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I've made such a mess and don't know what to do :(

(15 Posts)
NeonPinkNails Thu 29-Dec-16 19:53:09

I've been married for 15 years but have recently started to feel unsatisfied and that H and I have little in common any more. Our sex life is rubbish and we just seem to irritate one another but I was trying to make it work for the sake of our DD14.

Then out of the blue my ex from 20 years ago messaged me on FB and it's all got a bit out of hand. We messaged daily for a couple of weeks - he told me he still loved me and always would - then eventually met up. Nothing happened but there was a spark there that I've never felt with my husband. Our messages started to get quite steamy as well although I stopped it before it went any further.

In some ways I don't find ex attractive any more and I can remember why we split up as he's quite self absorbed but the flattering comments and the sexy chat have completely messed with my head although I have now stopped all contact with him because I know that it's wrong.

Unfortunately H and I had a terrible row last night and are on the verge of splitting up. There's so much wrong with our relationship but a lot of good there too. Trouble is all I can think is that he has never made me feel the way ex has and I don't think he ever will despite being a much better person.

I know there's more to it than the 'spark' but I honestly don't know if you can sustain a relationship without it. H is spending the night in a hotel as we have reached a stalemate. I don't want to break up our family but speaking to ex, even though he's actually turned out to be a bit of an arse, has made me realise how much I need things from my relationship that just aren't there sad

I am so confused and just don't know what to do sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 29-Dec-16 19:59:03

Ok, first stop the contact with your ex. You won't be able to deal with your marriage whilst he's in the mix cluttering up your thoughts.

Then you need to have a discussion with your husband; is he on the same page as you that you're about to split up? If that's not just a knee-jerk thought of yours because of your ex then perhaps this is something that you and your husband should explore possibly? A bit of time apart? Not a formal separation, just a bit of space and distance between you.

You need to think about the 'lots of good' that you refer to about your marriage. If it's still good then is it worth saving? What does your husband think from his perspective?

Do you think you would be happier in your marriage or out of it? That is really the question that you need to ask yourself. The mechanics can be worked out after that.

For now, no more contact with your Ex. He's an ex for a reason and no part of your life now.

BifsWif Thu 29-Dec-16 20:00:01

I think it's time to sit down and have an honest chat with your husband.

If the spark really has gone and you want to end your marriage, then do so but don't do it because of your ex. You and he split up for a reason.

NeonPinkNails Thu 29-Dec-16 20:28:02

Ex is the catalyst though, I haven't been happy for a long time and H and I seem to have nothing in common any more sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 29-Dec-16 21:28:15

Ex has nothing to do with your marriage.

Have the conversation with your husband and end your marriage - with respect.

Then, you can go off and do what you like - with Ex or anybody else. I would want a bit of time to myself after coming out of a marriage but that's me. As long as it's decently ended then you're a free woman.

Fairylea Thu 29-Dec-16 21:33:52

Can I just say I hate Facebook for this sort of shit. Before Facebook if you had passed your ex of 20 years or so ago on the street you either wouldn't have recognised them or you would have seen them and pretended you hadn't and might have had the briefest thought about them. Now you can look them up and message them. Whole can of worms. And how my now ex husband left me for an ex he had before me.

Regardless of whether the ex is a catalyst or not no good can come of it. Block and delete. If your marriage is truly ending you are in no frame of mind to go flirting with other people, you will need to have a clear head and to be able to find yourself again before you even contemplate finding someone else.

Once your ex is completely out of the picture you may feel differently about your dh. The spark thing is something that usually happens at the beginning of the relationship, it is what captivates us and keeps us keen. Long term love is mundane and beautiful and deep all at the same time. Don't chase after the spark.

happyfrown Thu 29-Dec-16 21:44:55

maybe have a break you time will tell if you miss him or not. you might just need to find each other again?

from experience, don't ever stay with someone for the kids. it will screw your head up!

getting with your ex so soon would put pressure on you emotions, you would have the break up to deal with and your dd's feelings. plus trying to be in a 'new' happy relationship. its too much.

NeonPinkNails Thu 29-Dec-16 22:20:05

I just think we've become like friends at best and I don't want that. The sex side was never great (and I know it's not the be all and end all but it's important to me) but now it's terrible and I can't see how we can change that.

I don't want to hurt H or ruin everything but do I have to have a marriage where I don't feel fulfilled just because it's the right thing to do?

LesisMiserable Thu 29-Dec-16 22:24:29

So you could go back to your ex, have great sex, remember why it never worked out in the first place and be worse off than you are now. Done it. Twice. Two different ex's. Seriously the grass is no greener than it ever was.

NeonPinkNails Thu 29-Dec-16 22:40:11

I'm not going to do that, it's why I stopped contact with ex, but it has made me realise what I am missing. H has never made me feel the way ex did even though in every way he's a better person.

LesisMiserable Thu 29-Dec-16 22:48:12

So leave your husband and go on a quest. The man of your dreams - the temperament of your husband and the sex appeal of your ex. Many have done the same. The dating boards are full of them. Good luck and I mean that sincerely.

NeonPinkNails Fri 30-Dec-16 09:40:28

I've just been reading AleC4's thread about her break up with her husband

I am in the role of her husband aren't I? And countless others I would normally despise. Not quite as bad because I haven't done anything but the intent was there. I feel like the biggest bitch in the world but I never meant this to happen sad.

GloriaGaynor Fri 30-Dec-16 09:47:31

Not really - in your case your husband sounds as unsatisified as you are with the relationship.

Standingonmytippytoes Fri 30-Dec-16 09:47:42

You need to sit down with your husband have a frank discussion. Tell him every thing about the ex how you got to chatting and you were tempted butt nothing happened how you feel about your sex life how you feel about the spark being gone and ask him if he'd willing to work on it.

Standingonmytippytoes Fri 30-Dec-16 09:49:52

Sorry hit post too soon if he's willing to put the work in and try there's your answer as to if you should keep trying if not you can call it quits because if he's not willing to try after 15 years thenow you know it's never going to change.

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