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I don't want to go on without him

(58 Posts)
whatdididotodeservethis Thu 29-Dec-16 20:28:40

I'm embarrassed to post this and I'm ashamed I feel this way. I know I sound pathetic so apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex a year ago and I still feel devastated, if not more so than the day it happened. He's cut off all contact and we had brief texts a few months ago. He's found someone else.

I asked for his number to wish him a merry Xmas, he ignored my text. The last time he txt he said he still loved me but that he's moved on but we can keep in touch....but he doesn't want to really as he's ignoring me.

I still love him so much, I still cry. It physically hurts. He was the love of my life and I'm devastated. Knowing he's going to marry someone else and start a family kills me inside. I just can't let him go.

I don't want to be in this world without him. People are sick of me talking about him, that I should just pull myself together but I know I'll never love anyone the way I loved him. He's the only man who has ever treated me well, he was my soul mate and I've lost him.

I just can't see the point of being here anymore. I've tried dating other people but they will never come close to him. I'm going to counselling but it doesn't help. I don't know what I else I can do. I just want the pain to stop, for him to come back to me. I'd do anything for it to stop. He doesn't want me though and it kills me inside.

How can I still love him so much after all this time when he just wants me to go away? I can't get my head around it all.

whatdididotodeservethis Thu 29-Dec-16 20:30:07

Sorry that should say I emailed for his number (as I deleted it to go NC)

QuiteLikely5 Thu 29-Dec-16 20:38:14

How about you start appreciating the good times you had but also acknowledge that it's time to look forward and not back?

You are only punishing yourself and as mean as it sounds you were not soul mates, you were not right together because someone else is out there wIting for you.

You say he treat you well - there are many men who will do the same but that will not happen until you let yourself out of jail.

whatdididotodeservethis Thu 29-Dec-16 20:44:28

Thanks for your reply Quite. I'm stuck in this pattern of thinking and don't know how to break free. It is torture, I think about it every minute of the day. Work is my only respite. I don't want anyone else, so I don't feel any comfort in the thought of finding anyone else.

I want him to love me again. I just don't want any kind of future without him but I know I have to carry on for my DC.

whatdididotodeservethis Thu 29-Dec-16 20:45:09

Thanks for your reply Quite. I'm stuck in this pattern of thinking and don't know how to break free. It is torture, I think about it every minute of the day. Work is my only respite. I don't want anyone else, so I don't feel any comfort in the thought of finding anyone else.

I want him to love me again. I just don't want any kind of future without him but I know I have to carry on for my DC.

TillyLilly9 Thu 29-Dec-16 21:52:42

I was in a similar position to you. My ex left me one day, we'd been together for two years and I thought we were going through a rough patch. No, he left without any explanation and I heard from mutual friends he had gotten into a relationship with a girl we were friends with.

I ached for him, I physically felt the pain inside and no matter what I did I had this empty feeling. You have to accept that he has moved on, as you will too. Take baby steps, read self care books, experience things you haven't done before. Date, date and date some more because someone else is probably waiting to treat you better than your ex.

Have you deleted pictures/texts? Removed things from your room/house that remind you of him? Stay NC and make milestones for yourself and when you've reached them treat yourself. This helped me. I healed and found myself in that time of pain.

FWIW I'm now so bloody happy in a relationship with a man who brings me a whole new level of happiness I never knew could exist!

Keep going OP, it WILL get easier flowers

honeyroar Thu 29-Dec-16 22:49:53

I was in your shoes once. It took time and completely cutting myself off from him to get over it. I had three counselling sessions, which helped me a lot.

whatdididotodeservethis Thu 29-Dec-16 23:55:25

Thanks Tilly and Roar,

How long did it take you to feel normal again? I can't believe I'm still in such a mess after a year. I'm still in denial and thinking of ways to get him back but he's over me. Knowing there is nothing I can do kills me even more.

I keep replaying his last message. Why did he have to say he loves me? My heart skipped a beat when I read that line, only for the ending to say he's moved on and then to be ignored when I replied.

My counsellor thinks I have attachment issues and this is maybe why I feel it so intensely. I honestly believe he is the only man I'll ever want. I've dated a lot and no one else even comes close to what I felt for him.

