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anyone else destroyed by unloving parents/childhood?

(45 Posts)
happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 19:03:28

I know nothing I say about the past will make my 'now' better and I know I should let the past go, but its with me all the time. in my parenting of my own kids and attitude to life and mental health. my past wakes up with me every day.
my mum was/ is cold, unloving, my dad was part time when it suited and priorities were right. I actually did enjoy every second with him though.
wasn't close to either sisters, brother and I were always together but I moved out when I was 18 and we drifted apart.
my dads side of the family has never accepted me and my mum disowned most of her side. my nan (mums mum) told my mum she didn't like me. my mum actually called me to tell me! why would you do that? what you don't know don't hurt and all that. I don't even know what id done? we hardly ever saw her, why just me? not my sis or brother??
I had my first ds young, just 19. to be honest I had ds1 to show my mum how to raise kids and partly to piss her of that ive left home and do what I want.
karma came right back at me because it backfired and Im bringing them up exactly the same! I have no love in me, no emotions, I don't enjoy being a parent. it might be the mental health side not letting me. which I think is hereditary, mums relationship with her mum was the same with same upbringing.
I feel so alone, I cant see a happy future. feels like I cant offer nothing to the dc's. on dds birthday in the summer she opened her presents and 'said ''is any one else coming?'' I told her no its just us. I broke down in tears in my room. its the same with ds's birthday, Christmas.
when dd is invited to school parties there is a house full of family and friends. I have nothing to give, I cant even smile. wish I never had children because then it would only be me lonely and wouldn't have to see the kids so alone.
with my mind health I cant handle lots of people and I struggle with the kids, so when they ask friends to come over more often than not I say no! which I know is wrong. as im crying about them being alone!
my head is so tired, don't even expect anything from this post I just have no one to talk to.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 19:55:46

Have you had any help re: your mental health. You're obviously quite intelligent and introspective so really this is nothing that you can't manage.

You do need to let go of the past- it can't be changed. You can deal with the now though.

My GP's had all passed away when I was a child so we had no family at things either- but I felt loved and had a great time. Every family is different. Your family is your own and is not the same as anybody elses so there is no point in comparing to others.

If reaching out to a GP is too hard, I would really recommend splitting a bottle of wine with a friend and discussing it or showing them this thread. It is hard to bring up children on your own, but by shutting yourself off you are perpetuating this cycle of solitude.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 20:16:57

I was told I have bpd/ eupd 5/6yrs ago but I know there was something not right when I was a child. it just got harder to cope since having kids.
I had counselling and so called cbt but I mentioned through out the year that the particular therapist was unhelpful. im awaiting new therapy in jan.
I didn't /don't feel loved either by parents or other members of the family they always called me weird? ive always been distant looking I suppose. used to act the clown for attention. so a name well deserved.

I don't drink, I did call a friend earlier to see if she was busy. said she was cleaning. but later her son came over to mine (its my ds birthday) and he mentioned her friend is over. sad I don't blame her though I wouldn't want someone like me sulking in my ear!

I don't try to compare families but I know how much I missed not having family growing up and feel guilty my kids will too. I sit and think about giving them to family who can provide love and happiness.

Paleninteresting Fri 30-Dec-16 20:19:06

How old are you now?

If things were how you wanted them to be, what would that look like? How would someone looking at you home know that things were good for you?

Having poor parental role models can leave you with few personal resources, they can however be learnt and developed. They then become second nature with practice.

A clear picture of where you want to be is an excellent start.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 20:35:37

im 34 now. been on self destruct since having kids, there's me thinking i'll have my own kids, my OWN family. be surrounded by new extended family... only to find out the man I chose to leave home for is an alcoholic and drug user. his dad loved to threaten me, his family were more warped than mine!

I used to think my 'perfect' how id like it to be would be to meet some one with a large loving family who would accept me and dcs. some where to feel wanted and loved. but now realising it will never happen I feel the only way I can protect them is to let them go to someone else. some one not so down and miserable as me.

when I met now ex, dad of dd. I thought maybe it will work this time. but he hated my 2 ds, never bonded with them. made it hard to deal with. his family never liked me either, so clearly im doing something wrong. im just destined to be alone? brought on by my own actions and cycles.

albertcampionscat Fri 30-Dec-16 20:41:13

Well, from what you've said your kids have friends who like them and whom they like and are able to talk openly to you. They might not have a noisy busy family life or a demonstrative mother, but it very much sounds like they are loved and know they are. There's a lot of people out there with happy memories of quiet childhoods.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 20:58:29

they have friends a few friends at school, my friend and her son live across the road. ds asked if he could come over. normally ds goes out to meet friends.
ds2 is hard work and is exactly like me in the 'act a clown' way. he struggles to make friends and is always angry. this upsets me a lot.
I do love them, so much so I wish they had better.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 21:07:22

I sound stupid, a depressive that wont help herself. I just have nothing left in me.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 21:40:47

Op, it's not about sounding stupid or whatever. You're clearly very depressed.

