:00:15

Your last post says everything you need to know really. It sounds as though your OH is emotionally abusive from the little you have said takes no account of your feelings but you have to constantly think about what will upset him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? If not please go and see a solicitor, find out how you stand financially then make the break before you waste anymore of your life. Alternatively you have to give him an ultimatum, either he accompanies you to counselling or you leave and if he refuses then you now where you stand in his priorities.

BlueFolly Sat 31-Dec-16 01:15:11

He main we'll turn nasty, but that will only last for a while, whereas at the moment you're married to him for the rest of your life.

WispyWindy Sat 31-Dec-16 01:16:18

I just read 'no kids' then scanned down and saw you are still in your 20s. You have your life ahead of you Op! He sounds awful, and it seems you would be much happier without him. Leave him and don't look back.

pandarific Sat 31-Dec-16 02:19:55

If you think he will turn nasty then listen to your gut on that and act accordingly to minimise the impact on you. start getting your ducks in a row, others on here can advise but don't tip him off that anything is amiss - he can't leave you with nothing, you're married.

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 31-Dec-16 02:26:20

I think you need to say to him that you fancy a morning pottering about on your own and that you could perhaps meet him for lunch?

It's your holiday too. Why should you endlessly dance to his tune? Do you think you can bear the rest of the holiday with this sulky moody arse? Is it nearly the end? Can you pay for a separate room or leave early at all?
Yes he might be mean in a divorce situation and that's what you have a solicitor for. Far better to be shot of him now than try desperately to look for tiny positives as the years go by. Sod that.

ImprovisingNow Sat 31-Dec-16 04:38:42

28? Flipping heck woman, you are about to enter the best years of your life. Do you want to spend them with this miserable bully?

I think because you have been with him since you were very young, you view this as what relationships are like. They really shouldn't be.

Agree with the PP who said take legal advice on your position (I assume you have a mortgage together?) but ultimately just give yourself a chance to lead a happy life where you call the shots. I think this relationship has outgrown its time. FWIW he doesn't sound that happy either so probably best that you both get out of jail and move on.

SomeonesRealName Sat 31-Dec-16 05:14:47

I also thought late 40's early 50's from your OP. Late 20's and you're talking about being alone forever, having to foster/adopt/donor - don't be ridiculous you've got years and years to find a new relationship and start a family away from this unpleasant man you married. His behaviour as you have described it is abusive and although it will be hard, you can get out and start again. Please don't stay in an unhappy marriage and regret throwing your life away and missing the opportunity of a loving relationship with someone else.

Nanny0gg Sat 31-Dec-16 11:21:36

New year, new lawyer, new counsellor, new you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now