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My MIL is a danger to my son.

(10 Posts)
IsabellaTrout Fri 30-Dec-16 17:54:41

My MIL is very manipulative and her behaviour/thoughts are questionable. I really do not know what to do, let me give you some back story...

I found out I was expecting our daughter at age 21 and my MIL immediately disapproved. She was very vocal, telling me I should have an abortion, that she had one and it was a great decision, that I was too young to look after a child, that she would have trouble accepting a grandchild brought into the world under these circumstances. Suffice to say we didn't get off to the best of starts.

She has some very questionable and out there beliefs, and my god will she tell you about it. She is anti-medicine, anti-doctors, anti-vaccination, pretty much anything 'normal' she is against. She consistently makes undermining remarks about my parenting and snide comments. For instance, after our sons vaccinations she started saying he looked a lot more 'docile' and 'withdrawn' than usual, intimating the vaccines had somehow affected him.

When my son was tantruming (he is 2 and a half) we decided to ignore him because he wanted to get his own way about not going to bed. She started going on about how she couldn't stand the crying, it was cruel and heartbreaking. She will also say things to my son such as 'oh your mean mummy said no', or 'I would let you have a biscuit but mummy said no, poor you'.

She has very strong opinions and is not afraid to push them onto others. At every opportunity she will have a debate with you or try to make out you are inferior or stupid for not sharing her beliefs. She spends all say on google finding information about how the moon landings are fake, how doctors are all conspiring, how the world is flat.

ANYWAY, here I come to my dilemma. Me and my partner have unfortunately decided we are going to split up. He wants to take our son to see his parents (they live in the North of England) and stay with them for a few nights. I am not happy about this because I do not trust that she will not say things in front of our son. My other concern is that if our son was seriously ill she would try to treat him with herbs and homemade remedies rather than taking him to the Doctors.

My now ex partner is very easily manipulated and led on by his mum, and I know he would submit to anything she said. If she didn't want our son to have the medicine, my ex partner would go along with it.

Would you let your child go to stay with them under these circumstances or wait until they are older?

Stormwhale Fri 30-Dec-16 17:57:17

Nope. My child would not be going.

HelsBels5000 Fri 30-Dec-16 17:58:56

You aren't going to be able to 'let' your exDp take your child to see his parents. He can do as he wishes when he has his time with your joint child. Unfortunately you are just going to have to hope your ex is a good Dad and will look out for and keep your child's best interests as his priority. You haven't mentioned what his parenting is like?

6demandingchildren Fri 30-Dec-16 17:59:29

He is too young to be that far away imo. I wouldn't let my child near someone like that either. Maybe offer ex to stay with you if you are amicable with that so he gets a decent time with his child.

IsabellaTrout Fri 30-Dec-16 18:03:31

He sees our son regularly, he is arranging permanent accommodation near by so that he can have our son over to stay some nights.

The issue is we live near Brighton, and his parents around 5 hours away in the car. So he wants to take our son up there to see them for a couple of nights.

His parenting is very similar to mine, except for when his mum gets involved. He is far too easily coerced and manipulated by her.

BitOfFun Fri 30-Dec-16 18:06:40

All you can do is ask him to solemnly promise you he will seek medical attention in the same circumstances you would, or those trips won't be happening again.

Alpies Fri 30-Dec-16 18:07:13

I wouldn't leave my baby in someone's care if I don't respect them or like them. You should trust your gut instinct.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Fri 30-Dec-16 19:03:17

I have every sympathy, I can really see why you'd worry.

The bottom line is that if he wanted to take this the legal route, from what I understand it would be a case of during his contact time what he does, where he goes and who he sees is entirely his decision as a legal parent, and you would have no say in that. I suspect professionals are also unlikely to state that ds shouldn't visit his grandmother based on your concerns of what she might give him. You can look for advice on this and check it out to be sure of where you stand.

If possible, maybe try and sort this with ex yourself and explain your very understandable fears, try and make an agreement of what is ok and what isn't, and make sure too that he knows you and potentially ds too may find it very hard to forgive him a bad decision he is pressured into. You can also explain that if he did allow anything dodgy to be given to ds or that he didn't seek medical treatment for ds promptly then he himself is at risk of child neglect charges, and that potentially could lead to a court restricting his contact with ds.

I know that's not what you want to hear. thanks

MavisTheTwinklyToreador Fri 30-Dec-16 19:10:21

Nope, i would pull every possible stunt to ensure my child was not in this woman's care.

6demandingchildren Fri 30-Dec-16 19:11:35

I'm in Eastbourne ex was from Warrington, he had the kids for a week he came down and collected them and I went to fetch them mainly to make sure I got them back. His family were great but I hated every minute.

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