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New Year and my manipulative DH

(11 Posts)
BonnyAnnie Fri 30-Dec-16 10:01:23

Hello ,
I've been with my husband for 16 years and have been in therapy with him and without him for many years too.
On many accounts there have been changes - individually and within our couple.
But, it is very hard work -especially during family get togethers.
So I have found Christmas very difficult with him. But I have worked hard at blocking his negativity and not being drawn by his manipulation. Now the kids are gone ( they're young adults) and I am glad they had a lovely time. But I'm not ok about celebrating New Year with my husband.

In the middle of his miserableness I gave him my limit and told him that I would accept no more of it. Either he stopped completely and we had a good New Year together after the kids had gone, or he didn't and I wouldn't want to celebrate New Year with him.

He stopped a bit. Then started again. So now that means no NY celebrations together.

I do feel lonely but I want to enjoy myself as much as possible and not crack so that he gets the upper hand and can keep on perpetuating his vicious cycle without question.

In January we will be seeing the therapists. But, between now and then, I don't want to behave as a victim.

I need your support.Thanks.

NotTheFordType Fri 30-Dec-16 10:03:33

Why are you still in this marriage? What do you get out of it?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 30-Dec-16 10:06:49

So years of therapy have solved absolutely nothing.
But you think more in the new year will be the magic tonic that will set everything right???
Why are you bothering?
Really???
Get away for new year, be with family and friends and enjoy it.
Then come back and really think about the rest of your life being like this.
You get one shot at this.
You've wasted years already.
Don't be the person who never finds happiness.

BonnyAnnie Fri 30-Dec-16 10:10:21

On many levels we work well together. We are renovating a house together for example and we both help eachother. Also, things have improved between us as he's worked more in his therapy. We can laugh more together and started to get closer.
His behaviour always seems to deteriorate when the rest of the family comes.

BonnyAnnie Fri 30-Dec-16 10:13:29

Hellsbells.
Generally I am happy. Therapy has changed things. Just not everything.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 30-Dec-16 10:21:36

Well if things are improving that's really good.
Hopefully his therapy will help him understand why he behaves the way he does with others around him.

Well, now that you get to decide completely for yourself, what do you fancy doing for new year? What's the budget?

Fancy spa hotel? Cinema/theatre? Wild camping? Netflix binge?

BonnyAnnie Fri 30-Dec-16 11:01:09

Yes, Hellsbells, it is good that he's moved on some fronts. My DD, for example, thinks he's changed a lot. But I do feel frustrated that he is still clinging on to some shitty behaviour. And, when that affects my time with my kids I'm not ok. That is one of my limits.

So, my need now is to plan to celebrate New Year alone. I don't want to be alone and miserable. But I do not want to crack and turn to him to meet my needs. I need to respect my own limits. That is even before I can expect him to respect them. But it is hard because the nearer I get to NY , the more I imagine everyone else having fun. And not me.

This year I cannot go away on my own for New Year because I have a problem with my car and he is mending it at the moment. But, I could plan to go away at another time during the year. I like this idea.

Also, when my car is mended I could go and see my son and his girlfriend soon.

BonnyAnnie Fri 30-Dec-16 11:11:54

Atruth, Thanks.
I would actually like to have a long walk on the beach with one of my dogs. Then I could go to the cinema. And I could maybe even go to see my son and his girlfriend after.

You're right I could plan a spa -taking care of myself present for 2017. I find it harder to do nice things for myself than for others.
Odd ...

I will need a car for all of these things though ... grin

whattodowiththepoo Fri 30-Dec-16 11:40:17

Are you sure he wants to change change enough?

BonnyAnnie Fri 30-Dec-16 12:03:11

Whattodo.
Really I don't know how to answer that.
"I think so" is the best I can do.
I need to see the things he has changed- or we have changed .

He helps me more in projects which I have chosen. In the past he grumbled more.

He doesn't try to guilt trip me about his mother -going to see her when I don't want to.

He hardly ever storms around the house when he's angry now. He will sit more in another room or go outside.

He often sulks a lot less and will come back in a more ameanable frame of mind when he's been angry. A couple of years ago he often sulked for weeks. Now he'll usually come and try to make peace after a lot less time - anything from a few minutes to the next day.

He has stopped his substance addictions.

I turn less to him for reassurance.

I need to keep more focussed on my own projects at the moment. I suppose I'm tired after Christmas and I can't be bothered doing some of them. Organising parts of the house where I can do sewing, painting and so on is what I should be doing. But I'm sitting around instead. That's my part.

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