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Am I being too selfish here?

(5 Posts)
EddSimcox Fri 30-Dec-16 00:29:21

My DP and me have been on the verge of splitting almost constantly for nearly two years. We keep pulling back from the edge because of the 3 DC who will be devastated - they are v family oriented kids - and because we still love each other underneath all the trouble. But I think I am now pretty certain that this can't go on like this forever. I have a plan, which I think is agreed, that we will split our house (sort of one floor each, and one for the DC) and live apart but keeping the DC in their home etc, and being civil and doing birthdays and other things together.

Meanwhile my DM has Alzheimer's, my DDad can't cope by himself, and they've sold their house. They complete in 2 weeks but don't have anywhere to go yet. So they are coming to stay with us. Realistically it could be several weeks, maybe two months. It is going to be bloody difficult.

They will occupy the spare room, and all my energy and free time, for the next 2-3 months while I try and get them moved out, and the settled somewhere new. I simply don't have the emotional energy to deal with dementia and divorce (and 3 DC, and full time work) at the same time. If we split I will want to make sure the DC are no1 priority for my time and energy, and that simply won't happen if my parents aren't sorted first.

Is it terribly wrong to delay the separation for that reason? I suppose I'm telling myself we might still make it, so it's right to keep trying, but maybe I'm just hiding how I feel because I can't cope with two major life traumas at once...

springydaffs Fri 30-Dec-16 00:50:45

Have you had any counselling together? If not why not? I'd suggest this is long overdue - you don't have to get into a terrible mess before you go to counselling.

No it isn't selfish to put off the separation. Perhaps having your parents in the house will act like a straitjacket - or it could go the other way and up the pressure sad

All the more reason for a trained counsellor to support you both through this tremendously difficult time.

nicenewdusters Fri 30-Dec-16 01:02:10

I don't think you're being selfish at all, in fact quite the opposite. It sounds like you're doing all you can to ensure other people's lives run as smoothly as possible, whilst kind of putting yours on hold. I think splitting up just now would be too much to cope with. If you and your DP can still be civil and supportive to each other, then hopefully the next few months will be manageable.

EddSimcox Fri 30-Dec-16 15:30:36

Thanks. Yes, we've had tons of therapy. Last night I was thinking that it was unfair on DP to keep pretending, but today I think maybe just maybe we'll make it. So I don't feel so bad.

springydaffs Sat 31-Dec-16 20:21:42

I wish you all the best in the future Edd flowers

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