CatBallou2 Thu 29-Dec-16 23:56:08

Don't be ashamed of the way you're feeling. You are hurt and emotionally drained from this. Be gentle with yourself. Take comfort in the things that make you feel a little better, be they reading, watching your favourite TV, walking, being with friends, having a long soak, listening to the radio, having a cup of hot chocolate & marshmallows? Do you have any pets? If not, and you like animals, maybe you could volunteer at a rescue shelter or even adopt a little furry friend. My three cats've helped me through some very dark moments. Could you volunteer for an organisation that interests you? By keeping yourself busy, when you're up to it, you'll be able to focus on something other than your pain. These things won't change what's happened, but this is about you now & you deserve to be treated kindly.

Go & see your GP and explain that you're still struggling. They'll be able to care for you & help to find the best way forward.

Ask yourself why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Don't let your X have that hold on you.

PaperdollCartoon Fri 30-Dec-16 00:00:58

It took me a good 3 years to get over my ex. Longer than we were together. I remember the wrenching physical pain of it. I dated other people, even had a couple of relationships but it was never right. It was only improved when we got back in contact and I was able to work through the horrible way he'd treated me (EA, cheating) Then I met my DP with a clear head and it's all wonderful now.
I also have some attachment issues and past mental illness as well though, if your councillor is suggesting that Id keep seeing and working at it.
But there's no wrong or right length of time to get over someone, you'll get there when you get there. But you WILL get there, it'll happen little by little and then one day you'll realise you haven't thought about him for a couple of days and how did that happen.
Above all be kind to yourself xxx

springydaffs Fri 30-Dec-16 01:01:47

It's only been a year - that's not long you know.

People drone on about 'moving on' as though it's force of will and takes a couple of weeks/months. It so doesn't. Healing takes its time. It's like a bereavement.

So plant your feet and prepare for the long haul. It won't always be as intense. You've already come this far. Well done.

You must keep going for your kids - there is no way out of that. Even if you're half dead you keep going. Don't expect much from yourself, just get through the basics. Drop the 'moving on' mantra because it's unrealistic: it will happen in its own time. flowers

Hermonie2016 Fri 30-Dec-16 04:54:19

Lots of good advice but consider a visit to the GP if your mood feels very low, especially as you have DC.
Do a gratitude diary each night, it really can help as your brian starts to tune into the great things you have in your life.

whatdididotodeservethis Fri 30-Dec-16 14:14:12

I do think I need to see my GP. I have terrible anxiety so it plays on a reel over and over. He doesn't love me, he doesn't love me. I don't know if I can take another 2 years of this Paper and I'm sorry you've been through the same.

I want him even more because he doesn't want me Cat. It's like every rejection I've ever had in my life rolled up into this one person. He was my everything, my rock and now his support has gone it hurts so much.

I don't understand how I can still love him so much but to him I'm just an annoyance, like a fly he wants to swat away.

I picture his new girlfriend and how much better she must be than me, that he's now doing all the things he did for me for her. It's just so unfair. How can he love someone else when I can't even imagine being with another man.

MagicChicken Fri 30-Dec-16 14:18:52

How long were you together? Presumably the children are not his?

TillyLilly9 Fri 30-Dec-16 14:25:53

20 months to be precise! Maybe there is more to your story & why you're struggling to get over it. A year isn't long! Go to your GP just in case. flowers

Scrumptiousbears Fri 30-Dec-16 14:26:37

Have you considered counselling?

I've been through two massive break ups after long term relationships. It's taken months and month to get over them. Maybe the first was over and year but I then almost go used to how it rolls.

You definitely need to let go. Don't contact him. Don't wish him happy new year etc. All you are doing is hoping he will come back and when he doesn't it's hurts you all over again. Remove photos or gifts from eyesight etc. If you don't want to throw them then pack them in the loft away from dwelling on them.

Make plans, find a new hobby, anything to get you out. I bought a diary and aimed to fill every day with something to do even if it was coffee with someone. It made the days seem less empty.

Ultimately I moved one when I got a new life. That's the only way it worked for me.