You have to understand that it's ok to be a bit weird, look or be a bit different from anyone else. The only problem is really your own as you judge yourself so harshly that it could be quite difficult for other people to get to know the real you.

Firstly, I think (and you know) that when you have children that you can't be selfish. So i would really take the focus away from yourself and look at them. Explore their likes and dislikes. Get involved. Get interested. You never know- you might find a new hobby for yourself while you're at it.

I don't mean to sound harsh, you sound very downtrodden and I don't doubt for a minute that it's very hard to be in your shoes sometimes- but this sad person isn't really you. It's who you've been forced to become via 3rd parties. As such, your self esteem and your ideas of who you actually are will be all over the shop.

Give your kids what you wanted. A wee bit of the old 'fake it till you make it'. You've gotten this far. You can do this.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 22:05:24

they are true words, ive read that over and over. knowing your absolutely right whilst trying to push away my selfish thoughts of how I don't want to play connect 4 for an hour or go park on a freezing day, watch mindless kids tv, listen to ds 2 whine over every little thing, ds2 and dd bickering 24/7....
but your right, I just need the strength to to start healing myself, im tired all day and voices/noise go straight through me. I feel ive hit rock bottom and I can honestly tell you im a coward and want out of it all. but thats what it is, the cowards way out.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 22:23:35

oh god- noone wants to play connect 4 for an hour. You're not alone. Most people don't enjoy these things.
Can you combine kids activities and maybe something for you? Like geocaching for example- you get a good walk to knacker out your overactive brain and they get to do the treasure hunt. (This is a small idea but lots of small things make life more bearable.)

Also re: wanting out of it all. I'd be lying if i said I didn't have days where my mental health would be much more balanced if I didn't have a child. But i love my child so. so much. I still want my own life too.

I think that's maybe what you're missing a bit. Some of your own space/headspace/non judgemental companionship.

What do you want to do? What makes you tick? Was there anything you were into as a teenager that you didn't get a chance to do? Fulfil yourself. Your soul is hungry. It needs fed and it's been getting nothing for a long time.

MsStricty Fri 30-Dec-16 22:26:06

happy - you don't need to find strength or to get over it or to try and be different. The truth is that none of those works, no matter how hard we try - and I defy anyone to say otherwise.

The good news, however, is that being able to talk about your experiences in an environment of total non-judgemental acceptance, like a therapist's room, can change your life. If you can keep at it. If you can stay the course.

I know this because my mother and father could never accept me, nor could they love me fully. My childhood was, frankly, shit. I was a mess. I kept making the same mistakes over and over with no way of stopping or getting myself out of the deeply ingrained patterns that my past carved out for me. Therapy was my saving grace - and I've kept going back, every week.

What I've learned, however, is that change is not dependent on me 'trying harder' or 'thinking more positively' or 'making myself be with my children no matter how draining it is'. All of those things happen by themselves. All you need to do is show up at your therapist's office. And that's hard (and rewarding) enough.

gateauxauxfruits Fri 30-Dec-16 22:48:47

I don't want to sound patronizing, but the most striking thing about your posts is the extent to which your love of and concern for your children comes across. They are luckier than you think they are.

Good luck with everything.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 22:51:48

troll 12 & 15yr olds are hard to handle, eldest just wants wifi and chat to friends, im uncool to be around. 12yr old will go out if thinking he will get something out of it, even though his rude, ill mannered attitude will get him nothing. apple don't fall far from the tree and I understand my angry cross teary personality has rubbed off.
he is a bully to dd and whilst out constantly provoking and hitting her. so I do tend to stay in.

if I didn't have the kids I wouldn't be here today. but in some way I feel if I had never had them, the sadness I feel for not providing enough for them wouldn't exist??

it is a struggle, I deal with everything myself. I cant say I don't get a break as they go to school. but I don't have 24hrs to fully recover or relax.

what do I want to do? when I was a teenager my dream was dancing, but I quit college and left home to move in with ex arsehole!
now im into interior design, I do think about being a designer - read up on it. says you need a strong head and confidence! pah!! that is not me I would crumble sad

msstricty its a relief to hear that, cos its all I read on these pages so I just think ive got to get my self together, gather my self esteem etc.... I get as far as turning over on the sofa and tucking back into my pathetic ball!
when the kids are arguing, asking for things I cant do or give them, I loose more will to live, silly I know but its true. im on auto pilot every day.

