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How to deal with irrational jealousy?

(9 Posts)
DaftJelly Fri 30-Dec-16 12:45:36

I've namechanged for this because it's deeply pathetic.

Dh and I have been together for a long time and he's never given me any reason to doubt him. He's wonderful.

He plays in a band and they are looking for a new singer. A couple of the possibilities are young (early twenties), female, skinny and pretty. Much like I was when we met.

I am now fat, ill, unable to work and not a great prospect.

I am OBSESSING over the possibility of DH running off with the singer (who doesn't actually even exist yet so to speak). I'm having nightmares about it most nights and it's in my head all the time. Dh is a catch, he's gorgeous, intelligent, talented and hard working. Bands can be very incestuous and and I know that in a previous band Dh was in the singer and the guitarist ended up in a relationship. His band up until now has been all blokes.

I'm not a particularly jealous person but I am an obsessive type, and I'm obviously not in a great place right now.

Does anyone have any tactics to sort my shit out about this? Dh knows how I feel and has obviously reassured me, he thinks it's crazy talk and tells me it's ridiculous as he loves me and only me.

I'm driving myself crazy. Please help.

HappyJanuary Fri 30-Dec-16 12:54:03

I don't have any advice about overcoming jealousy, but your post screams that the main issue is your own insecurities and low self esteem.

Your dh, who is a great catch and could presumably have had his pick of partners, chose you. I bet you are attractive, smart, funny and kind. If all that has happened since you met is that you gained weight and got ill, then could you tackle the weight issue? Work towards employment, or volunteering, or an interesting hobby?

I don't mean that you need to do any of that to hang on to your dh, but that improving your appearance if it bothers you, and having interests outside the home, might make you feel more like a great catch yourself.

mummarichardson Fri 30-Dec-16 12:56:22

It's easier said than done but you have said yourself that the problem is stemming from how you feel about yourself so as an outsider looking in then I would first of all focus on getting yourself feeling better about your own perception of yourself. I don't mean just focusing on the aesthetics of you but more about how you can do something that makes you feel good, that maybe as simple as starting to go for a brisk walk everyday listening to your favourite music. It could be having a luxurious bath and reading a book. It could be eating foods that make you feel energised rather than sluggish. Or spending money on yourself, nails, hair etc. Without knowing much about your pleasures then it's hard to say what those specifics are but rather than focusing on what this hypothetical person may have that you don't maybe focus on what you have and making yourself feel happier and more secure.

DaftJelly Fri 30-Dec-16 13:08:50

Thanks both of you. It is definitely more to do with my own insecurities than anything.

I have put dh through a hell of a lot in the last few years, I lost my job, got us in to a ton of debt and have been in and out of hospital (bipolar). He tells me all the time that we're a team and it's not a problem. I can't help ruminating on the likelihood of him getting close to a young, fun, attractive singer and deciding she's the better option.

Gah. I'm hoping it's just a stupid obsession and I can move on to something less awful, like redecorating or bingeing something new on telly. Stupid brain.

PsychedelicSheep Fri 30-Dec-16 13:53:17

My DP is in a band and plays a lot of gigs and festivals, so there's always lots of skinny 20 somethings hanging around them. I am pushing 40 and have two kids (not his) and carrying a couple of stone of extra weight these days blush so I do know how you feel!

At the end of the day though, if someone's going to cheat then they will, simple as that. Being jealous won't stop him, it'll just make you feel bad, whether he's faithful or not (which I'm sure he will be). Sometimes accepting when things are out of our control helps us stop obsessing about them.

I assume you've had some therapy, having bipolar? If not why the hell not?! If so just use the mindfulness, distraction, thought defusion, distress tolerance techniques to deal with jealousy like you deal with any other difficult thoughts and emotions. Just because you think something that does not make it true.

DaftJelly Fri 30-Dec-16 13:58:09

I've just soaked in the bath for an hour and did some mindful breathing and challenged all the thoughts I've been having. It has helped a bit. I think it just came to a head this morning because I had a particularly awful dream last night. blush

PsychedelicSheep Fri 30-Dec-16 14:15:16

Good for you, keep it up! The subconscious is a fucker sometimes but it's normal to have nightmares about things you're anxious about. The most encouraging thing is you're taking responsibility for your own feelings and not being controlling of your DH and pushing responsibility for your jealousy onto him, which is hard not to do but also very much not ok.

monicabling Fri 30-Dec-16 23:23:33

Hi op, I have a silly obsessive brain too. It can get hooked on any interesting idea/problem for days sometimes. You've got the right idea about mindfulness and meditation. Another thing which helps is thinking about it like energy, the more energy you spend thinking about something, the more momentum builds up and its now going 100mph in an unwanted direction. You can't just slam on the breaks without derailing. You have to slowly get momentum moving in another (more wanted) direction instead. So I tell my unwanted thoughts "later aligator" and then immediately, purposefully start thinking of something else. Doesn't take too long till you've got new energy going and you can't even remember why you were obsessing over that instead. Don't know if that will help or not but GL smile

DaftJelly Fri 30-Dec-16 23:26:19

Ugh, we've had a lovely day at the inlaws and now he's gone to bed and I'm watching telly going over and over scenarios in my mind. I actually hate myself for feeling like this.

I would never put this on him, other than telling him that I'm a dick and these are my thoughts.

I'm sat here right now thinking he hates me because I wanted to stay up and watch shit on tv instead of going to bed with him at 10pm.

I'm also thinking this new series is awesome (Travelers) and I'll probably stay up and watch them all. I told you I'd find a new obsession!

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