Good luck. flowers

whatdididotodeservethis Fri 30-Dec-16 14:44:43

We were together 1.5 years Magic and no not his children. I have been through breakups before but they never hurt like this. I am going to counselling but it doesn't feel like it's helping. She told me to keep a gratitude diary.

I think I am still resisting letting go even though it hurts me. I feel silly writing about being grateful for a cup of coffee when the live of my life has gone.

I won't contact him again but still check my emails throughout the day just in case. I know deep down I will never hear from him again.

I'm spending New Years alone when only a year ago we were making plans to spend it together. Now he'll be kissing someone else after the clock strikes. I hate this time of year as it brings back strong memories of him.

TheNaze73 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:28:02

You really need to let go OP. It's just going to eat you up & derail your life.

He's with someone else now, mentally wish him well & take a step forward every day.

NotTheFordType Fri 30-Dec-16 16:29:56

Sorry you're struggling OP flowers. I think Xmas magnifies this sort of feeling as we see the cosy images of couples snuggled up on the settee, and it can feel like we're failing at life if we don't have that. I'm very happily single and even I still get this feeling!

What type of counselling are you having - is it just talking? I am wondering if CBT would help you more especially as you have anxiety. You seem to be getting into a pattern of overwhelming negative thoughts, from what you've described. Is the counselling you're having through your GP, or private? It's okay to say to the counsellor, "This approach isn't working for me, thanks for your efforts but I'm going to seek someone who can take a CBT (or whatever) approach."

roarityroar Fri 30-Dec-16 16:31:40

I've been there. It took about 3 years to actually be ok. I still have moments. Apparently he has recently married. It is still a little bit tough.

QueenLizIII Fri 30-Dec-16 16:34:54

I could have written that first post. It has been 4 years and still think of him. Still sad but now barely remember certain things.

The way I managed to let it go was fuck someone else see other guys.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 30-Dec-16 16:39:31

Are you comfortable in your own self? What's your self-esteem like? What do you do for fun?

Hissy Fri 30-Dec-16 18:26:47

it WILL pass. I was broken hearted almost 2 years ago.

It's taken a lot of tears, a lot of pain and a lot of wishing I had him back, but he has and it's better that way.

This summer I felt the shadow lifting, i met someone amazing and we've just spent our first Christmas together

He's just told me the 3 little words and I know he means every syllable.

It is hard, but you will get through this, and one day you'll be glad you did.

A huge Hissy hug for you. flowers

whatdididotodeservethis Fri 30-Dec-16 22:00:40

I pay privately and it's talking which is what I wanted initially. I don't have many friends and don't get to tell anyone how I'm really feeling but the dragging him up each week isn't helping either. I've tried CBT in the past but it was for depression and I found the homework difficult.

I don't really know what I enjoy, I just hate being alone with my thoughts. I'm hoping to go to the gym more next year but everything is so hard because I don't have any childcare (DC don't see their dad).

My self esteem is on the floor at the moment. He made me feel beautiful, he told me I was every day and I felt so loved and secure in our relationship. I know I shouldn't need a man to feel any of these things but it's deeply ingrained in my sense of self worth. I do love him because he had a beautiful soul, one which I will never find again.

I'm so happy for those of you who have found love again. I just can't imagine ever loving anyone the way I loved him. I'm a very closed of person so only give away my heart after a lot of persistence and kindness which is rare to find. I have had lots of dates/sex/short relationships but I still cry most days for my ex.

I need this to stop but I'm still in denial. My brain won't let me accept he's moved on b cause I can't. I just can't let go sad

notgivingin789 Fri 30-Dec-16 23:06:21

Op, in the kindest way, stop. Stop thinking about what he may be getting up to his girlfriend or not, let go of him- he is the past. What matters is the present, take control over your life seriously. All this reminiscing about him etc isn't helping your state of mind.

I know how you feel I've been there but you are not helping yourself. This is life, as horrible as it sounds, people break up and they move on. Stop waiting for your ex, block his number, erase everything that is reminding you of him.

The reasons why your dates are not what they seem is because you haven't gotten over your ex. Go out, join a class, meet new people, cry all day if you want to, then suck it up and face the world.

Take control! I know you can do it OP. smile

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