I will attend the therapy every week (when I get it!!) been a battle for a year to get help. im crying out for support and will grab it with both hands when I get it. sadly the last therapist was more into talking abut my décor (home therapy) and eastenders then my issues!

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 22:58:08

gateaux thankyou for your kind words also

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 22:58:46

Frankly, i think your children are old enough to have things spelled out to them (to an extent.)

With MH issues, I believe we should be as open about them as possible. So that they're out in the open and that -god forbid- should your kids ever experience the same they don't feel alone and marginalised.

They must be aware of your struggle at the moment, teenagers are selfish but they need to step up. That's not much to ask. But it's a two way relationship - if they step up and take a bit of the load from you then (I'm not saying that you do this but as an example) you need to be mindful of what they want to do.
I don't think it's a big ask to say a couple of times a month - lets all go somewhere together. Make the most of it. If they can't even do that then it just shows total disrespect for you.

But yes, your post is really about how you feel alone. But you're not actually alone- and I think that might help for you to get out of the house and away from the everyday niggles of the home. Can you do a night class in interior decor? Does an ILA contribute towards that?

junebirthdaygirl Fri 30-Dec-16 23:01:22

You sound like a quirky interesting person who cares a lot for your children. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I don't think you are as bad a parent as you believe. Could you get involved in something that your children might meet people at? I was thinking of something like a church activity where youth leaders might take an interest in your boys or you could meet other mums to chat.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 23:21:17

there is no one to have the dcs to do night course, ds's dad I avoid like the plague. he is controlling. so I wouldn't want him around any more than I already have to deal with. long story.

with dds dad he works shifts so some evenings he couldn't have dd. plus its a recent split and he is hating me right now.

I don't know what ILA is?

once therapy is underway im hoping that it will help lift me up to look into day class while kids at school. only trouble is most things are usually far and im not a driver.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 23:31:39

june I don't really know what goes on at the nearest church, I would need to check.
I struggle to make friends as im not that chatty, I have anxiety but I do try and be polite and friendly when needed. I don't mind the kids meeting new people, as long as they are at arms length. dd wants friends in every day, ask every childs parent after school if she can come round or if they want to come to ours!
all I want to do is get in and chill, I don't want to entertain a hyperactive 6yr old and friend. it is very selfish I cant see good parent in that?

I have 2 good friends who understand that sometimes they wont see or hear of me for a few weeks. I worry any new friends made wont 'get me' in a way? I get exhausted when I visit my friends, even though im comfortable around them my anxiety still there and I worry how I look, if I sound weird and how i appear....
talking to strangers - can you imagine lol. im a mess!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 23:36:59

ILA is an independent learning account. Everybody in the uk gets a budget per year to spend on courses/education.

Although arguably (you know your kids better than I) they could survive for an hour or so without you :p

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 23:37:51

NOPE. I've got the age of your kids totally wrong. sorry!!!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 23:38:28

Although I do find it easier when DD has a friend round as it means that I don't have to entertain her so it gets them out of your hair.

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 23:42:04

ok ive never heard of that, i can keep that in mind. x

happyfrown Fri 30-Dec-16 23:48:56

not my dd haha! she trashes every room, she takes friends in ds rooms and my room when told not to. she has flooded (minor) her bedroom floor whilst having a friend over. had my cosmetics out, covered room in foundation, hair serum and Vaseline. on 3 separate occasions. i have to be standing watching or rather listening to high pitch squeeling girls.
dd is one of them who show off when someone is in, forgets manners and acts up. throws toys down stairs, runs around hypo....
has run out of chances.

OopsDearyMe Fri 30-Dec-16 23:48:56

I know how you feel, but have you considered that some of the things your mum told you might not be true? Maybe she said that about your nan because of her own issues with her. If she's the kind of person you say , I would try and remember it may not be as it seems.
I had a shitty upbringing. Your right it does affect everything you do. Don't feel bad about it, its going to. This is when your taught about life how can it not. But e thing to do is remember it was only one view of many. Pride yourself on the fact that you can question and adjust your parenting and life choices, the very fact that you know this affects you means you can do different. Break any circles of bad / inappropriate behaviours.
I don't think anyone escapes their childhoods god or bad, its turning each thing at a time on its head. If such and such was shit, learn from that and do something different or change it for others. Make something good out of that lesson.
And know how much stronger and sensitive to these things you are now.

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